I've been in a major depression/anxious/panic mode since September and I just don't know how much longer I can go on. Two SSRIs made me freak out - Lexapro and Wellbutrin - and now I am on Paxil which has not kicked in and maybe never will because each dosage increase has caused days of panic and insomnia, which is why I am only on 7.5 mg after 10 days!. Going up to 10 mg within the next few days. The anxiety and depression are just so all-consuming. It is all I can think about. My symptoms fluctuate wildly - sometimes I think the anxiety and panic is the main thing, other times it is the depression. When I feel the depression hit acutely, it causes a wave of panic because I think it will never end, and that I will never enjoy my life or family again.
I go for days without sleeping or eating. I have lost 20 pounds since September, eating only about 300 calories a day. Sometimes I go through periods where I CAN sleep and eat more - but all the depression/panic is still there - and these are the times I really start to think "Can I live out the rest of my life like this? A human can physically LIVE if they can eat and sleep. But to live without enjoying anything, and panicking constantly? How can I live the rest of my life like that?" I am so terrified that nothing will bring me out of this.
I was in a panic attack all day yesterday and my doc prescribed a small dose of Zyprexa to add to the Paxil. I got the prescription but didn't take it yet. Because today I am not in panic, just the usual uncomfortable anxiety. Also am feeling more depressed than anxious today. Does that mean the Zyprexa is now not the right thing for me?? Did the doc prescribe it because he thought I was manic yesterday, and now I am not? I don't know whether to take it (first time) tonight or not. The fact that it is an anti-psychotic scares me.
I have considered hospitalization every day since September but I just can't do it to my family.
Xanax and Klonopin only work in high doses, and only take the edge off, and this is not due to long term use or anything. I had never even heard of benzos until around October. The first time I took a standard dose it did absolutely nothing.
I just can't believe this unending mental anguish, It is indescribably painful. When I catch a look at myself in a mirror, my face is a frozen mask of fear. Of course everything is also taking a physical toll - I have stopped running (PLEASE no one tell me to exercise - I can hardly eat), my (now grey) hair is falling out in clumps, and I have just generally aged 10 years in a few months. My gums are also bleeding a lot.
I have had a physical and bloodwork recently and everything is "fine". I am also seeing a therapist but all I want to talk about when I see her is the hell of trying to get my meds settled.
I don't know what to do? Just live like this? Take care of my physical body and my family and home as best as I can and just know that I will never enjoy life, my family, my pets, travel, music, movies, anything? Just keep going through the motions for the next 40 or 50 years? Is it possible?
Someone please, PLEASE tell me they have felt exactly like this and that it has lifted. I am in so much pain.
Thanks for reading.