First of all, I'm so sorry that I've been clogging up the feed, as the two posts previous to this are my own! I'm trying to figure out how to delete them, so bear with me :)
I just want to see if anyone else has the same field of phobia that I have, as I've really been struggling recently. I just started high school, so I assume that it may have been the life change that worsened my phobia, which normally occurs every winter, and it has since I was 10. I have constant thoughts of death, and they really mimic suicidal thoughts, but I've never had depression and I've never engaged in any suicidal behaviors such as cutting or any kind of self mutilation! I have no reasons to want to die, I'm surrounded by family and friends and I don't feel worthless/like a failure like most suicidal people do, so I don't get it! The thoughts will be something along:
-"You won't be able to fight this another day"
-Disturbing images of myself committing ***** and/or hurting other people
-Being reminded of my phobia of ***** whenever I'm near a car, crossing a road, near an oven, near train tracks, near knives, or on a high floor of a building
-When people say "See you next week" or something along the lines of seeing me in the future, a bunch of intrusive thoughts pop into my head like "What if I ***** before that" "What if I have a breakdown and get admitted to a hospital before that" and it's absolutely horrible as it's masked my normally progressive attitude, as I normally really look forward to things and I've never had these feelings where I feel like I could die any day now, so it's really hard to look into the future and be excited, because I'm met by tons of intrusive thoughts.
-Thoughts such as "You can't do this anymore" "You want to die" (Which are met by an internal "No I do not want to die! Stop this, these are not normal thoughts") "If you go to school one more day, you'll have a breakdown, come home, and self harm" "You can't do this" "You hate everyone around you" (Met with a very confused "But I love my friends and family")
-Fear that these thoughts will somehow make me lose control at school or have a breakdown, and that I won't be able to explain these thoughts without being sent away to a mental hospital, as they'd most likely be perceived as a threat, even though they're not!
-The constant desire to go to a hospital (even though I'm scared of them), as when I get so overwhelmed by these thoughts, I feel as if that would make everything better, even though that would probably make everything worse in reality!
**By the way, these thoughts are not voices, they are intrusive thoughts, I just thought I should make that clear as those may sound like schizophrenic thoughts**
I really can't stand this as I'm not a violent person and no history of *****/depression runs in my family on either side, only anxiety and OCD run strongly, both of which I have. I constantly feel depersonalized due to this, and I'm not able to socialize to my full potential and it's very hard to do well in school, which is odd considering I used to be an honor roll student. In a way, I feel like I've lost touch of my old self, who would NEVER commit ***** and never be depressed, I was always happy go lucky before October. Every day, I'm scared that I'm only one day away from my own death, or one day away from having a breakdown and being placed in a mental hospital, and it's absolutely the worst way to live. Since I'm in my early teens, I'm afraid that this is the emergence of a mental illness, as illnesses like schizophrenia and psychosis normally do not show until the teenage years, and neither do suicidal behaviors and depression. I literally avoid roads, knives, cars, high floors in buildings, and train tracks at all costs, and whenever I'm faced with one of those, I internally panic as I'm met with a disturbing amount of intrusive thoughts. I'm scared that these thoughts will become a reality, and I'm scared that my life is falling apart along with my aspirations, as the first few months of high school to now has been really hard for me. I've recently started CBT after doing years of talk therapy, and I also tried a very small dose of Zoloft around Christmas, but it made me really sick and it causes the reemergence of this ***** phobia, as one of the side effects for teenagers is increased risk of *****. Ever since I started that medicine (I'm off it now) I've had a very extreme assortment of intrusive thoughts and I've felt "crazy". I mentally check whether or not I'm actually suicidal constantly, but I've never created a plan to ***** or anything. I also constantly analyze my actions to see if they were something a schizophrenic/psychotic person would do. This has caused me to withdrawl socially and become very lazy and frightened to go to school, and I really hate it. I told my therapist about these thoughts, but he told me there's absolutely no risk of me committing *****/hurting someone, but I'm scared that he's wrong. My parents know and they've told me multiple times that if they thought I was a threat they'd bring me to the hospital, but how can I know that they're right
I've also developed a dislike for being alone and the night time, which is something really new for me.
Could anyone possibly offer some advice? I could really use it, as this is really preventing me from being happy (Speak of happy, I'm currently on a weekend vacation with my family, and they're all out to brunch as I speak, as I had to fake that I wasn't feeling well because I was too anxious) and I can't really fully enjoy anything as I used to. I'd do anything to have my emetephobia back (it's still present, but the ***** phobia dominates it), which is something I thought I'd never say!