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Author Topic: How do you fall out of love?  (Read 453 times)

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Offline fallentofar

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How do you fall out of love?
« on: January 24, 2014, 07:55:07 PM »
How do you fall out of love?  I was dating someone a year..  First real relationship... I'm in the military... the first six months of the relationship i was not being treated for anxiety adhd.  I don't blame those conditions for what I did.  I blame myself.  I cheated and ran around.  I didn't realize the kind of women I had until it was to late.  Six months in I started seeing a therapist for my anxiety and adhd.  She prescribed medication, and it actually worked... The only problem is it worked so well I fell completely in love with her.   While I was falling in love with her She was falling out of love with me.

The day we broke up can be described as a bad one.  Most call it a very bad country song...
I'm from a town that was hit by tornado's.  She broke up with me on this day.  She took are dog and completely cut me off. 

She never knew about my exploits until I came clean and asked for forgiveness.  To this day its been 7 months and I don't know if she ever did.  She got married two months after are break up.  The painful part is I can't seem to fall for anyone else.  Shes there.  In the back of my head.  Ive had days where Ive almost ended it. 

its funny you don't know how strong you are until you have a gun pressed to your head with the safety off....  I fell into alcohol.  I'm active army at the time and so it was affecting my work place.  I am not the same man I was 7 months ago.  I've self harmed, I thought the physical pain would take the emotional pain away.  It didn't.  7 bottles of jack in a month.  I actually showed up to work drunk quite a few times.. NO one noticed.   She still doesn't care.  All I hear is move on be happy.  These people don't know.  I've tried! I want to move on so so bad.  It's just not happening.  Every night I have to take a ambien to sleep other wise ill be up all night thinking of the past.  Not of her; just of how happy I was.  I'd give up everyone to be happy like that again.  Someday it might happen.  For not I think I need to finish this bottle.

~ The Broken Soldier
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Offline Wren

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Re: How do you fall out of love?
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2014, 07:14:15 PM »
I've fucked up my share of relationships, I feel like everything horrible relationship teaches us to be better in our next relationships. 

Two months after she got married? That's pretty messed up, I'm sorry.
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Offline Jumbelly

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Re: How do you fall out of love?
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2014, 12:19:57 AM »
You may be idealizing that relationship and remembering it as happier than it really was. Ir you were cheating at the time it cant have been as perfect as you think and it may have been miserable for her. You've done some growning, now you have to forgive yourself for what happened in the past. Be the best person you can be, know that you are loveable and valuable. Eventually the right person will see that you are worth the effort.
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Offline GenSec

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Re: How do you fall out of love?
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2014, 12:08:00 PM »
Hi fallentofar,

You have my sympathies. My relationship of a year ended just a few months back and like you i'm finding it hard to move on. Both me and my ex made mistakes, it was my first serious relationship with a lady, and forgiving yourself for the mistakes that you made which came to overshadow the good times is an endeavor thats emotionally challenging at times. Those good times are hard to say goodbye forever to, i know. Despite being a guy i occasionally still find myself crying over them.

I'm in agreement both with Wren and Jumbelly. :winking0008: I've come to see that perhaps i've been idealising the relationship since it ended: there were times i was unhappy with the relationship and questioned whether she was the girl for me due to behaviour she exhibited, yet its not those times i automatically remember nowadays. When we lose something we can have a habit of getting nostalgic over it, of looking back at it with selective memory. I find it helps to remind myself of the problems we had, the times i was unhappy or left hurt, etc. That way i've begun to see that in fact this relationship was not as fated to be as i'd come to convince myself. Thats another thing love can do to us - we see what we WANT to see in the other person, we let our hopes blind us to the reality.

Also, in my case this was my first serious attempt at a relationship... i made mistakes. At first i found them hard to face. There were aspects of myself that i was unaware of but now i can see. As Jumbelly says, its important to stop beating yourself up with guilt and forgive yourself. :yes: Thats what i've started doing. At first i denied them, then i felt massive guilt over them. But living in self-imposed guilt won't help you grow and learn so that you can be even better in your next relationship. And thats what i'm starting to do... honestly analysing things about myself that i could improve, looking back on times where my standards fell short to see how i can eliminate such behaviour. Another thing i do is put my own failures into perspective... i didn't swear at me ex, shout at my ex, strike my ex or cheat on her... so, its not as bad as it could have been. There are good prospects for self-improvement!

Frankly, living in guilt is also pretty pointless... the relationship is over. Its not coming back.

I also agree with Jumbelly that if you were cheating then it couldn't have been as perfect as you have come to believe. I never cheated, but there were moments i came seriously close to leaving my ex because of things she did to me. Again, as i say after a breakup you can lose focus of these things and torture yourself by ruminating merely on the good times whilst losing focus of the bigger picture.

Wren's observation is also something that i share... marrying just 2 months later would make me pretty suspicious actually, and make me wonder just how deep her feelings were for me if she could get over them so quickly.

Like you, i also found that my ex wouldn't actually talk to me properly. I begged her for a time after we broke up to speak to me amicably about things so that i could get some emotional closure. She promised she would yet she never got round to it. However, to be fair to her i was an emotional mess and all over the place at the time so maybe i was too much for her to want to deal with. That lack of closure i sought from her made it hard for me to move on too. Like you i also asked her to forgive me for my mistakes... again, what feedback i did get was at best mixed on that score. As for her requesting that i forgive her for the things she did, thats never going to happen - she's not the sort of person to feel guilt or blame herself for anything. Not for long, anyway. I know she'll very quickly move on from me. My family assure me that the only person still moping over this is me. Perhaps my feelings for her were stronger than hers were for me. If so, that means i can take heart from the fact i'm a sincere, loving person. The depth and sincerity of your own guilt and emotional pain show that you're a sincere loving person too, fallentofar.

We are human. We make mistakes. We fall short. What makes is good people is not that we never make mistakes or let people down - its that we accept our mistakes, admit to them honestly, and work on ourselves so that we don't continue to repeat them over again. :happy0062: Thats what i think, anyway. Its too easy to just leave a relationship and heap all the blame for everything on your ex. Too many people do that and learn nothing. The fact you are not doing that shows how mature you are.

One day, you will find yourself moving on and sharing happy times again with someone special that endures in your life. And because it endures you'll treasure the memory of them even more. Take all the time you need to heal.

All the best,


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