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Offline xogemxo

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #610 on: May 19, 2014, 11:11:28 AM »
Hi am 24 from Ireland. My anxiety started just after my second baby was born I could not go any where without thinking I was going to die, every ache and pain it was something serious I've recently been getting migraine and seeing floaters, feelin week and all this has led me to think it's something serious! I get out and it's always on my mind! Hate being like this any one n e suggestions how to get over postnatal anxiety lol I've tried cbt and it worked but now it's finished its back again xxx
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Offline HalfMoonRun

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #611 on: May 20, 2014, 10:29:06 AM »
During my freshman year of college, I developed anorexia due to the enormous change I was going through. Not having the comforts of school and my friends that I had known all my life, I felt extremely lost and alone. This and the fear I kept hearing about (the Freshman 15) lead me to try and control my food intake. Since I felt like I had lost my identity in this new frightening place full of strangers, I felt like my outward appearance was the only thing I had to make people like me. So I obsessed over it and got to a very frightening weight before my dad stepped in and tried to get me help. Unfortunately, I did not know how to come back from such a low food intake, and I had forgotten how to "eat normally". So I started binging on food to fill the new void that learning I had an eating disorder gave me. Binging until I was so uncomfortable to even move started to become unbearable so I started throwing up my food. The extreme binge/purge cycle continued for 3 years and even caused to me to drop out of college and become pretty much a recluse. I think I went a whole year without going anywhere in public due to the shame and disgust I felt for myself.

I tried to stop it every single day and saw a therapist. Every day I thought I was going to stop throwing up, but every day I failed. In 2006 I thought I had gotten it to a manageable level, where I was able to function somewhat normally in public, but still binge/purge behind closed doors. I enrolled in college again and had a mostly successful semester, until the very end in May when I felt "kinda funny" on my way to my history final. It was the kind of funny that you know is something wrong, not pain, no other symptoms other than that sort of nauseated weakness that just tells you you need to stop what you're doing and lay down. So I told my professor I had to go home, I drove home and went upstairs to lay down. I felt the need to use the bathroom and was kind of alarmed to notice coffee ground-like stuff in the toilet (sorry if TMI!). I felt too out of it to care that much, and I just wanted to get to bed. On my way to my bedroom, I passed out. I don't know how long I was down, but when I woke I had a bump on the head and my cat was sniffing at my face.

Alarmed since I had never passed out before, I called my uncle and he took me to the ER. The doctor informed me that I had blood in my stomach and they had to find out what was bleeding inside me right away. So they shoved a tube down my nose into my stomach (OUCH!!! MY GOD) and started to suck the blood out that way. I was put to sleep so they could put a tiny camera down my throat and look around. They found a small tear in my esophagus, which was the source of the blood...due of course to the constant violent purging I put my body through. There was little they could do except just let it heal on its own, which they told me the body will do, so the tube was removed from my nose and I had to have a blood transfusion. Scary stuff. The second night in the hospital, I felt really "funny" again and called for the nurse. Turns out I was bleeding internally again, but this time the severity was so much that my blood pressure was dangerously low and I was pretty much flat lining. I actually remember hearing them call my dad to tell him that he should come see me, like they do when someone is about to die, and all I could think was "This is what is going to kill me. I am going to die at 22 from something I did to MYSELF."

So as all the nurses and doctor were gathered around me, frantic, doing stuff I was totally unaware of, I had to throw up again. This time I threw up what seemed like gallons of blood. Irony...throwing up all of that blood, which was poisoning me, probably saved my life. After that, I don't remember much. I think I blacked out or fell asleep because I was blissfully unaware of anything for at least 24 hours. Sleeping like a baby in the hospital is pretty much the best thing you can do. When I was conscious again I found out I was having another blood transfusion. After another few days of being stable in the hospital, I was discharged, forever changed.

I never threw up my food again. I am very proud of that. Because even a near death experience cannot cure an addiction. The urge came back again and again, but I wouldn't allow it. I still binged almost everyday, but I forced myself to just LIVE with it. No purging. I had to just be uncomfortably full. That went on for a while until I started to learn how to eat again. Little did I know the entire time I had my binging/purging to rely on, that it was my way of relieving stress. Without it, I had NO idea how to handle all the stress that had been building up, that I didn't even know about. That was when I had my first panic attack.

