Hi guys n girls,
I'm 27 I've had HA, Panic disorder and slight GAD since i was 8 after a traumatic event in my life (I saw my grandads dead body). After this happened I started scaring myself to death about my heart racing for no reason at the age of 9... the doctors answer was to get me a dog to take my mind off the worry which my parents did, it helped abit but didn't cure it and i didn't seek any other help as i didnt really understand what was happening... Instead i learnt to distract myself using computers (which has now turned into OCD level addiction) and keep it all to myself. every morning i would wake up at 5am knots in my stomach scared of death or being ill this went on throughout my entire school life. Naturally i failed quite badly in school. Also during this time my mother got a very very rare form of asthma called critical asthma which resulted in her having a 24/7 drip in her arm to keep her lungs open, special machines for her when she couldn't breath, cupboards full of pills and medications. All this made me even more fearful for my health.
Once i left school my parents split after my mum had an affair for 8 years... and i turned to drugs to help me deal with that (only cannabis but still bad enough). I was doing it every day and one time i did it i felt wierd like the world was closing in on me. This turned out to be my first panic attack even though i didn't realise that until 2006. this was in 2002 and i had no clue what it was and ignored it. 2003 came along and i moved house with my soon to be step dad and mother. I felt very scared when this happened and i stayed in my room for over 8 months only being awake at night and avoiding all contact with anyone even my parents.
In 2004 the panic attacks continued through my college years and work years which ended up with me doing badly at college and be in and out of work alot. in 2006 i was working in a garden center and they made me go on the tills even though i was totally against it (for reasons i didn't know i just knew i didnt want to in a BIG way!).
It was ok for awhile but suddenly i started having the world closing in feelings again i kept at it but it started getting really powerful ones which ultimately resulted in; first time walking away while serving running to the staff office and telling the boss i felt wierd, sat in the office chair and calmed down. At this stage i still had no idea what was going on. I tried to do it once again and this second time it came at me full force i felt it so suddenly i dropped the customers change and ran out the shop and ran home crying my eyes out. Luckily i lived about 20 steps away so it didn't take long to get home when i arrived my mum asked what was wrong and i said something is wrong. So so scared my mum got me to the doctors and i was finally diagnosed with anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
From here i left work as i did try to continue but the people there were getting very "funny" with me and my inability to work on tills. I also could not go anywhere near the tills without panicing. I felt useless so i quit the job. i was out of work till 2008 where i found a warehouse job which involved zero customers... I also started working in a computer shop for free to help me progress in the IT career I wanted. This too though involved no customers i worked fixing the computers only.
in 2010/11/12 I progressed into well paid IT support roles first role i struggled as it was telephone support and i couldn't concentrate as i would get worried the boss would be looking or listening and i've always hated being on the phone in front of people anyway. This turned out to be a problem when i tried hard next time in the second role. Both roles I failed the trials not due to my knowledge thankfully but due to my problems with talking to customers in a "professional" manner (i have trouble socializing as it is let alone trying to be "professional"). I was also rather forgetful as i always had other things on my mind and could never concentrate on what i was doing... always a problem.
I've now been unemployed since the start of 2013 (sadly, a full year now!
) and during this time I split with a long term girl friend of 6 years. This caused me to really go down hill fast i started drinking, I was self harming (cutting my arms), I even did stronger drugs on one occation (all i know was that it was a white powder and i sniffed it)
During this dark time the doctors were made aware of my actions and they prescribed me valium I abused this as a way to escape when i felt bad. But in the long term it didn't really help. during this time i also had a pretty scary health symptom (which turned out to be nothing bad) which made me absolutely loose it. doctors again were made aware and they gave me citalopram. I was given it in the wrong starting dose of 40mg so i was hit HARD with side effects. the worsed being that i didn't eat anything apart from 1 piece of bread and a orange for 2 weeks (yes, seriously). the good news though is once the cit leveled out and it was doing its job i found that my panic attacks were fixed!! it was great and i could go out and do things although this ended up being bad as i started going out drinking every weekend in town and doing drugs and being a complete waste of life pretty much. drink + citalopram = bad!
Late 2013 I got over the split, stopped drinking and going to town, managed to keep my head down and make plans to find another job or start up myself... during this time i met a girl who i am still with to this day, she is my life and such a rock in everything i do. She too suffers from anxiety problems so we really understand each other.
2014 i dropped my citalopram to 20mg due to ummm... personal problems, sadly a month after dropping it my panic attacks were some times happening and also i had a side effect where i couldn't taste food or perhaps it was abit distorted. This has sent me down the health anxiety road again which is where i am now and the reason for this rather long post...
I've spent the last week being scared every day scared of eating. I've stopped watching eastenders as there is a story on there about the "C" word and i can't deal with it. My GF's gramp has "C" so the whole health scare stuff is very much in my face at the moment. I was really bad yesterday but my GF managed to get me up and we went to town, I had constant panic attacks there. we got back to hers on the bus and she said do you want to come in (shes living with her grandparents at the moment) i said yes but outside the house i stopped in my tracks knowing that her gramp with "C" was inside the house... but still i did it and sat with him and spoke with him and all that with no problems.
Then this morning i woke up and as soon as i woke i had really really dreadful thoughts of dying and things like that.. like realy detailed, horrible stuff. Ultimately... I NEED HELP! but i don't know what to do? NHS waiting lists are far too long, i have a habit of getting better over time then not bothering with the therapy. as if your feeling better why would you want to bring it all up again and risk going down hill again!? I have group therapy this month but with whats going on unless it improves i don't think i could manage to do that.
So guys, girls, I need your help...
What are my options here? I am from the UK, what do i have to do to solve my problems? I've never asked this question before because im scared of there not being an option to get well or it not working but I want to be WELL and i want to LIVE my life so i need to do this!!!
My preferred way of doing it would be therapy over ***** or on a website, somewhere where i can get help when i need it! I don't care if i have to pay for it my amazing girl friend is offering to pay for me to do it which is amazing and i love her for it.
What do i need and what do i have to do to make a start, i NEED this, I deserve to live my life...
Please help me achieve this goal.