Thanks for your post. Not many males are even able to be as up front as you about how they are doing. Keep sharing, we want to hear how you are doing!
Some major things are going on with you in my opinion. I suffer with treatment refractory (technical term for nothing helps) Clinical Depression. I have taken all of the AD out there. Antipsychotics, bipolar meds, sleeping pills, anti anxiety pill. Saint Johns Wort, Sam E etc. I see people engaged in a relaxed conversation, until I walk up. Then it seems to turn superficial. I have never felt a part of. I dropped out of HS at sophomore year as I didn't handle it well. 5150 DTS a few times, and mainly a danger to self, not others. I would rather have my legs cut off than deal with depression/anxiety. I have diabetes, thyroid disease, and am on an insulin pump.
Why say all this? Because I want to describe to you that I am very ill. Mentally and physically. Nevertheless, I am giving my diseases top priority. Relationships are not important to me. I feel that females can be more work than they are worth (sorry). I am not gay, however. I never thought that I could feel better. I cannot tell you how I started getting better, other than adding to my medications, other things such as peer support. I remain unattractive, in a declining marriage, but I am feeling better and better. I simply accepted that I am, in fact, different, and ill. Not very attractive, nor a great deal of fun. I am, however, engaged in a peer support group that listens and cares about me, face to face. Along with my current AD, that seems to have been a missing link. I actually feel like I fit in with my fellow sufferers (we are all ugly, bummer!). Mornings are the worst. I get up, brush my teeth, go back to bed. Get up, shower, go back to bed etc. Hard to get motivated, and hard to believe things can get better, but I am getting better somehow. DBT, CBT therapy did not really do the trick, neither did diet and exercise. It was like putting anbisol on an abscessed tooth. Short burst of relief followed by hours upon hours of nagging pain.
More to say, but hope you are doing okay. You are in my thoughts.