Hi everyone - a Newbie here, although I have looked at this site several times to try to help ground me. I am a female in my mid 40's who has suffered from HA half of my life. I have given myself many debilitating diseases over the years: ALS, MS, Syringomyelia, breast cancer, Ovarian cancer, brain tumors, stroke, heart attack, sarcomas, etc. To date, I have not been diagnosed with any of these diseases, but I tell you I spent a lot of time convincing myself I was dying. Back 10 years ago I wasted an entire year of my life CONVINCED I had a nuero disorder. FInally I said ENOUGH! I worked so hard to pull myself out of the black hole I was living in and reclaim my body and health. It is AMAZING the control our mind has over our body in manifesting symptoms. Anyway, I promised myself I would not go back down that road and the last several years I have been pretty good. Sure, I can dx myself with cancer pretty quick but I have learned to not let it spiral out of control. Until now.
On and off over the past 8 years I have a feeling that there is "something" in my mid abdomen right next to my belly button (right side). Does not cause any pain or discomfort, but periodically I can just feel it in there. For some reason this past August I got focused on it. Head off to the Dr who runs a localized ultrasound (US) - nothing shows up, she thinks it is a small hernia. I push back so she does a whole abdominal US. US report comes back unremarkable but report makes note of a small hemangioma on my liver. Now this is something I can grab onto and fall into my black hole. I am now obsessed that this benign hemangioma is a metastasis spot on my liver. I run off to a Gastro specialist who thinks nothing is wrong but orders an MRI to make me feel better. Unfortunately, my insurance will not cover a MRI but approves a CT scan. For some reason I freeze. I am TERRIFIED to get a CT scan. I should be all over this test, right? Why don't I want it? Well 1) for some reason, to me, CAT scan stands for Cancer And Tumors Scan. I am convinced it will show "something" that will send me down a road I do not want to travel and 2) why do I want to expose myself to ALL that radiation just to settle my fears. I don't do the scan but get the US repeated on the liver after 4 months to see if there are any changes. I go in and they can not find the darn thing. The tech is looking all over the place, a second tech comes in. Nothing.
Now I am scared they missed it! In the meantime I read an article on the ESPN sports guy who has cancer by his appendix (possible carcinoid) and I start thinking of that weird sensation I have had on and off in my abdomen and I start to connect the dots: slow growing tumor in mid stomach, metastasized to my liver (my spot), carcinoid. Now I am dying again. I then read symptoms on carcinoids and they talk about flushing. Since then EVERYDAY I get a dry flush, no sweating, but chest, upper back, head and face feel soooo warm and at times red. I can't stop the flushing so I am now convinced that I have carcinoid - even though in my head I know I did not start to feel this flushig sensation until I read about it. I am getting it now as I write this.
So, I need help. I need to know how to distinguish what is real and what is HA. One day, I am going to get sick, for real. How do I know when to take it seriously and when to hold back. Should I get the CT Scan or will that just lead my down a road of more questions than answers and I lose another year of my life again. I do not want to be naive. I want to be sensible.
Why am I so afraid to LIVE life and TRUST my body? Why do I always wait for the world to crumble around me?
What should I do?