hi, my names Rebeka.
i don't really know where to start as just talking about my feelings brings my anxiety through the roof.
just thinking of what to write here is giving me ridiculous anxiety. Ive had anxiety since i was 12 maybe... I'm currently 24 years old. Depression has always been apart of my life. (diagnosed with bi polar type 2, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, OCD and anxiety disorder)
What brought me here today is that for four years now Ive been with my partner... and its very hard for me to express my true feelings as i see them as worthless... so the other day when i had enough of crying in bed alone i just told him how i felt. even though i was angry and incredibly sad, i was spoke to him more soundly and calmly than i ever had in my life. so what needed to be said was said. So im sitting there kind of brought back on how well i told him what i needed to and i started to get dissociated (very familiar with) but this time the room started closing in and my heart started to jump in odd beats and it felt like someone was on my chest...and then it hit me... i couldn't move. and i started to panic. When i get claustrophobic i just go outside and im fine... but this... i couldn't move i couldn't stand... so i was panicking over the room closing in and also the fact that i was paralyzed from the neck down. it lasted about 4 mins... then i was able to start moving then i FREAKED out i felt SO ALONE. i was trembling and crying. i was so afraid. i held onto my partner like i was a baby sloth holding onto his mom for dear life. i was so scared. then after i stopped crying and hyperventilating i became ashamed of myself and crawled up into a ball and became like catatonic. i didn't want to move. didn't want to breath, even the thought of talking was out of the question. 20 minutes after that i was laughing at the TV. Ive NEVER had such intense emotions all combined within an hour. each emotion i felt was like EXTREME.
So... couple days pass... day to day, when i start having anxiety, i fear another panic attack. Yesterday was such an incredibly stressful day. my sons teething his back molars so hes like almost starving himself, and my daughter having a growth spurt so shes eating clock round. i kept telling myself its okay. for 4 hours i kept saying it over and over to reassure myself. when to put them both down for a nap... and a panic attack hit me again wen i was crying in the bathroom. was curled up in a ball for like 30minutes. didn't want to move. didn't want to do nothing. im so scared to become catatonic...
i love my children to bits...
i want to be the best for them.