Kind thank you to both of you.
I would say that she had flare ups of temper, but she wasn’t abusive. I'm not going to accuse her of that, its not fair. None of her physical moments were cruel or motivated by spite. They were always in reaction to something that provoked her. There were times i could have been more considerate toward her, honestly. Another thing was that when I had annoyed, upset or bothered her I felt it was best just to let her hit me a few times and get any bad feeling she had toward me over with. It was a quick way of sorting things out between us.
I felt seriously drawn to my girlfriend. She was a very assertive, dominant, even cocky, woman. She worked in a high-paced environment where her character made her successful. Her strength of character and the strong emotions which flowed from it attracted me. She was a natural leader, a person who I must say when she controlled things she never made a mistake. I came to trusted her judgement when she took charge of things or made decisions that affected us. As a guy with GAD it felt so safe and comforting to be with someone who liked being in charge and was confident in making the decisions for us. I'd never met a woman like her before. We felt like a good team when she took charge of the decision making and I helped her. Disagreeing with her (which did happen at times) caused bad feeling, as well as stressed me out because i just liked it when we agreed as one over everything. She wasn’t a shy damsel and she never pretended to be. She was also attractive. She knew that. With her character and looks she knew she could indeed have any guy she wanted. I always felt she could have gotten much better than me. Thats why she sometimes taunted me about other, better, or more confident, or more attractive, or more successful, or more sexually experienced men she could so easily have instead of me... to make me fight back, to make me see that i had worth.
I’ll admit yes, that there were times I enjoyed it when my ex hit me, or I sensed she was going to hit me. There was fear, because she didn’t hold back on her strength, yet there was also excitement. At times I teased her about hitting me and she’d playfully threaten to do it. Before our last time together we had joked on a number of occasions about the next time I ever provoked her again that she may feel the need to use a belt on me… and during our last few weeks together, she indeed ended up taking a thick, heavy leather belt along with her. She let me see it, asking how I’d feel about something like that being used on me, did I trust her to ever use it, etc. She never used it… which on reflection was probably best. I'd seen how she had a strong temper... yet at the same time i was intrigued by the idea. Again, i don't know why. But it was there. Despite her temper i knew she cared about me, so i felt i could still trust her not to go too far.
So yes, there were times i felt i asked to be hit by my girlfriend, and i'm forced to admit that at times yes i did feel excitement both from the prospect of my ex hitting me in a temper and when actually she did it. Not all the time... sometimes.
Even whilst i was with my girlfriend, i came to see that in some ways she was like my mother despite the differences they had in many other ways.
My mother, she was a deeply loving and caring parent, but she had to be in control of everything to do with my life and of things going on around her. I was weak and sickly as a child, often in hospital as I grew up, and she worked hard to toughen me up. She was loving, encouraging, yet hard on me as a child but I recognise that she had to be for my own good and I appreciate all her efforts. For instance I was so often in hospital that I missed a lot of early schooling… but rather than accept the school recommendation that I be put into a younger class, she forced me to study study study then forced them to put me in a class of kids my own age. Failure to perform adequately in anything was not an option, period. She forced me to do a lot of things people felt i wasn't able to do in my condition - arguing even with teachers, doctors, professionals, whom she felt were holding me back or settling for the easy way out for me - so that I would be tougher, stronger, healthier, more resilient, less weak, less of a victim. I loved her deeply but I was frightened of her temper. She physically disciplined me too: unlike my father who was calm, deliberate, controlled whilst doing it, my mother would get emotionally charged and lose her temper, often screaming and swearing as she did it. I feared that sort of temper outburst more than her punishment. My love for her and fear of angering her meant that i trusted her judgement. She always seemed to be proven right. Heh, i guess in a way its all similar to the way i trusted the judgement and decisions of my ex.
Both my mother and my ex are dominant, controlling, assertive women who enjoy being in charge and have supreme confidence in themselves. Both thought firmness was the best way to deal with weakness and didn’t tolerate failure well. If i failed important exams at school my mother would taunt and belittle me, gradually losing her temper rather than be all kind and commiserations, telling me to try harder and accusing me of being weak due to being coddled (which now that i think about it reminds me of my ex talking about other guys/my failures in regard to intimacy). She wouldn't talk to me for a while, then when i finally succeeded on another attempt she'd be all loving, happy, proud; "See? I know you could do it. You just needed to be encouraged the right way to get do it properly." Both believe in toughening people up to make them stronger; both have fiery tempers that could turn physical. Both were unpredictable. When the two of them met they got along amazingly well together. My mother liked her immensely and liked going out with her. One day i sat quietly watching them chat away, realising right then just how similar they were in some respects.