After posting a whiny message, I feel I should post when things have gotten better. First, thank you all for your replies, they mean so much.
So I came to this spa (it's actually a pretty cheap little bed and breakfast sort of a place, bargain, nothing fancy) because in my big fat head I knew I needed to take a step back and allow myself to feel for a while. I was scared to come. The first two days were just dreadful. So much pain, fear, etc. But after three days of good food, exercise, massages, social interaction, hikes in the woods and other stuff, I don't feel anxious or depressed at all.
I think I needed a chance to vent some emotion. So this is sort of like medicine that tastes bad at first but makes you better. Somewhat better, at least for a little while. I really hate my anxious life back home. I would do anything to change things so I can feel OK. I live in DC, I HATE it there. I have no friends, not true, I have a few. I have an incredibly demanding job and I just keep delivering, which just builds more pressure. I to home to my empty house and just freak out from fear.
I feel like I'm running from the devil. I stay very, crazily, active. I'm scared to death of stopping because the devil will catch me. I've had some insights. I'm thinking about a very expensive inpatient program, nothing seems to work on my anxiety and depression.
So, I don't realize everyone has the means to run off to a spa for a week, but for what it's worth, it's pretty good medicine.