Hello all, my name is Chris and I'm 23 years old.
I've had health anxiety for as long as I can remember. I remember being 7 years old, worried about kidney disease from seeing it in a movie. Then i remember when I was like 12, I fell into a deep depression because I thought I had testicular cancer. I remember not being able to get up until like 4pm every day, and just laying there thinking death would be easier. My HA then went away for a number of years until recently.
A little over a year and a half ago I started my current job. I assist in processing medical leaves of absences and dealing with the paperwork involved. Probably like last November I became convinced I had MS, just from a pain I would have in my legs every once in a while. I started getting shooting pains in the back of my head (and sometimes up near temples, occasionally behind a eye, one-sided) almost every day that I can remember, that never seemed to follow a pattern, just random shooting/electric/dull ache type pains that would last maybe a few seconds and go away for a while. It would follow the path of the occipital nerve, and generally went unnoticed for a while, until I could use it as ammo for my MS fear. After the MS fear passed I again, started to worry about testicular cancer for whatever reason. After a few months of that passed I still had the nagging head pains.
I recently started looking into posture, and how terrible mine is. My head pains would pretty much be linked to how long I would be in front of the computer (which is my job, so 8hrs a day, also a full time student). The more time I spent in front of the computer, or in a lecture, hunched over with my head forward the more intense and frequent the pains were. I looked into Occipital Neuralgia and Upper Cross Syndrome (rounded forward shoulders, head out in front of body, chest sunk in) and felt better about it for a while. I had a good amount of the symptoms related to upper cross posture, like the occipital headaches, random tingling in a hand or down arm, tight muscles in back of neck and jaw clicking. But the fear of a brain tumor never absolutely went away, because that's what was always in the back of my mind. Bad posture and weakened, lengthened muscles would take time, exercise and a chiropractor to fix and I knew that. But I still obsessed over this pain (that seemed to be less frequent and extreme when I would pay attention to my posture). Recently my anxiety about it has gotten really bad when I expressed my concern in a joking manner to my grandparents who then said headaches aren't a super common symptom, but seeing stars and things were. So I started to obsess over my vision and almost trying to see things. After a few weeks of that I occasionally would notice dark shooting dots in my peripherals (which I admit, sometimes was a fruit fly).
The past few days have gotten really bad though. Tingling on scalp or in the face. I admit the head pains have almost been non existent the past two days (probably because I've been obsessing over my vision and twitches, which has been seemingly worse) but I still get one or two a day I think. Earlier on my lunch break I was closing my eyes tight and opening them quickly to see what I would see and I kept seeing a very noticeable white light in the middle of my vision that would last maybe a second. Full blown panic attack mode. Had to lay down and breathe. Then I saw a much smaller unmistakable one a few minutes ago while I was working, that again launched a panic attack. Now i'm pretty much convinced I have a brain tumor. I have not been to a doctor, and I admit I haven't been to one in some years. My HA involves doctors and being diagnosed with something terrible too. So I am deathly scared of them, the mention of cancer (which I swear is almost every day it seems), and I obsess over symptoms. Almost create the ones I'm looking for it seems like. I'm even scared and feeling anxious typing this because I'm scared of a reply like "Woah, that does sound abnormal, you should go see your Dr. to rule anything major out". Which would launch a 3rd panic attack of the day.
I hate this. Despite the frequency and intensity of all of the above symptoms being directly related to the severity of my anxiety and panic disorder, I am convinced I am going to die of a brain tumor soon.
Sorry for the novel, I just kind of let it all out I guess. Please just tell me how crazy I am. :/