Intrusive & Obsessive Thoughts About Others Dying are wearing me out

[reba1717]

I am new to the forums but Im finding them very helpful. I have had anxiety about people dying since I was little. My grandmother died when I was five and I remember it being very traumatic. I have experienced a lot more loss in my life since then. I was widowed in my early 20's- he died of complications from a bone marrow transplant. I lost my dad suddenly a year ago. My uncle this past spring- and recently a rash of 3 sudden losses in my inner circles (one friend's mom died suddenly, my friend's 40 yr old husband died suddenly and a friend of my mom's died sooner than expected- all in Dec.).

My mom is a cancer survivor and I am always stressing when she goes to the doctor for a follow up. She's been doing great and has been in remission- but she is 75- and it scares me. She went to the ER on Christmas eve for chest pains and weird symptoms- it scared her because she witnessed my dad die of a heart attack a year ago. Anyway, I was very worried, but it seemed to be a bladder infection that was causing all of her strange symptoms.   I still stressed because they sent her for multiple heart tests after just to be sure there was nothing else.

On Thursday, she called to tell me about her follow up and said the famous words "Now, I don't want you to worry" (Hahaha- that's what I do!). Apparently in the CT scan they found a nodule (small)in one of her lungs. So where do I go? IMMEDIATELY into panic mode- she has cancer in her lungs (the uncle I mentioned earlier died last spring of lung cancer- 6 weeks- diagnosis to death) so I immediately GO THERE. However, so far, 2 doctor's haven't seemed to worried about it.
Of course, I started Googling- and well- that was all bad. I went into an extreme panic attack- threw up and everything. Like I had found out she died- she didn't - she is fine- right now, as far as anyone can tell. But I can not get the intrusive thoughts out of my mind that she is going to get cancer again or that she has it and will be gone- soon. It's exhausting. It's fustrating.

I had been diagnosed with GAD and Panic disorders but never with OCD. But when I started reading the intrusive thoughts posts a light bulb went on. Though I have yet to see anyone have anxiety / panic attacks or intrusive thoughts like I do.  Is this similar to when mothers project onto their babies that something is wrong?  I dont understand. I can't relax or concentrate. I keep trying to stave off another panic attack- .. Any advice?

[Pippy187]

Reba,  like you I get many intrusive thoughts I always think every little ache and pain is going to bemy demise I think this comes from all the death I have seen related to my job of being a paramedic.... I always say what if I end up like them... Your situation would be stressful to anyone esp since your mother is a survivor the only reason why it's so heightened is probably related to your anxiety / OCD.   Do you see a therapist? They provide great cbt and exposure as well as good distraction methods.

[reba1717]

thank you for your response. I appreciate it. I especially love this:

"He who fears death cannot enjoy life". I know this in my head but living it is another story!
I have seen a therapist on and off- in fact Im leaving her a message right now.

Im on a low dose of Paxil, which seems to help most of the time. Sometimes i wonder when my anxiety is heightened if I need to up it. I think Im at 20mg daily right now.

I also know it is heightened because a dear friend of ours was just put into hospice care for metestatic cancer (everywhere); 3 sudden losses in Dec., my cousin last summer and my uncle last spring; and of course with the CT Scan Results.

I spoke with a friend who is a radiologist who says I shouldn't worry about the scan that it sounds relatively normal- so why can't I accept that? I just have this terrible impending doom feeling!

[Pippy187]

I think with all the loss you have experienced, you may be traumatized by all the loss.  I know I would be! Cancer in general is so scary and I think anyone who goes through with caring / losing someone to it would be exceptionally sensitive to it.  I think your reaction of anxiety is pretty normal, just heightened by anxiety

[reba1717]

Many Thanks for your replies :)

[Pippy187]

Anytime I hope you find some light in your situation.

[sky3942]

Reba you sound just like me. I worry about my family so much, every cold or pain or illness I think the worst. I think about it  everyday. I cannot  give you any advice. I try to think of positive thoughts which is so hard to break through my illness. I am on zoloft/Klonopeon and it helps but it is not the cure. Everywhere in our family and community someone is dx with either a fatal disease or dying suddenly. This morning got a call from my niece that my brothers ex wife(33 years old) was found dead this morning they don't know what happened. Uncles, aunts, stepmother, cousins have dyed since the last 2 months. I have ordered so many flower arrangments and attended so many funerals my head is spinning.  So I know what you are going through i pray each night and try to let god take over my worries and it helps. This site has helped me so much and the people here are just like us, going through the same things. I hope you get some relief with your worries at least some improvement.