Every little feeling in my body made me relive it all over again. I was "bleeding internally" all the time. I was put on Wellbutrin, which actually did work for me. I went through Valium and Ativan before settling on Klonopin for my anxiety. It helped curb the panic attacks. I thought benzos were a godsend pretty much. I could function in society again! So...here I am, 7 years later, and my anxiety is worse than ever. I had some major life changes last year, like breaking up with my long time boyfriend of 7 years, and moving out of my house. I also lost my job...LOL. I have been trying to taper off the Klonopin for the past few months, with the encouragement of my current boyfriend. Probably pretty bad timing, but I don't want to be a slave to benzos for the rest of my life.

But my body has not been cooperating with my best intentions. I have all kinds of physical symptoms, most of which I think are related to MS. And I have been reading this site for a few weeks every time I get a new symptom. What caused me to register today is an involuntary thumb movement I woke up to this morning. So here I am. Glad to be here.
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Offline quinnyhendrix

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #612 on: May 23, 2014, 01:54:53 AM »
Hey everyone,

I just joined and am very thankful to have found this.  My name is Quinn I'm 23 and I'm from Atlanta, Georgia

I've been dealing with anxiety since I was about 5 or 6 years old. For most of my life it has been fairly manageable with the help of (SSRI'S) until I turned 20 when I started

having Pure-O anxiety.  All of you understand how difficult any anxiety disorder can be especially when your friends and family members don't quite

understand what you are going through.   

I can trace my anxiety back to when I started school.  I turned 5 in june and started school in august so for the most part I can attribute those days

on how I developed this "Dark Passenger" being unprepared and under-developed emotionally from being separated from my mother.  I don't blame
 
her for any of this nor do I blame anyone.   When my Pure-O started I forget the exact details that had brought me to it but what I remember is that

I was petrified of hurting my loved ones.  I was worried that I may be a psychopath that the "BEAST" in me had awaken and that I would soon change.

The word "kill" repeating itself in my head over and over.  Horrific images that planted themselves right in front of me.  For 2 weeks I felt this until

I realized that I was in control of my very thoughts,  That all this was just in my head.   It's been about 2 years and the same ideas and thoughts

have returned stronger it feels like.   My thoughts this time of being afraid of becoming Schizophrenic, Thinking that I am hearing voices, question

my own reality having a moderate case of derealisation/depersonalization, fear of losing all rationality, my happiness, the enjoyment of my loved ones.

Thinking that every second may be my last before I "Change." In reality though every obsessive thought just leads to another one. Browsing the internet looking for peace of mind, a phrase, a sentence, something that will ease me back into me. I feel as though I am truly going insane adding only to my fears.  Obviously, I know that I am not crazy but that its just my OCD.   

It's been a struggle just get out of bed and actually live.  Everyday is a challenge and every day is a step forward. 

I am glad that there is a forum such as this were we can share our experiences and fears and not be judged or looked at all cocked headed.   

It will be of great pleasure to read and share on this site.   :bigsmile:
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Offline SoloflyeR74

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #613 on: May 26, 2014, 04:19:22 PM »
My anxiety/depression problems stem from my childhood.  In my post I will have to touch on race, racism, and stereotypes to prove my individual "problem".  I will first say I come in total peace.  I believe in Love, Peace, Happiness, and a Higher Power.  Fantasy right?  Anyway, I was born into drama between my parents.  They eventually get it together and move to California to pursue a better life as a family.  Things seemed nice once we were in California.  I had both parents in the same home working and living as a family.  I was well taken care of and had everything any kid could want and more.  It was nice.  The other side to that is that I also remember seeing my mother crying and depressed over my fathers promiscuous ways all the time.  Seeing my parents fight like that and seeing my mother left in sadness once it was over was devastating to me every time.   

He eventually says "F" it and moves in with the NEXT door neighbor (apt. E to apt. F), of which he eventually married and had children with.  He sent my mother and I packing back to Indiana without anything but tickets to get there.  We instantly became the stereotypical broken "black" family with the single mother on section 8 and welfare.  You can't imagine how my world changed.  My environment.  The "hood".  The stereotype.  Being bullied because I'm of mixed races.  Being called not black or white boy and even getting chased at times scared and hurt me a lot throughout my childhood. I was surrounded by it everywhere though.  I eventually became a part of it.  There was no way around it.  I lived that street life as a teen.  A "thug".  What gets me is that before Hurricane Katrina came and took it all away (I lived down there when she hit), I had a photo album full of report cards with my honor roll awards next to them as well as other miscellaneous awards and ribbons. I was a smart kid.  I didn't want any parts of what I was living in, but I had to survive in my reality around me.  I did an exceptional job of doing it. 

