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Offline Calamy

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I am getting psychotic
« on: August 27, 2013, 05:59:39 PM »
When I was 17 I put myself in the hospital due to severe anxiety, panic and insomnia. I did all the huge testing and they put me on Haldol and some other stuff, can't even remember it. I didn't feel "crazy" but I did have a few instances when I was 17 and when I was about 29 or 30 where I saw someone I knew and felt terrified of them and they looked like they were going to kill me. It was so weird, but it went away. I refer to those as psychotic episodes. I have had maybe 5 of them since I was 17 and none really until recently. I also used to get dissociation, depersonalization, derealization stuff a lot.

I have been under tremendous stress since turning 40 last December. I have HUGE in law problems where they have been controlling most of my life for almost 3 years. I have been a heart worrier and did all the tests for that. Finally found that I have sleep apnea and also have hyperventilation syndrome so I sort of quit worrying so much about my heart. My brain, with nothing to latch onto and be scared of, is now doing a lot of weird thinking.

My OCD which has pretty much been extremely mild for the past 20 years has become increased over the past few months. I have more intrusive thoughts than before and more compulsions. I have more obsessions but now they're religiously focused (as they were when I was a young teen). I have scrupulosity and feel condemned by God and attacked by the devil all the time. I have magical thinking where I connect things from my mind to objects (I can't wear certain clothes, I can't do certain everyday things etc. or something bad will happen and so on). I have superstitions (like when there was a dead bird on my lawn or when I went to church and opened a book to the funeral page or see the Obits in the paper or when I was at the bookstore and saw a copy of Dante's Inferno and some book with some devil face on it and so on. My license plate says M45 DYZ which I take to mean I will die at 45 as my name begins with M. -- of course I've been obsessed with license plates now and saw one that said W29 DED on someone's car and other stuff.)
I had a weird thought once a week or so ago that "you are going to die" and a sensation of reality like came with it like it was absolutely TRUE somehow. Almost like someone was confirming it. I also may have had a touch of this when I told myself I was going to hell, but I am not sure what I felt.

I have been feeling like things all "mean something". I had some lab results that were a bit off about my kidneys (which I think set all this stuff off, honestly because I was so scared and they left me for two weeks in a perpetual state of terror!) and I finally saw an internist who reassured me that nothing worrisome was going on. I had myself so worked up over it for 2 weeks I think that's why I started getting superstitious and seeing "death" in everything.

Today I had a scary incident where someone on a conference call I was in asked the other person about how old their kids were and for a few seconds I felt disconnected as a mother, as if I didn't have a kid or used to have a kid but not anymore. It was absolute terror.

I will say that my child is supposed to start kindergarten soon and I am extremely anxious about it. I have been also withdrawing from my child for the past week, almost afraid to go near or look at my child because i fear that I will be contaminating with my anxiety, tears, etc. or I will somehow endanger my child. I have unbearable anxiety about it and I have also been distancing myself  from my husband so sometimes when I look at my husband and child they don't seem like mine, they seem just a little unfamiliar. Sometimes my husband doesn't seem like himself for a second or two.

I have been having bad dreams where the devil's chasing me or out to get me and I'm crying out for Jesus in my dreams. I am always  fighting in my dreams. I wake up with hallucinations sometimes (since 1999) and most of the time they're patterns or something like a lamp or plane but a couple of times I think I see a person or black shadow of a person. One time this week I woke in a panic and thought i saw a demon face in my curtain and I started telling it to go away in Jesus's Name. it wasn't really discernible and I'd been sleeping and this stuff always plagues me when I sleep because I think of it constantly during the day.

I called my old therapist since I don't have one up here and he said that I need to talk to a psych or a doc urgently and get some medication. He mentioned Haldol again (though they have newer stuff now I was told.) I see my family doc tomorrow and will ask him about getting on something. He mentioned tryingto  keep me out of the hospital, and that he'd "seen me worse" back when I was first seeing him. I had terrible religious scrupulosity and obsessions then, constantly going to Mass and confession and seeing priests. I never feel forgiven and I always feel vulnerable and attacked.

At this point I feel like my mind is going, where I have feelings and thoughts and they're all so threatening. I also feel devoid of my own personality since moving up here because my in laws are so domineering and dominating. They pick on everything we do, and they are in our lives (my sister in law came over here to yell at us recently again). I feel like my whole life is under their control and judgement. I feel my every move is gossiped about (and honestly I'm not paranoid when I say that one. There's a lot of talk about us behind our backs.) My sister in law wrote me a letter even saying that she thought I was just trying to upset everyone. :( This is because  right now my husband has been home with me instead of at the family business. They are all angry with me for it, and angry with him. There's a lot of dominance there. I lost  my self respect and we have been called childish and all sorts of mean things.

