What I see is a good person trying to find himself. I have great compassion for young people in the times we're in. All that technology, the extremes in just about everything. Sensational and unrealistic.
You may want to speak to a therapist, maybe get some mild medication, think about the kind of work you can do and prepare for it. I am big into yoga, tai chi, the gym, and daily meditation. These require time and patience. Benefits accrue over time. Try to be patient, forgive yourself, like yourself, see the good in you, try to be optimistic and hopeful. We try to support you.