I am always condemning myself and believe I am unlovable. I feel I did something unforgivable against God and He won't accept me back. This is all in my brain and it is an absolute obsession. No one can tell me otherwise. I do continually and compulsively (frenzied sometimes) seek out anything that confirms or denies these thoughts. I seek reassurance. I have written to a lot of people this week, I talked to a priest, a Pastor today and also a lady from the Catholic Church who was ministering to my mom. I read Bible stuff (AHHHHHH!!!! So much terror!!!!) and when people say I'm loved and forgiven, my mind can not believe it. I believe it for everyone else, but not me. I have serious lack of self esteem. I don't know whether it's some kind of weird pride or my lifelong perfectionism....take one false step and BLAM! That's it for you!!!! one small step, one mistake, one thing and you're kaput!!!
No wonder I feel so unlovable. When someone tells me I am worth anything or loved, I go into a crying fit because I want to believe it and it feels so good but it's like I feel "Why love me? Why waste your love on me? I'm nothing!"
I have cried so much this week, I have been despairing and so sad. It's like wanting God's love but insisting in your mind that you're not good enough for it. It's like going to the doctor and insisting you have a disease and they say you don't have it but saying, I don't believe you! over and over. But with God it's scary because there's stuff about losing your faith and turning away etc. and boy the punishment is way worse than just heart disease. So it's a tightrope all the time and I feel i've fallen off it so many times and lost faith in God and then now that little tiny thread I was holding onto is still there....but is it enough?
With OCD it's never enough. Nothing can be good enough, you have to just keep going.
Like when I would clean things I would take such pride that I got into every nook and cranny and scraped away stuff and wouldn't give up til every bit was perfect. tension and anxiety etc.
How though can you keep beloieving in God when you feel unlovable? the only way to not be rejected anymore is to pretend He isn't real and then that rejection goes away. Then you just get condemned by everyone for losing your faith instead of people realizing that you didn't WANT to reject Him, you just could not feel acceptable and forgiven because well
This disease torments people! I wonder if there's brain surgery that might help....
Some people even would say like, perfectionism is evil or something and then you get attacked because you have this disease. They would say that despairing is evil or depression or mental illness because the Bible says that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear but .. of a sound mind.
Does my mind sound SOUND to anyone???? Why can't that mean it's just broken instead of being something evil? If my leg were broken people would probably not say it was broken due to sin. But when your head is messed up, it takes over what you can believe. You're at the mercy of the brain. So meds help sometimes, but they can sometimes change what you think, like when I take certain meds and get depressed and I don't care as much about things. It changes what I think.
Thank you edukator though, you're extremely kind to me always. I am thankful for you, you are a dear person.