I saw a priest and had Confession but don't feel any better. I pray but I don't know if I have enough faith since I'm hanging by a thread. I feel completely hurt and vulnerable, paralyzed with fear.

I don't know if my problem is spiritual or mental, if it is a physical brain thing or some kind of supernatural thing. My father was paranoid schizophrenic. I thought that to be that you had to not know you were, but I have been reading about it and see how half of schizophrenics have insight that something is wrong. Also I read that some types of schizophrenia come out later in life, some are mild that come and go and so on.

I think the enormous stress of living under someone's watch all the time (they decided our house, where we lived, they provide my husband's salary) and dealing with the weather here (cold, dark winters), being away from my family and comfort zone, trying to please everyone and holding so much anger because I can't please anyone, and having religious delusions and weird feelings and phobias is making me lose my sense of reality. I actually even looked at my hand yesterday and I had no sense of attachment to it, like it was someone else's hand.

I have been crying so much and hysterical most of the time because I can't control the thoughts I keep having or what feelings go with them. I keep thinking they mean something, like I will die or my loved ones will be hurt or something. I also feel condemned, like I am unacceptable to God, and I also feel like I'm not sure God is there and I'm afraid that if I don't have faith then I will be condemned. So I can't win -- I don't know where to turn.

I see my doctor tomorrow and I am begging to see a psychiatrist.
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"Fear is such a vicious thing; it wraps me up in chains." - Tears for Fears, "The Working Hour"

Offline Cuchculan

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2013, 06:38:13 AM »
Deep breath time. Let us look at the God issue first. God is a person of love, is He not? He will never turn His back on you at all. I am surprised if you did mention this to a priest that he didn't say ' that people are tested daily '. Or even ' tempted '. I suppose we could more use the word Tempted. This might be were your Devil is coming in to things. Everything bad in your life you may see as the work of the Devil. Even when you go to sleep the fears are there in your dreams. The Devil is there. It is God you are wanted to save you. This is your subconscious mind talking to you as you sleep. Part of our dreams can be made up of our fears. A lot of your issues seems to be around religion. God and the Devil. I am not a preaching sort of person at all. But your God would never refuse you. That is not to say that there may be blocks placed in front of you. Things for you to climb over. These are your every day problems. You think it may be a form of punishment from your God. It is not. This is were normal mental health issues come into play. We can't blame these things on any God at all. But just know that God is not out against you. If you want Him in your life He will always be there for you. But we still encounter problems. Problems we need other kinds of help with. Therapy. You can still pray. You can still talk to priests. But the therapist will help you sort out what is what. Make things that bit more clear. Show you that you are not been punished in life. I know we can get that idea. But life and religion mixed together can throw both good and bad at people. Just keep your faith. Hard it may seem at times. If prayer if your thing, then continue to pray. But we have to know when it is prayer we need and when it is a doctor we need. I look at my own mother. Very religious. Prays a few hours daily. Sick last week. She continued praying. But she also went to the doctor. God is there for peace of mind. I think that is what you are looking for in God. To get those other thoughts out of your head. I think the Devil, to you, is in the shape of the negative thoughts you have been having. Because they are still there you question God. But those negative thoughts are a medical problem. One for a doctor. This is why you should not turn your back on your God. I think you are getting medical and religious mixed up at times. Even entwining them both as one. Once you get a bit of therapy going I am sure you will begin to see this even more. Then you might see that your God has always been there. He had never left your side. More waiting for you to see that your main problems were medical. Pointing you in the direction of a doctor and a therapist. Who will get you back on the right track again. You have a lot going on in your life. Living away from your own family. The weather. Sounds a lot like our Irish weather. Cold, wet and dark most of the time. Look up light boxes online. They may give you some form of help for the darkness.  Simple box with built in lights. That are meant to mimic the sun. They work wonders for some people. Put it on as you read a book. Never look straight at it. Just having it on beside you does the trick. They are cheap to buy. I will leave this as it is for now. I hope things pick up for you. Remember, believe more in yourself. No matter how bad things may seem, there is always a road back.
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Offline Calamy

