I know I've developed hypochondria because I literally make myself sick thinking something is terribly wrong with me. This past year, it's gotten really bad, and every little thing that happens with me I link it to a possible serious illness or just blow it out of proportion in my mind. Either that or something is wrong with me and I'm ignoring it. I really don't know. I'm seriously so completely terrified of seeing a doctor and I just wish I could stop thinking this way because people keep telling me that, in terms of having an illness other than anxiety, hypochondria or depression, I'm fine. So do I even need to see a doctor for anything physical? Or do I really just need to see a therapist? I'm honestly just really scared of it altogether. I just want to be normal.
Every little thing I notice on my body that feels different, or hurts, or just ANYTHING makes me panic. I went through an episode where I thought I had MS, when I'm pretty sure the symptoms I was feeling were all because of anxiety. My uncle who is a doctor laughed at me and told me it was all definitely anxiety, that MS doesn't run in our family, and that I definitely didn't have it. Then one day I realized that one of my breasts felt different from the other one, and kept thinking I had breast cancer. I looked up what a breast lump feels like and to be honest it didn't even feel anything like that in my breasts, but it was like the thoughts were stuck. It took a while before I could finally stop thinking about that, but my mom finally told me to stop panicking because nobody's breasts are symmetrical and that hers are completely different in shape and size, and she finally reassured me I was okay and didn't have breast cancer. If people give me convincing reassurance that I'm fine then I can shake it off, but when people just say, "go to the doctor, go to the doctor" it just makes me feel so much worse and more afraid.
Lately I've been noticing that when I cross my legs when I'm sitting or when I lay down or even just sitting in certain positions, I get this feeling in my toes where it feels like a string is tied around them. They don't feel numb or anything, but they just feel weird. I looked it up (I have a problem with googling things like I think many people on here do) and at least read that it seems to be common and hasn't killed anyone, but I still don't like it. I've also been panicking when getting a bruise. I got one on my leg last week and couldn't remember banging my leg or how I got it, so of course I thought it was cancer and panicked. My mom said I probably hit it in my sleep or maybe just hit it somewhere and didn't realize how hard I did so therefore that's why I didn't remember hitting it. Today, as I was in the shower, I raised my arm and realized I have this pain in my armpit like it's bruised too, and now I'm really, really, really panicking to the point where I feel sick to my stomach. That is just NOT a good place to feel pain. I'm so scared right now, thinking I have lymphoma or something. I feel like there's always SOMETHING. I keep thinking that if these stupid little things would just stop happening on my body, then I could stop thinking this way, but it's like something always comes along! But then, am I always just looking for something to panic about, is that it? Oh my god I seriously don't know.
I also find myself getting so lost in my thoughts that I almost start to believe them and then I panic thinking I'm developing schizophrenia. I even sometimes think the hypochondria is the start of schizophrenia. Everything that happens with me, I think it's because of being ill with something. I'm so sick of this! I'm so sick of thinking this way! But the "what if" way of thinking is so hard to reverse. I just hate it. Like, when I try my best to think logically, it's not possible to have cancer, MS, AND schizophrenia at the same time, and the odds of that are slim to none. So the odds are probably that I don't have any of them. But that doesn't mean I can just stop being afraid of the possibilities.
The only reasons I can think of to why I might be getting these new symptoms are because for the past few months I haven't really been out of the house much. I think this has really made the anxiety worse too, because it's given me more time to overthink things like what could be wrong with my body. I've been depressed, I fell out with my best friend this year, I've drifted away from other friends, and haven't had a job because I'm moving this summer and figured it was pointless to find one I'd have to quit. I don't see much of anyone lately. Being alone so much isn't something I'm so used to and it's making me have depression and anxiety that just gets worse and worse. I feel like I don't have anything happy to take my mind away from this right now. I feel like I'm literally going crazy being alone sometimes. From what I know, spending too much time alone can make people go a little bit out of their mind. So maybe that's where the schizophrenia fears come from...because when I'm with other people or when I think about the way things were in the past, it wasn't like this and I wasn't this bad with my thinking and overthinking. Also, from sitting around so much because I haven't been going anywhere lately, is it possible that I'm not doing any favours for my circulation and that is why I'm getting the weird toe feeling? My legs kind of do feel weird lately. Of course at first I think it could be MS, but bad circulation is probably a more likely and common cause isn't it? I'm so damn sick of having to think about this stuff, but I'm going to sign back up for the gym and exercise and hope this feeling goes away. When I'm walking, I don't feel it at all.
I just want this to stop. I'm only 20 years old and I feel like this is starting to get debilitating. I know I need to see a therapist about a lot of my issues, probably this too, though I strongly refuse to take any anti-depressants or medication. I just want to reverse this way of thinking and be happy and normal. Please, for anyone reading this...please don't just tell me to go see the doctor. Please tell me any methods or things that you might have done to help you stop thinking this way. I'm sure a lot of people on here will know more than me because I'm younger and maybe less experienced with dealing with this. Please help!