Hi, thanks for a reply!! I'm not used to fact that someone may be actually trying to help me. Usually people act like: "It's your problem, your fault. You have to solve it on your own." That's why I'm pretty gratefull for every advice and reply, you'll give me!! :)
I think I'm cool with fact, that some people are just cruel. Last summer I was pretty depressed about that, because I was afraid of the whole world and most importantly, I was afraid, that I'll become one of those cruel people too. But one thing, that really helped me were videos from a Czech youtuber, who had pretty similar life, as I have, but with one difference - He was pretty optimistic and the way he saw life was really simple and he was doing everything without any stress. I've learned from him a lot and mostly he helped me to stop being sad about people being cruel and stupid.
I've noticed, that my problem with weird heart beat is appearing only in two cases: When I have to walk to school and when I walk in the fields. (When I walk from school, it's the same path, about a mile long and it's just okay. I've tried to walk a bit faster and it was just okay.) So I guess, that the problem is just my brain playing tricks on me. When I walk somewhere else, I don't have problems. (I'm now just afraid of PE lessons in school, because my teacher is sort of a mad man. He's able to let me run in a circles for 30 minutes. I'm afraid of dying of a heart attack, because since I know, how high my heart rate is, I'm just scared.) And also, my teacher believes, that if you stop eating for a month and you'll just drink water, all the diseases will disappear. (And he means stuff including cancer.) He always picks especially me and all he does is, that he's talking about how many people he cured from cancer and talks about himself like about some sort of hero. (I'm scared of him. I'm afraid, that he'll want to try some of his experiments on me.)
I have a few friends, but most of them are "busy", every time I ask them to go out with me. I gave up... I think, that people are just avoiding me. I stopped to trust people, including myself. Last five years was like a big rolercoaster of events and through all that time I had no idea, that the reason was anxiety. I was really young and I thought, that I'm just being stupid. I had no idea, it's an illness, that was rising inside my head.
I work on my comic mostly on weekends, about two hours before I go to sleep. It's like my happy time. And don't worry, I definitely spend more time "doing stuff" than doing comic. :)
You're definitely right, that there's something going wrong in my home. I'm 18 and I have to live with my parents and that's probably the problem. Especially my father is the personality, who needs to have control over everything around him and when he feels like something is getting out of his hands, he starts skylarking and yelling. (When my anxiety problems started to reach from brain to whole body, he started to diagnose me. First he said, that I can't go to the psychologist in any case!! But then, when he saw me being sick, he started with Schizofrenia, Epilepsy and then he added my favourite brain tumor.) My anxiety was at very high level at that moment! Then I went to psychologist and she said, that I have "just" anxiety. She gave some advices and antidepressants and it's been two months and I made a serious progress!! But back to my home problems. I'd like to tell my psychologist, that I feel bad at home and it's most likely because of my parents, but if I'd tell her, she's tell them and they'll be like: "We gave you life, we gave you home, we're feeding you, we are clothing you and in exchange, you're depressed because of us?! You're the most the most ungratefull person in the world!" (I haven't asked anyone to give me a live. I mean, is "this" is a life, if the things I saw and experienced in past 18 years are life, then I can say just: No, thanks. Not interested!)
I got a bit sick, while writing this... But the fact is, that my family is giving me a hard time. My dad is, as I described him + he always let me do his stuff at home and when I ask him for help, he sais, that he can't, because his back is painfull. (So he's just standing there and wathing me.) And my mother is a bit selfish. (She has a photo of herself as a PC wallpaper.) She always says stuff like: I'm sooo tired, I don't want to do this, I don't want to go anywhere. But when I say, I'm tired, she start to get angry: What can you possibly be tired of? Your life is not as hard as my life, shut up!!
I have to admit, that it's hard to write these things, because I think, that it's all my fault. Probably because every time, I'm trying to complain about my father's behavior, I end up with conclusion, that it's my fault. (It started, when I was about 12 years old. I asked him, why he's so hard on me and he said, it's because I'm just a miserable son.) I've had really hard times with my parents and I'm working really hard to became independant. (I admit, that I may not be the best son in the world, but at least, I don't do drugs, cigarettes or alcohol, I'm pretty decent at school and everything, my parents ask me to do, I do. I'm just ugly and anxious, that's the problem, I guess.)
Enough about my parents. Now I'd like to ask you, what do you mean by inner strenght? (In a past I've encountered with something similar. I got a message from a girl, who said, that she saw just a photo of me somewhere on the internet, but she had to contact me, because she felt something inside me.) She started to describe my personality and everything she said was extremely right. (She apparently knew all that stuff just from a photo, because she told me stuff, that I never published on a web.) At the end, she told me, that I have a strong soul. I had to say, that I haven't. And if I do, my soul must be using it's strenght against me. :D And that's why I want to ask you about that, because I've encountered with this before, but I've never learned, what exactly that means. :)