Hi. My name is Alexis, but I often go by Alex. I just turned thirteen a few days ago and was looking forward to joining this site.
I not only have Anxiety Disorder, but I also have a Mood Disorder.
It all started when I was just eight years old. My biological father remarried and decided that he would cut off all contact and move three hours away. No matter how hard I tried: making phone calls with the help of my mother, writing letters in my messy third grade hand writing, and later attempting to find him on the internet, he didn't seem to want any memory of me. This brought on my depression, and being bullied by my classmates did not help.
I'm fairly overweight, and many of my elementary friends used that against me. I often came home in tears. My mom went up to the school a few times, but I come from a sucky school district and they didn't do anything, saying there was no evidence.
I resorted to violence to start my issues. Whenever anyone said anything to me, I retorted with harsher words and a few times, I would shove or hit at my peers.
Once, in the fifth grade, I recieved a death threat from a girl and my mother showed that to the school district and they finally did something about it.
It stopped after the fifth grade, but started again in seventh.
This was when I developed anxiety. This was when I began cutting and burning.
My so called 'friends' at the time would become silent when I walked upto them to join the conversation.
another so called 'friend' told me that girls were talking about me behind my back.
I began to get extremely paranoid that wherever I went, people were talking about me behind my back.
Whenever someone just glanced at me, in my mind, they had called me a name or said something. I started to loose contact from friends and went into isolation.
The pain of lonliness and paranoia was getting to me and I began to burn using lighters and I would sometimes finger the stove when I knew it was hot. I started cutting with razors.
My mom saw burns once and threatened to send me to a shrink, so I made sure to be extra careful to hide them.
I began writing poetry about dark things, mostly death and murder. It helped.
Sometime in November was when I got my first flow of suicidal thoughts. I was doing the dishes and my eye caught on pills. I wondered what it would be like if I swallowed the whole bottle and ended it all. If people around me would be better off. If I would be happier in death. this happened multiple times.
Soon after the suicidal thoughts came more anxiety. I began to analyze my day. Every word ever said to me. I became paranoid that even my teachers were talking about me.
I started to think about it too much, though, and brought on panic attacks. This happened a few times.
I eventually told my parents though, and on December Eighteenth, 2013, I started on Zoloft, an anti-depressent and anti-anxiety medication. A day later I saw a councelor for the first time. Her name is Ellen.
But Lately I've been having a dillema:
I told my doctor and my parents that the Zoloft was helping. And I really thought it was. I had no more panic attacks. The anxiety lessened and I began to become a little more social. The emptyness and loneliness began to go away.
And then three months after I started taking it, it stopped helping. I noticed it slowly stop helping.
Now I'm back to the way I was in social situations. I'm not getting panic attacks, thank god, but still. I'm forcing myself not to cut, but that empty feeling is still coming back.
I don't know what to do.