I just want to thank everyone collectively for this site because its already calmed me down so much. I'm no good at writing and this is literally the first time I'm talking about this in depth which is hard for me so I've decided to just type and not be overcritical about what I'm saying soooo it might be a bit messy
about a year ago i took MDMA and had a pretty terrible experience not too bad to induce a panic attack but still enough to DEFINITELY NOT try it again (probably because i was peer pressured in a group of people i only just met, not my smartest moment). I'm not sure my anxiety has anything to do with MDMA but i thought id mention it because I've seen some posts in which people have experienced similar things in the same time frame . then exactly one week later i smoked some pot to help me get to sleep, as I've always had an odd body clock. At the time I was pretty depressed because of my situation, I moved from california to the UK a year prior (still is my situation 2 years on) and have had a lot of trouble adjusting i.e I've made many friends but no close friends, and thats what i value above pretty much everything. so yeah i smoked ( I had smoked this pot before and didn't have a reaction, it was from a dispensary in california so i don't think it was bad). I was never a big smoker either, probably about a 10 times before. I immediately stated to feel restless, and then just an overwhelming fear about nothing in particular which transitioned into this weird intrusive thought type paranoia about weird things happening to me like " will my ears start bleeding profusely?", "what if I'm the first person to actually have their head explode". i mean what is that. it sounds funny now but it semi believed it at the time. the scariest one was what if i kill/hurt my dog. I love my dog SO much it just freaked me out majoooorrrrly. so it was basically this inner dialog of me going "what if i…..?" and then "no you twit you just smoked weed this is anxiety you're not gonna….." along with that i got a rapid heartbeat could hear in my ears and body twitching, all in all this lasted for a good 5 or 6 hours until ,as the sun stated to come up, i somehow managed to go to sleep by listening to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AFbwnQiq_0
(i recommend this as a good anxiety chill-zone song).
In hindsight I probably should have woken my mom up and had her calm me down but to me that seemed somehow like it would enforce my idea that i was going crazy? i don't know.
The next day i pleased to find i had no more dumb thoughts, although I felt like I could never go back to feeling normal. i felt like i saw the world as a crazy person so everything seemed a more heavy to me. i used to love science as it used to make my day to day a little less monotonous learning something new and making every breath a little deeper and more profound. and now its the opposite, the enormity seems claustrophobic to me. I can't even watch documentaries anymore(ones about math or the universe, don't worry i can still watch meerkat manor) because i feel like its all too much for me to comprehend, and in turn, somehow, will make me go crazy. almost like I'm living in a weird physiological movie all the time. and that is a nasty feeling. also no david lynch movies, or horror movies or psychological movies or even mildly philosophical movies . also even thinking about the movie "enter the void" SCARES THE LIVING ***** OUT OF ME. all I'm left with is goddam romantic comedies. so it was basically a 360 in my personality.
anyway for about the 10 months after the initial incident things were not good but felt like they were slowly improving, i also had mild depersonalisation throughout this time. then my friend came over to visit me from the states and that for some reason is when i began to feel anxious all the time. i never really have a full blown attack in the physical sense (apart from that cotton wool/low vibration feeling in my head) but on bad days its like I'm just on the verge of going crazy about 3-4 times daily. during that time i also developed a new fear about somebody putting drugs in my food. like LSD or mushrooms or whatever (i got that fear while we were in amsterdam sooo maybe it was kinda fitting) I don't actually believe it but it feels better not to eat the food. I'm only like this when I'm super anxious so its not constant. So i was pretty much constantly anxious for about 3 months when i decided to see a homeopath which actually helped me tremendously in breaking out of that relentless debilitating anxiety. but its still kind constantly with me like a vague electric current varying in intensity. its on pretty low at this particular moment, but its always on my mind and i don't want to be aware of it.
I have gained massive empathy for those going through severe or mild or any type mental illness, to the point it makes depressed. I've also gained a massive massive massive phobia of getting any type of mental illness (particularly schizophrenia) which is what i think drives my anxiety. The thought of being stuck in my body and having irrational fears seem rational is so terrifying to me.
so that was roughly my experience and there are STILL so many more layers, the range of emotions and thoughts having anxiety gives you seem almost limitless, its so odd. also I'm 20 now, and early adulthood is when mental illnesses start to show up i think? so i feel like ill be anxious like this for at least 5 more years aaaah.
I'm usually the one reading posts on here and even the simple act of writing down this mess has made me feel a great deal lighter. If anybody has anything to say or relates to this in anyway, which I'm sure many of you do, please let me know, talking helps immensely!