Day 28 was yesterday and no period. I’m scared to death it won’t come. I know day 29 doesn’t count as “late” per say. And once I got to day 32. But I’m miserable, scared, convinced I have some awful rare cancer, and not sure how I’m going to make it.
Disclaimer: GAY. No need to have the ole “do a preggo test just in case” convo – unless you can be knocked up for 18 years.
On background: This all started kinda in 2012 with brown spotting and an “OMG cervical c-word” obsession that culminated in more elective pap smears than any one woman should have in a five year span, let alone a one year span. This year, around the time for my pap, I had a major panic attack and decided I had to get in and get this test IMMEDIATELY. How’d I get a quick appointment with my insurer? I lied and told them I was spotting. (That stopped over a year ago)
Ho ho ho BAD EFFIN IDEA: Kaiser’s default for spotting is endometrial biopsy! So for the record - DON'T DO THAT *****. You'll end up having even more frightening ***** to worry about than you expected. So I ended up having a pap, HPV test AND an effin biopsy. I was a full basketcase for 10 days. During that time I read about all of the horrible things that could be related to a missed period. There actually aren’t many, but there IS a rare type of ovarian cancer that can cause it.
And that’s when this started.
It’s been four months. Each month is all about checking cervical mucous and temperatures and taking ovulation prediction tests. You would think I was trying to conceive. In reality, I’m just trying to find peace of mind that I will never get. Since April, I've had a pap, HPV, endo biopsy AND a transvaginal ultrasound, which I cooked up once I started ovary obsessing. All normal. Means nothing to me.
This month I got positive ovulation tests and my temperatures rose, though not as high as usual. I got PMS or so I thought, some back pain, but no period. I’m like WTF – what the hell has been going on with me then??
I’m beginning to feel oddly numb, yet terrorized. It’s like a placid horror. I can’t tell my partner, she’ll just be like “wait it out”. I want to jump from a bridge. Why doesn’t my body understand that I can’t go through this?????? I'm just trying to avoid going to the ER for a transvaginal again: I don't have insurance right now and it would be out of pocket. That will NOT be good.