I eventually get arrested as a teen for fighting and get on house arrest and probation.  My probation officer was shocked that such a good student was behaving the way I was.  My mother and probation officer went behind my back and set me up with an Army recruiter.  My mother could sign for me because I was 17 which was leverage that I was totally uncomfortable with at the time but I went ahead with it anyway because I wanted better for myself.  Being I was still living that lifestyle, I did not get accepted into the Army because I failed my urinalysis in MEPS.  That hurt my recruiter because he was truly rooting for me and didn't want to have to report that I had failed my pee test to my PO.  He turned me over to another branch and I left the hood for good.  Serving the military was the best thing that could've happened for me.  It gave me a new life.  Discipline, structure, and purpose.  I absorbed it very well comfortably.

I served my time and got out to move on with my life and start a family.  In parallel my mother was going through a hard time in life with her mental disorders which needed my full attention and my cousin who was like my Siamese twin ended up killing himself from depression....oh my girlfriend of the time started cheating on me and left me as well.  My world seemed over.  Alcohol was my friend.  So I wouldn't have panic attacks, I'd drink no matter what time of day it was or if I've eaten or not.  All alone in my apartment day in day out.  ***** seemed like peace to me.  Instead I kept fighting. 

Things briefly lightened up and I met the mother of my two boys.  Bad mistake.  Not my children, but her.  I was so tired of being alone, I used her for escape even though the "red flags" were all over the place.  She would have sex me with a lot, feed me, spoil me, yet wanted to fight, argue, and cheat on me.  I was so confused because I didn't want to be alone so I accepted the bad with the so called good.  After she had my first son I was stuck.  I wanted to be because I wanted what I didn't have as a child and I was determined to get it for me and my son.  No bueno.  The constant fighting and cheating of her was unimaginable.  It caused my little boys more harm being in that type of environment than having two loving parents apart.  I had to go, but not without my children.  That wasn't a problem since she was so involved with her lover that she told me to take me and my kids and get out of her f'ing house.  She also provided the airfare for our tickets and transportation fees to have my car shipped across country to my mother's house.

Once in SoCal I entered a different world.  Forget the racisms between Whites and Blacks, the racism between Blacks and Hispanics is unreal yet its very real believe me. It was typically the Hispanics who were in their mid/late 30's and up.  Dag near every where I went they'd let me know they were uncomfortable with me.  Again I walk in peace.  I'm very aware of how I present myself.  I'm very careful yet all they saw was a threat.  What's funny is because I eventually end up meeting and hanging out at times with some Cholos from the neighborhood.  They had me all over the place out there with them.  They took care of me.  Can you imagine?  I end up becoming friends with Hispanics while in college as well.  My closest friend was a total "white guy" to the T.  He was very proud of his Scottish/Welsh heritage and voiced it a lot.  He had the cars, lived with his parents in a small mansion and had plenty of money.  He took me everywhere with him to party and chase women in L.A.  We had a blast.  It's a different feeling smoking a joint with a guy like that.  Hello I'm from the hood and ran the streets remember?  Why did my Korean classmate keep taking me to his home with his Japanese girlfriend and to Korea town showing me his culture and food.  He would drop me off at Union Station to catch my train on his way home after class at times. I don't know. It felt good starting and graduating with them. My next door neighbors were a nice white couple who treated me like royalty.  They had me over all of the time.  It was sad to see them have to move out of town but it showed me something as well.  Not all people have it out for me.  One of my ex's from a really serious relationship was Mexican.  We couldn't progress to our full potential because of her racist dictator macho Mexican father.  I couldn't take it and had to break both of our hearts to save myself.  The Pain.  If I get let off of the hook for a total DUI in the deep backwoods of Mississippi where they have what I believe is the biggest confederate flag flying I've ever seen in my life on the main highway is unimaginable.  But true.  I don't talk or act as some would call "white" or "uncle tom".  I am who I am.  I'm very careful, disciplined, yet I will always have "hood" in me.  Not in the manner of acting or thinking in the hood type negative manner, but just a product of my environment.  The same can be said when saying redneck.  Not all rednecks are what the negative stereotypes say they are.  Believe me I know plenty of them.  They're good people just like I am being from the hood.  So as I've said before not all people have it out for me is technical wording.  Because I can easily say they do and feel the same way.  I deal with a vast amount of negativity from mainly white people on a daily basis. It's a battle.  It's a battle in my own so called race because of the way I look.  Smh than that Willie Lynch letter is something else I tell you. 

