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Author Topic: Suffering partner have spells of relationship doubts, and I cant take it anymore  (Read 249 times)

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Offline walkingonglass

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Hi Everyone.
Im writing here because I feel like I really need someone to talk to. Someone who understands....So I turn to you guys, who can give me the best advice.

My significant other suffers with anxiety. We have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. Because I know what he is dealing with, I try my best to be patient, stay calm, be positive, supportive at all times. Even the times when I do not have the strength. I am by no means perfect, but I really try my best to be an understanding partner. I really do.

The issue is, he was diagnosed with anxiety before I knew him and was on medication for a while and then stopped. He is constantly worried about anything and everything, jobs, finance, family, friends, our relationship...just everything. I feel like he has this constant fear inside of him that something is gonna go wrong. For example, he recently got a new job. One that he wanted for years, and when he finally got the job I thought he would be happy. Instead, he was anxious that the month gap he had until starting this new job, something was going to go horribly wrong. I understand that this is a part of the illness, and honestly anyone suffering with this is soo brave because I cannot imagine how it would be to always be scared and worried.
The thing is though, when I try telling him that maybe its worth going to a doctor again, he brushes it off. He doesn't fully recognize that it is his anxiety that is acting up.

The reason why I am writing this post is, every now and then..he gets doubts about our relationship. In my point of view, we have a great relationship. We are best friends, we are intimate, we laugh together, share the joys and troubles of life, we rely on eachother, we plan our future together, we are affectionate etc. I am so in love with this person, which is why it hurts me so much when he suddenly doesn't know if we are suitable for each other.
And that is when I break, and let my emotions take over. I get scared that he will leave because he has these doubts. I mean, the doubts always go away and we continue being happy.

Its just, when those doubts come up its tears me apart and I just feel so scared. I let my emotions get to me and I kind of have a bit of an outburts which he doesnt understand. So for example, he will ask me out of the blue "do you think we are suitable for eachother". When he says stuff like that, I ask him over and over "WHY do you ask this, do you feel like we dont?" etc. And his reply willl always be "I am JUST asking your view and that is IT, nothing more"

I just want to ask you guys, is this his anxiety speaking? Because there is literally no other reason for him to be unsure of me and him. And if it is his anxiety speaking, then how in the world can I control my emotions and fears? My tears are rolling down as I am writing, all I want to do is be a good partner but sometimes it honestly tears me apart.

I would be so deeply grateful if anyone else can share a similar story or any other opinions. I really dont have anyone to talk about, as my closest friends to not understand how it is to have an illness like this and be constantly worried.

Thank you so much guys. 
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Offline Cuchculan

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People with a certain type of anxiety can doubt almost anything at all. They will go through life picking at things. Did they do that right. Could they have done it better. Did they say the right thing. In other words they will act out something. Then play the whole event back over and over again in their heads. In my own opinion that kind of thing is a form of OCD. Never been happy that things are right. They question everything. Anything they do is brought into doubt. I would be trying to make him keep a journal in list form. Why he thinks things will go wrong for him. List out ten reasons why his mind sees it as going wrong. That way he can view his own thoughts. In looking back at such a thing he might see how irrational these thoughts really are. Ten reasons why you would ever want to leave him. Things he has seen that point to you not been happy with him. More just to let him see his way of thinking. Once they see this, they can see how silly their thinking really is. How it makes no sense at all. Truth is that he should be getting help for his condition. If he is not it would be a good idea for him to see somebody in the form of a good therapist. So he can sort out his way of viewing life. But a lot of people with anxiety do question such things as relationships. Some because they fear loss. The loss of people close to them. Which is something they know they could never handle. Hard to know what his thinking might be. With some they might wonder are they best off alone. Then they would not have to have that fear of loss. The anxiety mind logic. It is irrational. But it can be how they think.
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Offline Jbird

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I have bee in a LTR for two years now with a great guy, and we have been nothing but happy together.  He is kind, thoughtful, insanely polite and courteous, and loves me very much. Despite now fantastic he is, I doubt our relationship constantly.  I was so relaxed until recently, when I realized we were coming up on two years of being together.  I'm just now coming to understand that this Intimidating milestone is what is causing my anxiety... I doubt our compatibility, I doubt his feelings for me, I doubt his excellence as a person, etc... It's exhausting, honestly.  We don't talk about it much, partly because it makes me so anxious to talk about!  I worry a lot that we are going to get married and live happily for a while and then spiral into bad marriage hell.  Both of our parents got divorced, so I'm concerned we will follow in their footsteps.  I worry about how we will raise children together, and whether he will still be passionate when we are forty. 

I'm realizing, slowly, that a lot of this relationship anxiety is stemming not from our incompatibility, but because the reality that I want to be with this guy for a long, long time is coming to fruition, in a way.  All of the sudden, I'm realizing that we are a really serious couple and have the potential to marry and have a beautiful life together.... And also oh god he's the only guy I've ever dated this seriously, what if I'm missing out?  What if I have a soulmate and it's not him?  What if he has a soulmate and it's not me?  What if we are wasting each other's time right now, and we are missing out on some of the greatest dating years?  Etc... And then I freak out and get anxious about the thought of breaking up with him for these reasons!  Lol!  It's dumb and it is caused by nothing but intimidation at the reality of our very fantastic relationship.  For me, it's like cold feet before the wedding, but it's just.... Relationship cold feet. 

Like I said  it's really exhausting.  I'm going back into counseling so I can have somebody to vent my irrational fears to and sort through the garbage in my head.  Encourage him to talk it out with somebody, as often when these thoughts fester in your head you don't get the chance to "hear" your fears as an articulated thought, and hearing them really helps it all make sense.  Good luck, if he's anything like me, it's probably just nonsensical worries he's freaking out about internally and making worse unintentionally. 
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Offline walkingonglass

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JBird, Thank you so much for your reply. That is literally exactly how he feels at times, and it is exhausting for both of us. I think its worth it for him to get some counseling and going for some couples counseling. Did you and your SO ever try couples counseling?   
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Offline Jbird

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We have never done couples counseling, but I would like to.  I haven't brought it up to him yet, because I'm obviously nervous about how he will take it.  I have been in counseling on and off for two years, and I'm waiting on a confirmation from my regular center to be scheduled for weekly counseling.  I need it! 

My biggest fear about us is that he won't open up emotionally.... Ever.  He's already a really rational, emotionally distant guy, but I strongly believe he is that way because he doesn't think he "should" have opinions or emotions or overwhelming feelings.  I really wish he did, considering my life is a constant slew of emotions and long winded thoughts and I would love him to relate to me more, but I'm concerned that counseling would not help us overcome our blatant differences.  I think about it a lot, though. 
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