Chat Now!   Member Gallery    Member Articles    Games   Member Groups   Member Blogs   Health News    Bored?

Author Topic: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating  (Read 773 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline jack1987

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 17
  • Rec's: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • Maybe we can help each other in difficult times?
    • Poke This Member
Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« on: January 26, 2014, 01:06:59 PM »
Recently I have been struggling to get anywhere with online dating websites. The main issue for me seems to be that I regularly spend time on them and send messages quite often, but very rarely get any replies. Even though I've just been using unpaid ones recently, I've also had this with paid websites in the past. Part of the issue is it seems far too important to me - I really want a girlfriend, and since I suffer from SAD and GAD I often feel online is my main (if not only) chance of finding a relationship, as I'm not very sociable and spend a lot of time on my own. I have had one brief relationship from it in the past, and I am very grateful for that, but I have been on these sites for years and wonder why I haven't had more success. When I dedicate a couple of hours to sending messages on a weekend, and send 10-12 messages or so, I always feel quite depressed and think "Why am I bothering?" when I've received no responses two weeks later. I've received the odd response here and there, but the girl usually just stops replying suddenly, with no explanation given. Over the years I feel I've got a feel for how to write a decent message: I include nice compliments, ask interesting questions, say I hope they have a nice day, etc. Maybe my photos put people off; I think I'm quite average-looking, but not ugly. I don't personally feel like the girls I'm messaging are "out of my league" (I do hate that phrase) either. I respect that certain girls who might be more appealing get lots of messages and don't have time to read them all, and can pick and choose the very best ones, but a guy like me can get quite upset and depressed when something that means so much to him is made insanely difficult, and he doesn't know why. I would always appreciate feedback, even if it is negative, so I can learn from any mistakes I may be making! Sorry for the rant, it's just getting me down a bit. Any comments/advice anyone on here may have about this would be much appreciated. Maybe in posting this I can let others who are having similar problems know that they're not alone! Thanks for reading this. :)
Bookmark and Share
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before...

Offline scb07d

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 47
  • Rec's: 3
  • Gender: Male
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2014, 05:22:24 PM »
Most people on these sites are just kind of there because it's fun and for attention. I think it's only a small proportion who are legitimately trying to find someone. If you're talking about OkCupid, attractive girls get WAY more messages than "average" looking girls. Girls like this probably aren't trying to legitimately find someone or else they'd be off the site quickly I think, because they can just choose from any guy they want.  I guess it's possible they could just be extremely picky though.

So what happens is you get left with the... less attractive girls. If you're unwilling to talk to these girls, you're going to have a hard time finding someone because the average guy initially filters through them automatically.

If you're messaging these girls and not having any luck, it could be your photos (what else would it be  ::)).
Bookmark and Share

Offline jack1987

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 17
  • Rec's: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • Maybe we can help each other in difficult times?
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2014, 04:11:46 PM »
Hey, thank you for your reply. You're probably right, I never looked at it that way. It's good to get someone else's view on this, as I only really had my own before.

I'm happy to talk to all kinds of girls, I just don't like to think that some are 'off limits' because they're too attractive for me. I guess that's one of my hang ups that angers and upsets me. I'll take a look at my photos; I don't look like Brad Pitt, but they're a pretty accurate depiction of what I actually look like, and I don't see how I can make myself look more attractive. I could take some shots of me without my glasses on, but then couldn't that lead to disappointment if we meet up and she realizes I wear glasses?!

Part of the problem may be I'm being too picky myself, perhaps I should be more open-minded. I'm finding it hard to send messages to start with when I have the depressive thought "What's the use? I never get replies anyway". I'm trying to focus on other things in life at the moment, as my obsessing about this hasn't been helping.
Bookmark and Share
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before...

Offline Sylvanas

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 17
  • Country: 00
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2014, 08:10:12 PM »
There really is so many things that could be the reason for this, yet it may simply be bad luck. Only advices I can give you as a woman who used to use these kind of websites is to try and make your profile seems interesting as much as possible, stand out with something, be witty and use humor, don't be too serious and don't give out too many compliments (it makes you look cheesy and desperate).
Other than that, I would suggest you find ways to enjoy being by yourself, tho I am really lonely too I know it's something that needs to be accomplished.
Bookmark and Share
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fears path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing......Only I will remain

Offline clippergoodwill

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 193
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 12
  • Gender: Male
  • Mood: Relaxed
    Relaxed
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2014, 04:34:00 AM »
I've done online dating, not really my thing but I did meet a few people that way. Be careful, write a good profile that covers the important bits but isn't too long, and don't expect a lot of replies from messages. Every girl I've ever known to have an online profile gets a LOT of messages, one would get over 50 a day. Almost all of them were "Hi" "Hey" "Whats up", or an invite straight to the bedroom. The male to female ratio is far from being in a guy's favor.

Don't be discouraged though, if that's how you prefer to find someone, keep playing with your profile wording and change up the pictures every few weeks. I keep a profile on a site just to meet new people, but I don't expect a lot out of it.
Bookmark and Share

Offline So worried

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 61
  • Country: gb
  • Rec's: 0
  • Gender: Female
  • Mood: Thoughtful
    Thoughtful
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2014, 09:47:05 AM »
Hi I agree with Sylvanas don't give to many compliments. Sometimes it can give the girls a big head and think their better then you! Why not try joining up to another social web site that's not about dating! rather about just chatting or hobbies, that way there's no pressure and dating isnt the main topic, and you can let the girls get to know you that way and hopefully fall for you :) Goodluck!!!!
Bookmark and Share
No more google for me!!!!

Offline AltoidsAndTabloids

  • Altoids and Tabloids
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 19
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2014, 01:58:18 PM »
I agree with So Worried.