So I seek refuge in music.  2Pac and Amy Winehouse forever.  I take my medication, go to counseling, and group therapy.  As in the Serenity Prayer I will take the world as it as not as I would have it.  It's one hell of a battle, but will be worth it in the end for me.  I'm fine with that.  I have my peace with my Higher Power and will continue through each day with Him until he pulls me from this hellish place. 

(My condensed version)
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Offline samandthecity

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #614 on: May 30, 2014, 11:17:33 PM »
Hi there, I'm here because I suffer from terrible health anxiety and I need some support. I'm 32, married with two little boys (3 and 7 months), and I'm a nurse. I have always been anxious about my health but it started to get really bad about 10 years ago. The first time was over a twitch that I had in my finger. I basically convinced myself that I had MS or ALS. Over the years I have had all sorts of symptoms the I've convinced myself are various diseases, even when the doctor does all sorts of bloodwork and tells me I'm ok. My health anxiety flared up pretty bad when I was on mat leave with my first son, and now that I'm on mat leave again, it's been terrible. My current worry is over a couple of different things that have recently happened. About two weeks ago, I was in bed sleeping and I think I had some sort of weird muscle spasm in my face. I remember actually rubbing my face in my sleep to try and loosen it up. I didn't remember about this until late the next day, and even then I wasn't sure if it had actually happened or if it was a dream. I tried not to think about it but subconsciously I couldn't help it and silently obsessed over it for about a week, wondering if the weird muscle spasm would happen again. Then a couple of days ago, I was over at my parent's house just sitting at the table when all of a sudden I had this awful dizzy spell. It felt like the whole room was spinning. I immediately checked my blood pressure, which was fine. So since that incident I've been having terrible anxiety. Muscle twitching, a sore face, tight throat, feeling like I'm in a dream. It's awful. I don't even really know what I'm worried about now, it's like the physical manifestations of anxiety have taken over my body and I just can't seem to shake it. I'm thinking that maybe I just had a lot of different stressors building up and now this is the result. This mat leave has been quite difficult for me. My baby was born 2 months premature (my first was the same) and he was in the nicu for almost 6 weeks before he could come home. Then he came home but still had feeding issues, the he had evening colic and my older one was in the worst stage of terrible twos. Now we're having some financial trouble because my hubby's work is kind of slow and my mat leave top up has run out. I'm trying desperately to get my pre-baby body back with no success. I'm sucking at the stay at home mom thing, I can't keep my house clean :( . My hubby doesn't really get the whole health anxiety thing. He never really knows what to say to me...usually just something like, "yah I dunno, I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe go to the doctor". But then, really, what else do I want him to say? Anyways, that's my story. Thanks for reading. It's good to read other people's posts and see that I'm not alone.
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Offline Aly231990

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #615 on: June 02, 2014, 08:38:29 PM »
I am 23 and I have very bad anxiety. I first experienced anxiety when I was 14. I didn't have it that bad then. Now it is extremely bad. I can't do anything without my heart racing and not being able to breathe right. I also feel like fainting sometimes. I had it rough in April, I actually felt like fainting every day and had chest pain. I was also getting married in July until the panic attacks occurred. Now I have to wait until I am better and I don't know when that is going to happen. I feel alright some days now but I still have a problem breathing right. I find myself concentrating on my breathing. I had a hard time sleeping because of it. Any one with ideas that will help me with anxiety?
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Offline perpetualrebound

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #616 on: June 07, 2014, 03:56:30 PM »
This is a bit of a sad thread so I hoped maybe I could lighten it up a bit at my expense. The absolute funniest panic attack (if there is such a thing) happened to me about 3 years ago. I was in one of my downward spirals and having terribe health anxiety. The load at work was driving me further into myself and I was terrified that I had all kinds of stuff from stomach cancer to colon cancer to lymphoma. You name it, I had it. I finally decided to start and see if I could solve some of my ailments, one of which was a very tight throat and headaches. I finally summoned the courage to go to the chiropractor (because a doctor was too scary :sprachlos020:)

Being that it was my first visit, they ran me through the whole gamut of checks and pictures and of course the dreaded X-RAY!!!! Needless to say I was absolutley terrified. Thoughts of grimm looks from the x-ray tech and rejection of help flooded my mind. I just knew that we those pictures were developed they would announce my death sentence and send me home to write up my will.