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2013, 08:05:39 AM »
Thank you, Cuchculan. I can always count on you for a response. I will try. When my mind is so jumbled and bombarded it feels like everything is just wrong in me and I'm so unacceptable. I am struggling every day. I see my doctor today who will hopefully set me on some medication. I think a lot of this began because I started giving up my heart worries and my mind needed something else to latch onto. For a while it was worrying about my kidneys but when that got cleared it went full drive into religious attacks mixed with bodily worries. It's always felt like my mind is so strong, it needs something to obsess on otherwise it will go wild.
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"Fear is such a vicious thing; it wraps me up in chains." - Tears for Fears, "The Working Hour"

Offline Cuchculan

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2013, 09:50:24 AM »
That is what I like to call ' The evolution of anxiety '. When one symptom vanishes and another moves in to take its place. This has happened to me many times over the years. I began with panic attacks. I don't even think about panic attacks these days. They don't bother me at all. They have moved along and something new took their place. Which has since moved along too and another new thing jumps in there instead. So I know exactly what you mean. But we are born fighters. We keep on going. No matter what is thrown at us. I seriously believe that some day we will come out the other side of all of this much stronger people.
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Offline eduk8or

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2013, 11:34:52 AM »
Although I am not a religious person, I agree with what Cuchculan said about God.  I choose to believe that He is a person of love and would not condemn you.  To me, it sounds as if your anxiety/OCD has gotten out of hand.  Are you taking any medication?  You are doing the exact right things by getting in to see a doctor and talking with a therapist.  My anxiety changes also.  First my intrusive thoughts focused on my heart and I was sure I was going to have a heart attack.  That went away.  Then I was afraid I would harm my kids, friends or loved ones or even hit someone with my car.  That went away.  Now my current fear is losing my mind or having schizophrenia.  And so it goes....  I am hoping you find relief after talking to your doctor today.  Hang in there! 
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Offline Calamy

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2013, 06:23:20 PM »
My doctor seemed concerned and said he wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist "but there are none." Basically where I am in canada you have to have a referral to see anyone and apparently there is a huge shortage of doctors of all kinds and so he didn't refer me. He asked me what medicine I wanted to take and said all the anti psychotic drugs were messy drugs and came with side effects and risks and stuff. Like one will hurt your liver, one might hurt your kidneys, all of them have that neuroleptic malignant syndrome thing which is rare but could kill you etc. So I'm stuck.

He prescribed me something called Depakote (which then the pharmacist called me about saying it "didn't exist" but I guess it's under another name up here)...it's an anti seizure medication that can help with bipolar symptoms and thought problems. It comes with warning about liver toxicity and possibly fatal pancreatitis.

My doctor basically told me he really doesn't treat a lot of people with mental stuff, so I don't feel especially trusting of his opinion, and he did say he didn't like Abilify which I wasn't keen on anyway because it can mess with the kidneys and I don't need more problems since I already have a bit of messed up kidney function.

My OCD thoughts are still racing. I just now felt like I saw a black shadow at the very periphery of my left eye (though sometimes I get stuff in the corner of my eye a lot like lights or zig zags and stuff and I try to ignore it. This one felt like dark approaching and then was gone. No idea.

I just don't need this right now. My child is starting kindergarten tomorrow and I am in such a state of high anxiety that I can't think. I have intrusive thoughts coming at me and racing thoughts and some feel like me and some feel like they're more "significant" somehow, as if it's a message to me. That's where my psychosis is coming in. I'm getting a bit more chest pain today (started last night) and have been hyperventilating just outright, panting and stuff.

I don't understand why my mind is falling apart. I am so afraid of God and ask why He won't heal this and help me.

Now I'm getting paranoid about a devil or something lurking over by my left eye or something because of that dark thingy. It's always religion, it's always the relgious stuff I am attacked with when I am at my weakest!!

So now I'm terrified that I have a demon lurking outside my vision but I'm trying to be rational and say well my eye lid is a little more folded on the left so sometimes I interpret it as in the way of my vision on the side and top sometimes (it's just the skin is a little bit less tight there and my lid has an extra little fold). Maybe I'm seeing my hair on the side or my glasses or something. I don't know but I'm making myself crazy with it now.

I have never really had stuff happen in like, real life so much before. Usually it's all mental, my own thoughts and worries and now it's like it's breaking through to the world and I'm seeing messages and dark blobs and having weird feelings about my own thoughts that seem "real" and not just thoughts. I am hearing crap (granted it was just last night and a hypnogogic hallucination). In the past I had olfactory hallucinations and I also have the ones where when I wake up I see stuff and I have sleep apnea which doesn't help any of that I'm sure. (Can't afford a CPAP machine so it's untreated right now.)