Having tried the online dating thing, I'm personally a believer in relationships occurring naturally, rather than through a website that is specifically for dating. I don't mean you HAVE to meet someone in person, but just that if the entire concept of a relationship is treated as secondary, I feel like things work out much smoother.

My number one piece of advice would be to focus on meeting people in real-life activities that are not focused on dating. Join some clubs and groups related to activities you enjoy (do you like to go for runs? Mountain biking? Do you play music? etc...), just make friends, and don't be too obsessed with finding a date. That being said, I know how SAD and GAD can be, and I understand if this is not the best option for you.

Alternatively, like So Worried said, find a social website that is focused on a certain hobby or just chatting in general. Start to get to know people through those sites by connecting over things you have in common. Try to treat the person as if they probably won't want to date you, like a friend. If things go well and you sense that a strong friendship is forming, you can both share contact info outside of the website (such as your phone numbers, *****, e-mail...etc). At this point, if there is any sort of chemistry between you two, things should happen pretty naturally.

Of course, that's just my opinion. Everyone handles dating differently.

I think the key thing is to not get too frustrated if things don't pan out. Trust me, I've been there and I know at least somewhat how you feel. Frustration creates a terrible snowball effect. The more frustrated you are, the more desperate you become. Desperation is the bane of anyone trying to get a date. I'm not calling you desperate by any means, but I know first hand how frustration can easily lead to desperation.

I totally understand the need and appeal of online dating, and I know it can have advantages for certain people. The one thing, however, that will always be wrong with it is the inability to sense real human emotion (I guess unless you're doing some sort of online video-chat dating). Things can get very easily misinterpreted as text. You might think you're being charming and nice, but the girls reading your messages may have this mental image of a very desperate guy saying whatever he can to get a girl to like him (not saying that's the case, but it could be!). There are a thousand different ways you can tell a girl she has pretty eyes in person. The tone of your voice, facial expressions, and body language can mean the difference between, "you have very pretty eyes, and I really mean that" and, "you have very pretty eyes...will that get me in bed with you?". If it's said through an online message, however, it's up to the girl to interpret it without all of those extra clues.

So if you're feeling down about not succeeding with online dating, don't be so hard on yourself OR the girls that aren't responding. Again, my suggestion (after real-life activities) is to replace the dating sites with "social" sites that don't treat dating as the ultimate goal.

I really hope this helps. Feel free to give your input.
Bookmark and Share
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."
-Lao Tzu

Offline jack1987

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 17
  • Rec's: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • Maybe we can help each other in difficult times?
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2014, 04:49:37 PM »
Hey, thank you for all your replies, I appreciate the help. It may well be that I am just unlucky, or there is something in my profile that is putting people off, or both. I think part of it is that I am quite honest on my profile. If I make it any more interesting I feel I would have to lie, and I think it sets me up for trouble later if I do that. It's hard to make my sense of humour come across on a dating profile too. I agree 'clippergoodwill', the women to men ratio seems quite harsh on the sites. I never thought of frequently changing my pics, I usually just leave the same ones up there. I would ask a girl what she honesty thinks of my pics, though I think most would be too polite to be honest and say if I don't look good in them. In terms of my profile wording, I get caught between being too honest and modest, and not saying anything good about myself, and coming across as arrogant by disclosing an endless list of my qualities. Perhaps I'm just overanalysing the whole thing!! Maybe I am giving some girls too many compliments, but I assumed that was the only way to have a chance at getting a reply from one who is swamped by messages every day.

I appreciate your input 'AltoidsAndTabloids', and I agree, finding a relationship naturally would be best for me I think, but the very idea frightens me, mostly because somewhere along the way I'd most likely have to ask her out on a date, which makes me too anxious. I find the premise of meeting someone on a dating website easier in the sense that I can avoid asking someone out formally face-to-face, and both of us have a better idea of what we want. I find making friends and going to social events quite difficult, but am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. You are right about it being best to treat the idea of a relationship as secondary; this reduces the pressure and expectations people may have, but my obsessing about wanting a girlfriend makes it hard for me to not think 17 moves ahead when I talk to women, if that makes sense?

Online dating does indeed have the drawback that messages can be construed arbitrarily. That's part of why it seems like a minefield to me right now - one wrong step (i.e. one word/letter out of place) and it's all over. That coupled with some obsessing and, as you say, frustration and desperation maybe mean I'm putting myself under way too much pressure, when there's no real need! I shall take a look at some social sites not focussed on dating, maybe that would be a healthier way for me to interact with people.
Bookmark and Share
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before...

Offline So worried

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 61
  • Country: gb
  • Rec's: 0
  • Gender: Female
  • Mood: Thoughtful
    Thoughtful
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2014, 03:51:01 PM »
Good luck!!!! :))
Bookmark and Share
No more google for me!!!!

Offline silentfrost

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Rec's: 0
  • Gender: Male
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: Difficulties and frustrations with online dating
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2014, 10:05:58 PM »
Just keep at it, meaningful relationships can come out of online dating.  I dated someone for about 6 months that I met on a paid one.  I haven't haven't had much luck on the free ones.   Maybe they are not taking as seriously?
Bookmark and Share

Tags:
 

Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
4 Replies
808 Views
Last post February 25, 2008, 10:00:57 PM
by simonsays84
5 Replies
678 Views
Last post October 07, 2009, 12:12:59 AM
by Door
13 Replies
935 Views
Last post July 18, 2010, 10:26:11 PM
by my3sons
2 Replies
151 Views
Last post June 19, 2012, 11:55:26 AM
by southernanxiety
0 Replies
793 Views
Last post June 08, 2013, 09:57:55 PM
by Finding Nemo

anything