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Author Topic: Why Am I Doubting Myself?  (Read 354 times)

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Offline canadiangirl0000

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Why Am I Doubting Myself?
« on: December 12, 2013, 03:02:52 PM »
Hi there,

I'm new to this site and thought I'd give this a shot just to get other people's perspectives on my situation.
I am a 23 y/o female who has always been somewhat of a worry-er. I've usually always had a nervous stomach, but not to the point where it was ever a problem.

Short backstory: I just recently began my first ever relationship with this guy who is so amazing, treats me wonderfully and is everything I've ever wanted in someone. We met 3 years ago, and we liked eachother then, but it never amounted to much, and now he is back in the picture which I couldn't be happier about. We started dating the beginning of November, and were seeing each other/got back into contact at the end of September. During us meeting again, and even us beginning to date, never once did I feel anxiety. I was nervous sometimes to see him, but these were happy nerves, nothing alarming.

On November 20th, 3 weeks after we officially started dating, I went to my local walk in clinic and was prescribed Biaxin XL because of phlegm in my chest & I suppose the doctor thought it was a chest infection. 4 days after the medicine kicked in, I had my first full blown panic attack. Went to my doctor and said she blames the medication for causing this on me. I got very hot, nauseous, and felt an intense amount of fear.  I do not know why for the life of me, but before/during/and now after my attack, I attached this fear to my ever so loving boyfriend, and ever since then it has created anxiety in my relationship with him. I keep doubting my feelings for him, even though when I am with him, I am affectionate towards him. I remember right before the attack I asked myself: "Do I even like him?" "What if I don't?" Keep in mind I was with him 12 hours prior, and I remember getting home texting him that night telling him I already missed him before the morning of this disaster happened.

Ever since this event, when I am with my boyfriend, even though I want to be with him, and we're affectionate and everything looks fine, something does not feel right in my body. I look at him and can't help but to feel anxious because I do not know what to feel with him anymore and it's driving me crazy. I want to feel how I did with him before this all happened. He has never done anything wrong to me, never said anything out of the ordinary in order for me to wake up 12 hours later and question our relationship. He is the best man, and even though this is my first relationship, I know I picked him for a hell of a good reason. I can't bare to let him go, and I keep thinking what if I have to break up with him? Which makes me more anxious because I do not at all want that, but I can't help but to think that because when I am with him I do not feel secure/sure about myself as I was before this anxiety happened.  He's incredibly supportive, but I want to go back to normal where I was enjoying myself with him.  Any thoughts would be soooo greatly appreciated.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Why Am I Doubting Myself?
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2013, 06:34:13 AM »
I think as the first panic attack happened about the same time you got with this bloke, you done the classic thing of pairing anxiety with the boyfriend / relationships. Even though you were told it was the medication, a little part of you didn't want to accept this. So you looked for another answer. Could have been on a subconscious level. So now boyfriend / relationship = anxiety. You have to try and understand he was nothing at all got to do with that first panic attack. Just per chance he came along about the same time. But speak to him about it. Let him know what is going on. Tell him it is your mind playing tricks on you. Together you work through this. Go stronger as a couple. Rather than trying to sort it out by yourself.
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Offline canadiangirl0000

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Re: Why Am I Doubting Myself?
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2013, 08:31:36 PM »
This makes sense, thanks.  It's also getting to a point where I know this isn't about him, my feelings for him, but now for instance I did not see him this weekend, and I get a little irritated and angry, and then I think maybe we're not good together if I feel this way. Or I convince myself that maybe I'm losing feelings for him because I haven't seen him in the past week. It's almost like my mind is saying the opposite because I do want to see him, and because when I don't see him, I get angry almost as if I want to prove my mind right. My doubt is so hungry and it's trying to grab onto anything at this point just to keep getting fed. I guess I would be more worried if I didn't want to see him, and I suppose this all wouldn't be an issue because if I didn't care, none of this would be happening in the first place. I'd probably say to myself and to him, "honestly you're not worth it," and be done with it. What a powerful thing the mind is.
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