This is going to be really long, but I don't care. I want to be completely 100% honest and lay everything out on the table.
I'm a 22 year old female. I weight 380lbsb and have a boatload of medical conditions. I've been big my entire life due to my own shitty choices and lack of will power. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure. I have the diabetes under control with medication. I've had anxiety since I was 13 and have been on many different medications, but since 16 have been on lexapro and recently I have lorazopam specifically for panic attacks.
Let me tell you some of my past experience with anxiety. When I was younger I wouldn't have what people call "normal" panic attacks. I didn't get the symptoms of shortness of breath, feeling dizzy, heart racing, those kinds of things; I got SCARED. I got terrified and wanted to run away. I wanted to get out of where ever I was and be somewhere that made me comfortable. That is it. I've gone to so many therapists and psychologists that would try to pin point WHAT exactly terrified me and we could never figure out WHAT it was. They will happen when I am in the safest of places, with the comfort of my best family and friends, where there is no need to be scared of absolutely anything.
I also want to add some about my past with being obese and diabetes. Growing up I honestly did not care that I was fat. I had fun, I played sports, I hung out with friends, walked around the mall, did girl things; everything normal teenagers do. When I found out I had diabetes I literally brushed it off my shoulder. It didn't sink it that I had this terrible illness that could possibly cripple my entire life. The main reason why it didn't phase me, why being fat didn't matter was because I felt absolutely FINE. I felt HEALTHY. I mean yeah, I couldn't run a mile and I would get out of breath faster than everyone else, but I still could do the things I wanted to and have fun doing it.
Now, in the past year everything has changed. Absolutely everything. I have ALWAYS been a big girl but since I was 18 I have been at the same weight- around 340lbs. ( I know thats not good but it was me, ok ).. I have smoked marijuana since I was 16 to help with my anxiety. The last couple years of my life I felt as if it was an addiction. I would smoke an ounce every week. It helped me calm down and chill out and I would have less and less panic attacks the more I smoked. In June of this year I got sick, really sick. You know the tonsils in your throat? Well there is also a tonsil in your throat underneath your tongue that you can not see. In June mine got infected. It made it so it was extremely hard for me to breathe. I literally went insane. Everytime I would lay down my heart would start pounding. I could feel it everywhere in my body, in my fingertips, ears, feet, legs, throat, every single place in my body was pounding. It tore my world apart. I was so terrified that I was dying, that something was wrong that I made my mother stay with me for a week, and I would NOT let her leave my side. I visited the emergency room twice because I felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs. The only way I can describe it, is that when I take a breath I feel like there is still more air that needs to come in but doesn't. All of the tests on my lungs were normal, I had an asthma test, it was normal, I had an ekg, I had chest xrays, everything was normal. My doctor told me that she believed part of this, not only my infected tonsil, but the feeling of my heart beating and not being able to breath was my anxiety. Now remember, anxiety had never effected me in this way before. The anxiety I have known never had "physical" symptoms, it was simply me needing to GO. I didn't believe her one bit. I was POSITIVE something else was wrong. Especially after the tonsil in my throat had finally healed and I still was feeling the trouble breathing and the pounding sensations when laying down. This summer was the worst time of my life. I was anxious every single day. I would worry constantly about my heart, the pounding, my breathing, making sure I was breathing normally, everything, it consumed my life.
And then the scariest thing I've ever experienced happened. Remember when I said I smoked weed every single day for the past 2 years? Well in June when I got sick I couldn't smoke. It hurt my throat way to badly to do it. I was sick the entire month of june so by the next time I smoked it was an entire month since I last did. I finally felt semi-better my throat didn't hurt anymore and I was having less and less of the pounding sensation when I layed down. So one day I decided to smoke. I was having a perfectly normal day, I was absolutely fine.. actually I was HAPPY.. I was at home by myself and I had just got done smoking. Now yes, I was extremely high from not smoking for an entire month and it was freaking me out how I felt. I felt as if the lump in my throat was back and I started hyperventilating to get more air. I stood up to get some water and realized that my legs were numb, I started getting dizzy, my head hurt, my heart was racing, I could feel my heartbeat pounding throughout my ENTIRE body, I thought I was going to pass out. I thought I was having a heart attack. I called 911. I called my mom and TOLD her GOODBYE. I was sitting on the floor sobbing telling my mother goodbye at age 22. I was so scared being alone on the floor by myself not knowing if I was about to die. It was the scariest thing I've ever been through. By the time the ambulance got to my house, my heart had stopped pounding, I wasn't dizzy, my legs were fine, I felt nauseous but I felt okay. They took all of the tests and said everything was absolutely normal- I had a panic attack. I was in absolute disbelief, nothing like that had EVER happened to me in my entire life, I've had anxiety FOREVER and I've NEVER felt anything like it! I didn't believe them, I thought for sure I had a mini-stroke or a mini-heart attack or something was wrong, but the follow up to my doctor showed that indeed I had my first "real" panic attack.