Finally after what seemed like hours the chiropractor came over with my x-rays and put them on the screen for evaluation. I was mortified by what I saw. My neck looked like someone had smashed my head down and it bent two different ways, my back was hunched over from the protective stance I had been in for months and then the ultimate horror came true. In the exact spot where I had this strange pinchy/tingly feeling in my abdomen was a 3 inch dark black spot! I dont think I heard one other word out of the chiropractors mouth after I saw that. All my fears were confirmed!

Finally the doctor stopped talking and giving his recommendations for treatment but strangely he never mentioned the spot. I though to myself "Surely he sees that!". Then I got to thinking maybe he just didnt care. Maybe he was only concerned with my bones. Before he turned to walk away I summoned the courage to ask him about the big black spot on the x-ray. I relayed my tingly/pinchy feeling to him and my utter terror of cancer and very timidly pointed out the spot and asked him if this was cancer. With a very slight grin and tremendous bedside manner he looked and said :Oh no, it lust looks like you need to fart. That is just some trapped gas" Needless to say I relaxed on the way home and finally got rid of some trapped gas.
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Offline beautifuldisaster123

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #617 on: June 12, 2014, 03:14:21 AM »
Wow I thought I was alone in this struggle.

I'll sum it up a bit. Well I'm 16 high school senior. I'm not sure where my anxiety cam from I was always a happy little girl. I think it came from being bullied in 6th grade anyway. It started in 9th grade. I didn't want to go to school I didn't want to anything. But when my grandma died at the end of 9th grade. It became horrible. I pretty much messed up my entire year of 10 grade. When I started my new school I only went for a month then transferred to basically a bunch of independent studies. But this year has been worse. I went back to regular school. I forced myself. I wanted to be normal. I practically went a couple days every week. I have missed about half the school year. I wake up and have panic attack just becuz it's school. I still don't get why it's so bad all it is is school. It's nothing bad. But my panic attacks got worse and worse. I made myself throw and get sick to my stomache. My mom told me I wasn't trying, or I was lying. I started having panic attacks in school and started to freak out. One time in math something triggered a panic attack and my mom didn't answer her phone and I was heaving and puffing and crying and people stared at me. I didn't know what to do. I even went to the officiant hey told me I was fine and sent me on my way. Anyway I'm starting my senior year next year. I'm so terrified I barly got by this year. I push myself and push myself becuz everyone expects me to. Anyway I'm seeing a therapist. I just started going. Since I'm not in school my anxiety isn't as bad I mean it's bad but not as bad when I'm in school. I'm just wondering am I the only one that's afraid to go to school. And I'm glad that there is a website like this maybe we can all help each other no matter the age. And I hope all of you above are okay. I guess we have to find the strength to get through day to day right. Sorry for any typos by the way. I'm not very good at grammar
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Offline alexandrarodz

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #618 on: June 13, 2014, 05:41:22 PM »
A few months ago decided to go to a concert with my friends and my boyfriend. At this concert we decided we were going to take ecstasy. Well the effects hit us, then eventually wore off. Some days later I decided to smoke weed. After smoking, my heart started beating fast, and I thought I was having a heart attack, after being calmed down I realized I was just anxious. Some time later I found it difficult to breathe, I was taken to the hospital, but it was just gastritis. After those events, that's when my anxiety started occurring. I got scared for every little thing. I was anxious like this for a few months, then I started getting better. GOD helped me through this tough time. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still get anxious.
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Offline Andrew133

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Re: Personal Stories of Anxiety Disorder
« Reply #619 on: June 19, 2014, 09:04:40 PM »
I always have had some sort of social anxiety growing up. I was picked on and bullied from elementary through middle-school. and i was always afraid of people not liking me or things not going right. plus my brother has Asperger syndrome a severe for of autism, so bringing friends home was always difficult or i felt like it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to enplane it to them if something went wrong. I could never handle a relationship, every time I would talk to a girl in school or out side of school (still to this day) that it would never work. As I get older my social anxiety is starting to going away, but its still tough sometimes.

The second part is my now new experience of worrying about my health and depression.

After highschool i was kinda stuck, I knew if i went to college I would drop out at that age. So I got into an apprenticeship and started working and making money and everything was going good. than i got laid off, part of the deal with the trades i knew that. but time went by and no call for work. That's when things just started bothering me like, what im going to do with myself and how crappy a life im going to have. things that would keep me up all night just thinking. after awhile passed still no work i learned my uncle had been diagnosed with lung cancer and has spread to numerous parts of the body. After that I was worried and looked up the symptoms of various forms of cancer. Now I'm just freaked out over every little problem with my body mostly things that go on in the bathroom. I know i'm fine and dont have anything like that. but just the thought of it has me worrying about things.
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