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Author Topic: Please help I would like to know if I'm experiencing anxiety and or depression  (Read 155 times)

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Offline urumi13

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I'm a 22 yrs old graduating college student. Supposedly I was to graduate a year before but here I am still taking up my thesis after failing 2 subjects at the same semester for the FIRST time in my academic life. I've always believed that I'm good when it comes to stress management but at the same time I seem to be lonely whenever I am all alone since I was a child. I believe it all started when my neighbor lured me using junk food to his place as a kid and did some stuffs to me. It was only while I was getting older that I realized I was raped. I never told anybody about it not even my family until I reached my pre-teen years where I had loyal childhood friends. It was a great feeling to be able to tell someone but I was sooner betrayed by those childhood friends of mine for reasons being that the new boy in the neighborhood which they were eyeing on was interested in me. I am probably a late bloomer in terms of love and so I was detached from my friends and started to believe that I was a lesbian. After that I seem to be taken advantage of at school and was always bullied until high school. Entering college I thought that I love Art and was actually good at it but later realized that people were better than me and I seem to have lost my confidence. Don't get me wrong, I'm not your average artisit/emo kid.. I had many friends whom I truly cared about but I seem to be always worrying about stuffs.. now it is definitely normal for anyone to fail during college but it was a big shock to me. My family barely keeps up with my tuition. I know that I'm a lot better than my friends who graduated already but these days I just can't keep up with life. For years I've always had sleep problems and I seem to be 2nd guessing myself. I'm also confident with my singing but somehow I just can't sing in front of people and I always become too depressed whenever I fail at an audition. Now I'm doubting my interest with my major and I always seem to doubt if I will ever be successful..My mind seems to just want to give up.. I am in a happy relationship with my boyfriend but I don't want him to worry.. but right now I just can't seem to get my mind and body to work and finish my thesis. It just seems like I suddenly lost I suddenly don't want to do anything.. I find myself daydreaming about stuffs like becoming a successful movie director/singer etc. but I just can't seem know.. find my motivation? here I am been delaying my schoolwork for 3weeks and I need to have my consultation tomorrow but I can't seem to be productive and instead I am writing now in this forum.. I feel guilty about not being productive and stuff but I really feel empty I don't know.....I seem to be aware of what needs to be done..if it were a friend saying these things to me I could easily give advice but now..I just feel like I want to not do anything.. not worry anyone...not to feel pressure....I also can't seem to confide this with my friends as I don't want to be judged..I am afraid of others thinking that I'm too emotional..but really what I'm feeling is like I don't have any emotions anymore..just..empty.. Does anyone ever experienced this feeling? I know I'm still young and has yet to experience the real world..but this is a point in my life where I am in deep thoughts ..lost my direction
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Offline kconnors

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Thanks so much for coming by and sharing your experience . .. . I am not a med professional but perhaps some suggestions for you to consider . . .

First, you had a traumatic experience as a child that you are just processing now as an adult . . . add to that, you were betrayed by the circle of friends that you thought you could trust at a time when we are most vulnerable let alone dealing with being raped . . . right now, you are concerned that you are betraying your family's faith in you . . . so, in other words, you are a bundle of emotions . . . at 22, our brains are still maturing so it is a good time to start a recovery process . . .

Second, the fact that you failed 2 subjects for the first time is an indicator to me, a former professor, that you are probably an overachiever in order to compensate for seeking outside approval of your worth . . . rape will have that impact . . . it sometimes does not appear until later in life and, I think, in your case, it is mixed into a lot of other unresolved issues . . . often there is a sense of abandonment when the person does not feel that she is meeting external expectations and this can lead to both anxiety and depression, which are two sides of the same coin . . .You told your family but you did not mention what their reaction was . . .was it to simply move on and forget about the rape? Did they seek help for you? Did they confront the perpetrator? Depending on their reaction, this could also have had an impact on how you interpret your experience . . . for example, if they told you to move on, you may deep down have felt that you caused the event . . . this often happens in domestic abuse / rape . . . .

Third, if you love Art, pursue it . . . there will always be people who are better in any field . . . that does not mean that you should not follow your passion . . . .Art is probably calling you as a means to externalize all the feelings that you have kept inside of you and that is a good thing . . . we need to get those emotions out in one way or another . . . .and just what does being better mean? Perhaps you are developing your own style. . . . so think about returning to Art . . . You need to stop comparing yourself to your friends  . . .. we all travel our paths in different ways and at different speeds . . . .

Fourth, you need to deal with issues that have been with you for a very long time and now is a great time to do it . . . there may be some options . . . and, if not, then there are some decisions that you need to consider . . . can you take a semester off from your thesis and seek some professional intervention? I know that you do not want to disappoint your family, but perhaps a semester off will allow you to get over your depression . . . often, in writing a thesis, it looks like an impossible task . . . do you have an advisor who can help to direct you in how to chunk out pieces and work on it bit by bit . . .each bit finished will give you added confidence . . . .

Fifth, daydreaming about other careers is not bad unless it is an escape from dealing with your anxiety and depression . . . you may just be afraid of the possibility of failing and anxiety and depression love that . . . . sometimes we just have to decide that we cannot let anxiety and depression manage our lives . . . .and you said it yourself . . . you feel guilty . . . .and that is why I think you need some professional intervention to guide you in dealing with your past and also in deciding on what you want to do with your life . . . .

You are a very caring and sensitive person but sometimes our pasts do manage our presents and we have to do something about it . . .right now, whether you recognize it or not, I feel that you have a lot of suppressed emotional turmoil that needs to be brought out so you can see it for what it is . . . .the good news is that at 22 your brain is still maturing so now is a good time to start the recovery process . . . and it is a process and not an event . . . .your thesis is just an event . . . . personally, I think that you have the inner strength to go forward and complete it . . .hey, it might not be the thesis that changes the world, but that does not matter . . . it will be your thesis and your accomplishment . . . at the same time, if you decide (and remember, this is about you and no one else) to pursue another career path, then that is what you need to do . . . you will be a success and when you are, then you can repay your family for the tuition . . . I am sure that they would rather have a happy and healthy young adult . . .yes, they may not understand immediately, but they will eventually . . . .

Whatever your decision, know that you do not have to prove your value to anyone but yourself but I sincerely feel that you do need professional intervention to guide you in the decision making process and to support you . . . .you may have to try out a couple of professionals before you find one that is guiding you and not telling you what to do but the result will probably be well worth it . . .

As always, if you think we can support you, even if it is just to chat, come here and let us know . . .we cannot resolve your problem, but we certainly can support you . . . and remember:  It is not the number of times we fall down, but the number of times we pick ourselves up and continue that counts . . . . you can only fail at something if you do not learn from the experience and you are showing immense insight and strength of character to come here and share your story . . .take care, kc
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