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Author Topic: Finally getting over an abusive relationship  (Read 233 times)

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Offline mmcc77

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Finally getting over an abusive relationship
« on: December 12, 2013, 11:00:27 PM »
Hi everyone. This is my first post and I have to say, I'm really glad I found this forum because this has been eating away at me for some time now.

Almost two years ago, my ex and I finally broke up after a tumultuous, horrible relationship that consisted of breaking up constantly, him making threats to cheat on me, him telling me he did cheat on me any time he was angry and then telling me he only said it out of anger, and him constantly calling me names like ugly, fat, retarded, a *****, a slut, and a bitch. I was a virgin, and after we slept together he called me "loose."

I remember the first time we fought, he called me stupid and it was a major red flag for me. I expressed that I wasn't ok with the name calling and he apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. It didn't take long for it to become a constant thing. He always had an excuse, "you made me do it because you made me mad" or "it just came out" "if you don't like it, don't make me angry." The last year of our relationship he would just admit that he called me names because he knew it bothered and hurt me. He also used to call me boring all the time - something I have never, ever been called before. I actually have a complex about my personality now.

A lot of my friends expressed their concerns and told me that they loved me but hated to see me with him and that as long as he was going to be around, they wouldn't.

I haven't told anyone, no friends or family, the way that it still gets me. My confidence is better than it was, but it isn't the same as it was before that relationship. The fact that I stayed with someone who treated me the way he did still bothers me more than I can even say.

The irony is, the entire relationship, I had to babysit him. When we went out, if I didn't show him enough attention he would flip out and leave. He was constantly accusing me of looking at other guys, paranoid that I would cheat, and basically refused to share me with anyone else. When we went out in groups, he insisted that we had to be mostly alone - I couldn't be with my friends, only him. He needed constant affection and attention and if he didn't get it, he would turn totally vicious.

I never even noticed how bad it was until it ended. There were times I would go weeks without even smiling. If we had a fight or I attempted to break up, I would have to leave my phone off for days because text messages calling me horrible names would be endless and make me feel like sh*t.

It still bothers me so much. I'm embarrassed that I allowed it, my pride and confidence is hurt because I actually began believing all the names and insults he hurled at me. Most of all, his comments about my personality still bother me. He made me believe I was boring, and he made me feel boring, and I constantly feel like I'm incapable of making a man happy in a relationship. I just beat myself up over being so stupid constantly. I haven't dated much since the break up, mostly because I have so little confidence and I am so afraid of making the same mistake.

How do I finally leave this behind me? I don't want to carry someone like him around with me forever.
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Offline BuzzBee1

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Re: Finally getting over an abusive relationship
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2013, 10:27:19 AM »
Hi mmcc77,

Welcome to the forum.  You are now a member of our community, where you will find support and advice from other members in similar situations.   It's always nice to find someone else who understands, and to know you're not alone.

We have sections in the forum that address specific concerns, so feel free to post or start a new topic in the section that best fits your situation.  Feel free to explore the rest of the forum.  You may find the other topics helpful, and you may be able to offer advice or support to someone else.

We also have a chat room for members over the age of 18.  Once you have made three meaningful posts, you will be allowed access to the chat room.

mmcc77, what you describe is a classic abusive, controlling relationship.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  I have also been there.  But, you have had the strength to end that relationship, as did I.  Think of it as an experience that you survived and a lesson learned.  For me, if I hadn't gone through a relationship like that, I NEVER would have been interested in the man that is now my husband.  I am now happily married, but he's night and day from what my first husband was.  I would have considered him boring, had I not been through that experience and redefined what I wanted in a relationship.

Good luck to you, and again, welcome to AZ.

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Offline Stressed Jumper

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Re: Finally getting over an abusive relationship
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2013, 10:58:01 AM »
I second BuzzBee...there is nothing to be embarrassed about.  I had a crappy relationship with a real nut-job once myself, it was a rebound relationship and a major mistake.  I would suggest talking to a therapist who specializes in psychological abuse, they can help you work through this and get to the other side.  In my case I had a lot of great friends who I talked things out with until I could make peace with what had happened.  I accept that I made a mistake in listening to the jerk, I realize that he was 100% wrong in every mean thing he said about me, and I figured out that all the things he said were just a reflection of his own feelings of inadequacy and discontent with his life.  Six years later and I now have a wonderful husband who is as supportive as the jerk was abusive. I got through it and you can too!  Hang in there!
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