I tried to call a crisis center and they asked me to call back in 15 minutes.

Am I going to lose my mind?
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"Fear is such a vicious thing; it wraps me up in chains." - Tears for Fears, "The Working Hour"

Offline eduk8or

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2013, 06:56:36 PM »
I am really surprised your doctor didn't at least prescribe a benzo like Xanax or Klonopin or Ativan  for your high anxiety.  At least you could take it and get calmed down so you weren't hyperventilating!  That really sounds unacceptable to me.  Can you Google psychiatrists in your area and then call your doctor back and ask him to please write you a referral to one of them?  It doesn't seem humane to me that he would just leave you in the state you are in with no relief and no referral to see a mental health professional. Maybe you can get a second opinion from a different doctor who will write you a referral?  And how can a crisis center ask you to call back in 15 minutes?!  That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

I have taken a low dose of Abilify (2.5mg) and was really happy with it for treating my OCD and anxiety, but it made me gain weight and have high blood sugar, so I had to stop taking it.  I am now taking a different atypical antipsychotic called risperidone (.5mg) for about 3-4 weeks and I am not sure how it is working yet, although my anxiety seems to be a bit better than it was a few weeks ago.  I wouldn't bee too afraid of these medications, as it is better than having to deal with what you are going through right now.

Please hang in there and keep fighting for yourself!  Let us know how you are doing!
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Offline Calamy

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2013, 08:04:58 PM »
Yeah I was surprised as well! about the crisis center.

I do have Xanax so I will take a bit more of that than usual as it's as needed anyway. My cardio guy actually gave it to me for anxiety and not my family doctor, the family doctor told me it causes Alzheimers so he won't give it to me.

I have been in touch with a doctor I saw from when Iw as 17 - 27 and he is actually trying to help me a lot, advising me, reassuring me and calling me back every day. He was my therapist who saw me through some of the worst times so he knows me reallyyyyy well. He's concerned for me and asked if I can find a psychiatrist "soon" because he wants me to have a medication that's specialized to me, not just something the other guy just picks out. I agreed. I found there is a hospital or something here where you can go for emergency mental help and assessment so I will go there tomorrow. I'm kind of scared to go because I'm afraid they will keep me there, but I want to get better and I know I need help and meds. It's just messed up that people here can't get to see psychiatrists without waiting months.

The other day I called the crisis center and a lady talked to me for a good while and I tell you I was hysterical crying then and this time I wasn't so maybe that's why they asked me to call back but still you can't know just because a person's crying or not. I didn't call back yet, either.

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"Fear is such a vicious thing; it wraps me up in chains." - Tears for Fears, "The Working Hour"

Offline eduk8or

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2013, 08:24:44 PM »
Well ALL medications have side effects, even antibiotics, so you have to sometimes risk it to feel better.  Your current doctor sounds "interesting".  I have never heard of a doctor not prescribing Xanax because it might cause Alzheimers.  I'm sorry, but the medical system in Canada sounds pretty messed up.  You are doing all the right things to get help though, so that's good.  Good luck tomorrow.  Let us know how it turns out.
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Offline Calamy

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2014, 10:59:40 PM »
Just an update...i feel like because of the anxiety and fear there have been times in the last couple of years where i  lost most of my faith. I describe it as hanging on by a thread. I would still feel the threat of the  devil and believe he was after me, taunting me , but I could not accept the love of God or power f God. I can't forgive myself, so I started to question God's existence. I was terrified of death and it turned into me wanting to believe that we're just organic and don't' go anywhere when we die a nd this  gave me some relief from the anxiety.

I have this OCD in my brain, I see only t he negative, I obsess about it. I obsess,hate  myself, condemn myself.

So I am staying with my mom in TX and I starte d to wonder about my faith and pray more and I read something about "apostates" and got  scared that God would not accept me back. I feared that I had given up my faith because I was trying to put Him on a shelf. I had even pr ayed to Him many times saying It is not personal, it is not  that I don't want y ou, but YOU SCARE ME SO MUCH! God frightens me because I don't allow him to love me. Does that make sense?

So Ire ad stuff in Hebrews about it being "impossible to restore to repentance" people who know God and give up on Him. So now i  am crying and shaking a nd can 't eat or sleep thinking that is me, and I am feeling condemned again. I also can't accept forgiveness because my brain fights ANY good news.

