I've met this girl on a 'good' online dating site (not the nvm, it doesn't take a genius to know a site that's for genuinely good ppl and a site that's just for hard-core bangin' or hook-ups). We've spoken amply enough to earn trust and now she's taken a weekend off in December for me to come visit. She lives 170 miles away.
I cannot do this. I am in no shape to make this trip with what I suffer from and not having relief from the doctors and therapists, and I have no clue why I even got myself in this situation.
I take klonopin 1mg 3x a day, the slowest acting narcotic antianxiety agent they make bc 'it stays in your system longer' and they won't increase it bc according to them 'you're on a high dose already.' As well as depakote 250mg 3x a day.
Now, idkwtf to do. I mean, in the end I'll live with not meeting her dont get me wrong but that's beside the point. This is a rl example of how debilitating gad and panic disorder can be with interfering with someone trying to have a real life. And why there's so much deliberation with allowing me/anyone in my shoes relief just compounds the individual into further debilities (depression probably, ocd probably, HA eventually) which is all counter-productive is completely beyond my comprehension. Most importantly aside from the girl is being able to sit through college lectures again, of which it seems I'll never be able to do at this rate. And if I can't, then what's the point to anything? My gpa is still well above avg b4 they switched diazepam to klonopin and y they wont switch back I'll never know.
The girl says she understands, as I've already explained to on probably the 2nd phone call the 'real' me behind the photos and bio. I have nothing to hide and if it's a problem, God'll send me someone else. Nbd. The real me with the gad and panic disorder of which she was rather understanding too, surprising me I won't lie.
Fast forward to tonight: And we just got off the phone regarding meeting literally 10 minutes ago. To me, she understands as much as someone possibly could without suffering from it themselves, of which I wouldn't wish on anyone's worst enemy and I put that on everything. It's like seeing a woman in the grocery store trying to care for a child with down-syndrome. You can Try and understand how hard it must be but none of us that I know of can truly say we know what that is like 24-7.
All I know is that I'm going to TRY and make the trip bc she really seems like a good girl, and, to challenge my own fears as best I can. I already know I'll be checking every exit on the way for the blue "H" sign for hospital just to be safe. (Is that ocd already and i'm not aware it is?) Still, I'll go as far as I can and just pray and pray that nothing physiological takes over from the stupid-a$$ amygdala. Even if I DO make the trip somehow, idk how this relationship suppose to continue unless, well, she's already mentioned that I move there. I know that sounds early, WAY early (to me) but God love her she works 12 hour days, 60 hour workweeks and Still finds time to be a Sunday school teacher for kids. I'm not concerned with the future of it so much I havent even made the 1st trip but that's not the point. The point......I guess I don't have one and this post is a bust.
I just called (it's midnight here) and left a msg with my dr because I'm going thru the same sh@#, day in and day out, even if I put up a better 'air' in chat that would surmise otherwise bc once again, this gad and panic disorder is controlling me and I've got to find a way to break free (without harming myself or doing something stupid). I'm trying to push my late dec appt to earlier but the thing is, it's like i can't get thru to these doctors even if I do get my appt pushed sooner. It's like they believe me, but they prescribe a narcotic (which ooh, is such a no-no) but not one that lets me do normal things. I do cbt, meditation, exercise, you name it. It's that God-forsaken amygdala and I'll just stop myself here. I understand no one here can do anything about it, even if anyone posts to this, but it's all just getting hopeless as I age. I'm kicking 30s door down. I need relief not just for this one occasion but for life. And again, I can't seem to get this thru to drs.
What am I doing wrong? What am I suppose to do to get them (drs, therapists) to understand and I don't have to live this way? If I have to live this way the rest of my life (sorry chat ppl that may have come to respect me) then what's the point of living? Am I suppose to go live in a 'home' and kiss my life goodbye? Share half of a tiny room with someone who's crazy and lose what freedom I DO have living on my own? I refuse to continue with these asphyxiations. It's not human, it's not how we were made, it's stark suffering and it's bull@#$% that I continue to live with them.
Any advice is welcome.