I associated it with the marijuana smoking. It was the first time I smoked for over a month and I had new anxiety medication I was on and also was on new silent reflux medication, so I beleived that the reason it happend was because of that. Over the summer EVERY SINGLE TIME I SMOKED I would have a panic attack. It was also the ONLY time. I would be perfectly fine unless I smoked. I realized that marijuana couldn't be in my life anymore because having those attacks aren't something you really want to deal with. My love for weed was to be happy and to relax, not to feel like I was seriously going to die.
So in August I quit smoking for good. But since then I feel like my entire world has been crumbling around me. I feel CONSTANTLY sick. The breathing issues I had in june are still here, I feel like there is a ball in my throat and that I can't ever take enough of a breath unless I yawn. My doctor said I have silent reflex and I've been taking that medication but I always feel like when I eat I shouldn't have ate. I've HARDLY been eating. I eat ONE meal a day and after I eat I ALWAYS feel sick. I feel nauseous or like somethings in my throat and I can't breathe. When I eat anything with a lot of carbs or sugar my heart starts racing immediately. If I go out to a restaurant I can't eat a normal meal that I would've use to eat without feeling like complete ***** afterwards. I've gained 40 POUNDS FROM JUNE. 40 POUNDS. I feel like I can't DO ANYTHING anymore. When I go to the store I GET out of breath just WALKING. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack and die. This has terrified me beyond beleif. I am SO SO SO ASHAMED that I have let myself get to this point and I want to REVERSE this before I do anymore damage to my body. I've been to nutritionists, gyms and personal trainers over the years and have a lot of knowledge on how to lose weight. I've been trying to eat healthier, but the thing is; I'm hardly eating right now anyways because of how terrible I feel after I eat. I want to start walking again an hour a day of just walking, when I lost weight a couple years ago (I lost 80lbs) the first thing we did was walk. So I got the treadmill out and I got on and my HEART STARTED RACING. AND I GOT SO SCARED BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS going to have a heart attack! I AM NOW SCARED TO EXERCISE! IM TERRIFIED! ALL I want is to get help before it's to late. I've been taking my body for granted and I'm scared that I've waited to long..but I need help.. I need someone to help me and I honestly have no idea where to go. I wish there was a rehab for me to go to where I could just stay there for 3 months and change the way my brain works and just do it. I've tried so many times to diet and to exercise by myself but I honestly don't know how to do it anymore. I don't know if I can do it here. I feel like I need to be taken out of my environment and put into a safe house.. Just like they do with herion addicts or alcoholics... I just.. I don't know where to go or what to do and I'm scared that if I don't do something now I will just end up dying..
I'm scared to exercise.. I'm scared to do anything that has physical work to it because everytime I do ANYTHING my heart starts pounding SO hard and I just.. I don't know.
I need someone to reach out their hand to me and help me. I need support, I need love, I need an Ellen DeGeneres in my life.
I am 22 years old, I have my entire life ahead of me, I'm intelligent, beautiful, funny, outgoing and I need someone to teach me how to get my life going in the right direction because right now..I feel like I'm just slowly falling into a dark dark hole.. My anxiety has taken over my life and I don't know if anyone can help me here...
But if you have any suggestions at all..For anything! Maybe you know someone that can help me. I am willing to go anywhere or do absolutely anything to change my life. I need this, please, please..if you have any advice at all..
I'm all open.