It is a real affliction, not being mentally stable enough to believe anything GOOD. Only bad. So my idea to protect m y sanity was, if I can not get God's love and I can notall ow myself to experience itth en I will remove and control the pain by blocking Him out. IA m a hurting person. I hope HE knows that and it was not because I hated Him, I don't. I just feel separated from good things. When good things happen, I reject them inside my head. I went to a priest and he said GOD loved m e and he's11 0% SURE I am not condemned.

WHen you have this brain disease, you can't accept the good. I need meds I guess but they scare me, too. The psych community d'oesnt knowh ow to help ver ymuch.
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"Fear is such a vicious thing; it wraps me up in chains." - Tears for Fears, "The Working Hour"

Offline eduk8or

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2014, 09:50:55 AM »
Hi Calamy.  No offense, but this really sounds like a religious obsession, which is a well documented form of OCD.  More than anything, I think this is just part of your OCD flaring up and has nothing to do with you being "condemned".  Your compulsions are looking up information to either prove or disprove your current thought and/or reading the Bible, talking to a priest for reassurance, etc.  There are some great books out there about OCD that you can read that will help you to see that what you are experiencing is common for people that suffer from OCD, or you can get some books about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that can help you work through these thoughts.  Once you accept that this is just a form of anxiety, you can work on getting better.  Continuing to analyze your religious beliefs is just going to continue to cause you pain.  You are the only one that can break that cycle.
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Offline Calamy

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Re: I am getting psychotic
« Reply #11 on: February 02, 2014, 02:12:36 PM »
I am always condemning myself and believe I am unlovable. I feel I did something unforgivable against God and He won't accept me back. This is all in my brain and it is an absolute obsession. No one can tell me otherwise. I do continually and compulsively (frenzied sometimes) seek out anything that confirms or denies these thoughts. I seek reassurance. I have written to a lot of people this week, I talked to a priest, a Pastor today and also a lady from the Catholic Church who was ministering to my mom. I read Bible stuff (AHHHHHH!!!! So much terror!!!!) and when people say I'm loved and forgiven, my mind can not believe it. I believe it for everyone else, but not me. I have serious lack of self esteem. I don't know whether it's some kind of weird pride or my lifelong perfectionism....take one false step and BLAM! That's it for you!!!! one small step, one mistake, one thing and you're kaput!!!

No wonder I feel so unlovable. When someone tells me I am worth anything or loved, I go into a crying fit because I want to believe it and it feels so good but it's like I feel "Why love me? Why waste your love on me? I'm nothing!"

I have cried so much this week, I have been despairing and so sad. It's like wanting God's love but insisting in your mind that you're not good enough for it. It's like going to the doctor and insisting you have a disease and they say you don't have it but saying, I don't believe you! over and over. But with God it's scary because there's stuff about losing your faith and turning away etc. and boy the punishment is way worse than just heart disease. So it's a tightrope all the time and I feel i've fallen off it so many times and lost faith in God and then now that little tiny thread I was holding onto is still there....but is it enough?

With OCD it's never enough. Nothing can be good enough, you have to just keep going.

Like when I would clean things I would take such pride that I got into every nook and cranny and scraped away stuff and wouldn't give up til every bit was perfect. tension and anxiety etc.

How though can you keep beloieving in God when you feel unlovable? the only way to not be rejected anymore is to pretend He isn't real and then that rejection goes away. Then you just get condemned by everyone for losing your faith instead of people realizing that you didn't WANT to reject Him, you just could not feel acceptable and forgiven because well


OCD

This disease torments people! I wonder if there's brain surgery that might help....

Some people even would say like, perfectionism is evil or something and then you get attacked because you have this disease. They would say that despairing is evil or depression or mental illness because the Bible says that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear but .. of a sound mind.

Does my mind sound SOUND to anyone???? Why can't that mean it's just broken instead of being something evil? If my leg were broken people would probably not say it was broken due to sin. But when your head is messed up, it takes over what you can believe. You're at the mercy of the brain. So meds help sometimes, but they can sometimes change what you think, like when I take certain meds and get depressed and I don't care as much about things. It changes what I think.

Thank you edukator though, you're extremely kind to me always. I am thankful for you, you are a dear person.
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"Fear is such a vicious thing; it wraps me up in chains." - Tears for Fears, "The Working Hour"

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