I'm here because for one I have social anxiety disorder (constant stomach ache from stress, panic attacks, the whole shi-bang), but sometimes I feel... insane. It's hard to explain, but for example, one night I was just lying in bed trying to fall asleep, when this feeling just came over me and I just wanted to... I felt like I was going to explode! I can't even explain it but it was this jittery expectation, i wanted to lash out, to hit something, to just get rid of that energy inside. I never felt that way before, but it was just... intense. And then today, and other times, i get so worked up about nothing, like i created a document on word for school (I'm 16 turning 17, final year of high school) and i couldn't figure out how to divide the page into sections, so i flipped out and yelled at my computer. It might not sound like much, but i'm not usually an aggressive person; that stuff doesn't usually make me angry like that. It's kinda scary, i felt so violent.
And sometimes, i'll just be sitting there, and I think... "Why the eff am I even here? Life is nothing but chemicals, reacting with each other, it doesn't mean anything". I'm not suicidal, I would never do that to the people in my life, my family, but still... I think "what if i were to fade away, just disappear into nothing. How nice would that be?" I feel so EMPTY! There's nothing holding me here, maybe i could be happy if my effing anxiety didn't stop me from making friends. I mean, I have one best friend at school, she knows about my issues and is cool with it, but she could never TRULY get what it feels like. None of them could, simple fact. If not for my mum (she's been through some 0103), i genuinely think i would, oh i don't know, overdose on sleeping pills or something. I'm not... depressed per ce, at least i don't think so. I don't WANT to die, it's not nearly as dramatic as that. I just think, what's the point of staying? Why should I wait 80 more years before i die when i could save myself the time? I'm so... calm about the idea, like it's just something i could do so casually one day. I wont. But isn't it weird that i COULD?
Why do i feel this way? Some people think there's a REASON, like we have some PURPOSE for being here. We don't. We're just chemicals. I envy them, i wish i could make a reason. I want to be normal. A kid shouldn't feel so empty, shouldn't be so aware of the world. i AM just a kid, and i want to feel like one. My mum knows a therapist, i really want to talk to them, but i have school to worry about. I want them to just drug me up so i can feel less on edge every day.
Do any of you know what i mean? I feel like no one could ever understand but it would be selfish and stupid to truly believe that. So can you tell me? That i'm not alone?