Hi everyone, I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts for only about a month now but can't seem to get back to normal..
It started when I decided to watch a real life murder story on tv and I was by myself. After it was over I started asking myself why people snap and do the things they do and if I'm capable of doing the same. Then i started having thoughts that I'm capable of hurting the people I love most and have been suffering from it ever since. I have been making myself so sick, nausea and everything. It's so upsetting because before all of this, I was so happy . I love my family and boyfriend more than anything. My boyfriend and I started talking about our future and how we want to become parents in the next couple years. Being a mom is something I've wanted more than anything. Now because of these thoughts I'm afraid to have a baby.. Am I going to have these thoughts when I have kids and am I ever going to be happy again. I feel bad for my boyfriend, like he shouldn't be with me anymore because I feel so bad. He's such a positive person. I live a good life, loving family and boyfriend. I feel like a terrible person and just don't understand why I can't shake these thoughts and remember who I was a month ago.. All I do is cry, I'm making myself so depressed.
I went through something similar when I was in high school, I watched something and it made me think too much but it only lasted for about a week or two.. I was in dance and school so I was constantly busy and eventually the thoughts went away. I looked online and came across intrusive thoughts associated with ocd and anxiety.. It's exactly what I'm going through. It's a relief that I'm not alone, but it doesn't change the fact that I had the thoughts and feel an enormous amount of guilt and sadness. I look at kids and get emotional now as well as my family.. Am I ever going to be able to look at these people the way I used to? It breaks my heart.. I'm so scared that I'll never get over this and that something is really wrong with me.. I miss the old me