What started out as GAD has morphed itself into Pure O about *****. It is making my hands sweat just typing that word! I am so totally freaked out by this and it's starting to affect me more than I'd like. I just want to stop thinking about it! I want to be very clear that I don't want to do it, don't have any kind of plan or anything, and I fear it more than anything in the world. I recently read an article about this pretty, seemingly popular college girl who killed herself and it provoked my anxiety to a pretty high level. The thoughts I have are definitely OCD and I don't know how to stop them. When I have a thought about IT, I mentally go through the motions of "Oh great I thought about it again. Why am I still struggling with this? Why can't I just stop worrying about it and go on with my regular thoughts? What if I secretly want to or something? But I love like and have an AMAZING life, I don't want to die!!!" I've never even thought about IT before in any context, so I know this isn't really "me" but it's so hard to convince myself of that when I'm having the thoughts, you know?
Needless to say, it sucks. It has caused me to start monitoring my feelings because I'm terrified of somehow getting depressed and wanting to do it (I'm not depressed at all). Most of the time when I'm busy or with friends or family, I am fine and am having such a good time that I don't think these thoughts. But I can't be busy or with people all the time. Plus, I'm getting married in about a year and will have to spend evenings and nights alone while my fiance works nights 5 nights a week, so I'm freaking out about all that alone time.
Does anyone have any recommendations as to what I should do? Are there any really good online programs that are productive in stopping Pure O? I have heard about ERP therapy but that isn't exactly possible with my particular problem. So I don't know what to do and I'm desperate for an answer. Could counseling help, if so, should I make sure the therapist treats Pure O? I'd love to hear from someone who beat this ugly disorder!