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Author Topic: Tips for spouses that don't understand  (Read 3947 times)

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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2013, 06:48:27 AM »
I would be honest with him. That the only person who make things right is him. He needs the help for himself. By getting it, it will also help the relationship. Make this all very clear. That there are issues that are bringing the relationship down. Things that can't be avoided. That you love him. Want to be with him. But he must get help for himself. That as things stand, things are not good. If he refuses to see this he is closing his eyes and his mind on the relationship he has.
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Offline needlove2013

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2013, 10:53:22 PM »
Thank you very much for the advice. I gave him a time frame of the end of this month or I would file for divorce. I felt I was pushed to do it because he threw furniture at me then blocked the door so I couldn't escape. He says I'm wrong for giving an ultimatum and he resents and hates me even more. It makes me feel that he doesn't love me enough to get help and that he never loved me in the first place.
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Offline crikee57

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #12 on: August 02, 2013, 04:49:45 PM »
Tam - Thank you for posting these great ideas for helping  a spouse/partner understand. 

I would add that at the core of all the things you suggest is communication.  A lot of us who suffer from anxiety tend to try and keep our suffering to ourselves.  I think that not only makes the anxiety worse for us but also hurts our partners, because they don't know what is truly causing us so much pain.  People tend to assume things and so often the distance and unhappiness can be construed as being the result of the relationship or the partner could take the blame on themselves. 

I have found recently that communicating and being completely honest about my thoughts and needs has really helped my husband and I be closer and subsequently improved my anxiety.  When we hide our feelings and needs, we only increase our anxiety and drive a wedge between us and the people who love us and want to help.
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It's not what's in front of us that stops us.  It's what's inside that holds us back.

Offline JessiCalamity

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #13 on: September 15, 2013, 12:49:53 PM »
This post and everybody's stories has helped me realize that I need to try to put more effort into my relationship. I think I expect my boyfriend to do certain things and I don't give much in return. I think he has a lot on his plate to do with my anxiety and maybe I don't appreciate it enough.
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Offline Grandma65

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2013, 12:29:02 PM »
Thank you, Tam, for your wise words. 

My husband and I both have anxiety and depression, so we are each on either side of the dynamic. 

There was a time a few years ago when he was hospitalized in a psychiatric unit and I visited him every day;  a few weeks later I was hospitalized in the same unit and he visited me very day.  Sometimes the staff members seemed confused by who was the patient and who was the visitor!
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Offline TryN2Smyl

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #15 on: October 10, 2013, 12:11:11 PM »
NeedLove2013, I understand where you are at. I tried for years to get my husband back into therapy and back on meds. I finally called it quits. I knew at the end of the day, we were both better off. He is; now he is in therapy again. It hurts, though. I am not going back. I have that FU line, as a friend of mine puts it. Once crossed, it is a point of no return. Something can always rise like a phoenix from the ashes, but it will be some future time. He needs to be healthy for himself, not for me.
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Offline Jumbelly

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Re: Tips for spouses that DO understand, but still need occassional tips
« Reply #16 on: January 26, 2014, 11:55:17 AM »
I wish this could be a new group. I have some useful advice as the spouse of someone with anxiety problems. But sometimes I could use advice from others.
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Offline orloveforme

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #17 on: May 20, 2014, 03:02:07 AM »
Thank you for this. My GAD / HA has been having major effects on my relationship. The main problem is that its been bothering my SO when I talk about it, but he blows it off and acts like it has no effect. He explained to me recently that he was doing that to try and make me stop worrying. It was his way of trying to be sweet  :-*
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Offline tinker

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #18 on: September 05, 2014, 11:36:44 AM »
Jumbelly:  while it's not a new forum, please do add your advice - I would really appreciate some.  I'm trying to work through some very difficult relationship issues right now with a partner that will not seek help for GAD, or even talk about it.  I'm at a point where I don't know what else to try, and things are on a long slow decline.  I desperately need her to make an effort, but unless she does I can't see things improving.
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Offline linds007

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Re: Tips for spouses that don't understand
« Reply #19 on: October 10, 2014, 04:00:23 AM »
This is all good advice, but what if you give your partner what it is that they need and they REFUSE to get ANY kind of help, and the abuse caused by the anxiety is detrimental to the relationship? What do you do for a person who desparately needs help, but refuses to get it?

I can totally understand this, although I am the one who refuses to get help :(
My partner says it all the time, why don't you love me enough to get help? Why do you let yourself be unhappy? Then he starts thinking he's not good enough to keep me because I "obviously don't care enough" to get help, and somehow he blames that on himself. It makes me feel terrible, but I understand where your partner is coming from. I don't seek out help because I feel embarrassed and stupid. I'm not sure what his problems are, but I am constantly plagued with the thought that my problems are dumb and psychologists have much better things to do than listen to my problems. I realize I may lose my partner but I just haven't been able to do it yet. I keep telling myself there's nothing wrong with me, but yet I know there is.
Unfortunately, I am selfish, and I think a lot of anxiety sufferers are too, not because they want to be but that's just how it is :( From your end though, I can see how enough is enough. I just wanted to share my feelings from the other side. Good luck!
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