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Author Topic: confusing! harm ocd  (Read 208 times)

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Online ridgerunner

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confusing! harm ocd
« on: February 02, 2014, 08:36:24 PM »
Ok i had my kid this weekend and for two weeks now my harm o has been back with the thoughts i want to harm him.  this kills me to even write about it so bare with me.  Well the last time i had him was weekend before last and prior to this harm episode.  i promised him this weekend we would go on a trip overnight.  Well hes 11 and when i picked him up thats what he wanted to do.  I was scared to say the least, and i really thought about not going, but i knew that that would be avoiding so we went anyway.  Just me and him..  As you know nothing happened just like every other time ive had harm ocd.  I will admit the thoughts still came, and i was a wreck part of the time.  Last night we got ice cream, and went back to hotel, and ocd left.  I was so peaceful, and full of my old feelings of love, peace, and genuine contentment.  Well at bedtime they came back.  Well today the anxiety has been bad but not unbearable, but the idea I WANT TO HARM ______ has still been in my mind, and then around an hour before he left to go to his moms it left again, and the feelings of joy, happiness and the knowing that its ocd and not me came back.  I was so relieved and happy.  Well an hour later i can feel it slipping back in now.  It just doesnt make sense to me how it can leave and the anxiety stops and I know its just ocd, but it can come back and i question whether i want to harm someone or not again.  Does this make any sense to any of yall.  How can a perfectly sane dad who would die for his own child because he loves him so much, have the idea he wants to harm his child.  Its totally against my whole self.  i have never been violent, never wanted to be, never been arrested, never been in any kind of trouble, and have a huge heart.  I just dont understand it.  Does the fact that the ocd makes me think i want to and not what if make it any worse.  Two weeks ago i was my hard working family guy self, and now this again.  I have had this for 25 yrs, but this is the first flare up ive had in 4 yrs.  I know how much angish these thoughts cause, and so do my family..  ocd even tries to make me believe them at times.  its crazy
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Offline Leo99

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Re: confusing! harm ocd
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2014, 09:48:47 AM »
Hello, ridgerunner!
How can a perfectly sane dad who would die for his own child because he loves him so much, have the idea he wants to harm his child.  Its totally against my whole self.  i have never been violent, never wanted to be, never been arrested, never been in any kind of trouble, and have a huge heart.  I just dont understand it. 
That is probably why. Intrusive thoughts are usually manifestations of our deepest fears. They love to torture us. Now why do we get them I don't know, really. But there are more common as you would think. And can be horrible. And usually everyone that gets them think they're the only one in the world with that problem. Far from it.
I hope you get some feedback from other parents, who have gone through similar. I had intrusive thoughts in the line of fear of hurting the loved ones but I don't have any children. I believe that could be especially hard on a person.
Just remember you are not a bad person because of it! And you are not crazy. What do you do to cope? Have you considered meds or therapy? No need to suffer like that.

Hope you feel better soon!
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From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
(E. A. Poe)

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