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Author Topic: Horrific month for me, feel like I'm next. Having symptoms.  (Read 213 times)

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Offline a14

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Horrific month for me, feel like I'm next. Having symptoms.
« on: August 24, 2014, 05:36:37 PM »
I was doing well for so long, but it's all completely broken apart for me now. I'm full of terror at my immediate and far futures.

First, my best friend suddenly died this month. He was only a little older than me, in his late 20s. Perfectly healthy, then one day he had an aneurysm and died. I was already half-crazed with grief over that, then I found out that my aunt had two precancerous polyps in her colon removed, the exact kind of cancer that my mom died from. I now have TWO first-degree relatives who have (or would have had) it, meaning my predisposition is VERY high. Even after she had the polyps removed, her doctor still thinks she might have esophageal cancer and has sent her for a test. And then I found out that another one of my friends, who is only in his late 30s, has rectal cancer and is in the ICU with end-stage symptoms and probably won't last much longer. As a HA sufferer, just think of what this has done to shatter the year plus of positive thinking I've built up for myself.

And now even I'M having symptoms, real physical symptoms that won't go away no matter what I do. For the past two weeks or so, I've had a pain at a spot in my esophagus with every single swallow of food. I've been having this on and off for months, but it usually only lasted a few days and then went away on its own. It won't now. I swallow, and about 2-3 seconds later I feel this little "sting" in a specific spot right before it makes it to the bottom. I've been taking prescription strength antacids to promote healing in case it was just GERD or a wound that wouldn't heal because of exposure to acid...nothing's helping. I still refuse to google, but I can't even imagine what it would be at this point that isn't harmful......too terrified to see a doctor. I'm 26, male, in relatively good health otherwise, not fatigued or anything, extremely anxious and depressed though. I can't find a doc who will give me a prescription for anxiety meds so I asked my dad for some of his to see if the pain disappeared when I took them. It didn't. I think I'm going to lose my mind because after all that's happened it just feels like I'm next......I'm afraid to eat every day now because I don't want to feel the sensation and think about it the whole day. It's hard not to run screaming out of work and I spend all day in bed when I get home. Is there ANY way to get out of this? Any reassurance at all that something isn't wrong with me in light of the symptoms I've described? All of my gratitude to anyone who can help.....thank you all.
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Offline phony90

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Re: Horrific month for me, feel like I'm next. Having symptoms.
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2014, 07:05:10 PM »
I cannot say I have experienced the events that you have experienced, but I have had times where I felt the emotional pain that you have felt. I was at a point where I lost everything, my ability to work drive, socialize and even walk. There was no escape, I felt it all the time. I feared cancer, menieres, ect. My motivation in life was that I would someday die without a care of how painful or horrific it was. There was no escape for what I was feeling and little did I know it was anxiety. I can tell you one pill will not cure you, it takes time. If that was the case there would not be a single person suffering from PTSD, not a single person committing *****, not one person feeling pain. Depression, fear, anxiety is all apart of the human experience yet we continue because we know it wont last forever. You have experienced some very traumatic events and it wont go away in one day. I usually recommend that people see a psychologist to get there problems sorted out, but I really think you NEED to get some help or else you will lead yourself down an even darker path.
And please for god sakes keep eating!

I am without a doubt certain your symptoms you are experiencing ARE anxiety, and as I said recently taking one pill will wont eliminate the physical pain your are feeling. Pain in the esophagus is quite common with stress and anxiety and it will only worsen and persist as long as you keep that belief that it is indeed cancer. Being the bad HA that I am I have experienced many symptoms, some of which are hardly mentioned, and most of them never went away until I made an effort to accept them as anxiety over a long period. There is a way out of this but you need to work for it. Force yourself to start lifting it will get rid of tons of nervous energy you have, and meditate to understand the emotions your are feeling. The healing will only begin with acceptance.

Final Note
Do not go to a doctor for anxiety meds, they either look at you like your a junkie or they give you the first pill they can find in Google. One time a doctor gave me a pill that she claimed would help me with anxiety only to find out that it did nothing but help migraines. Go to psychiatrist (not a psychologist) and they will get you the medication you need.

Good luck, and keep in touch on this forum! Many of us have been down this road and I will help you in any way that I can.
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Pura Vida!

Offline kazoo

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Re: Horrific month for me, feel like I'm next. Having symptoms.
« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2014, 10:58:05 PM »
A picky point, but your aunt is not a first degree relative.  She is second degree; first is your parents, siblings, and children only. Also, 'precancerous' polyps are not guaranteed to ever become cancerous. They just do not know so they remove them; that's what colonoscopies are for.

That being said, I'm sorry to hear of your recent losses.  That would freak a lot of people out.  Since you have HA, you can pretty much expect to be freaked out by such news.  But, although we all know it is possible to die young, most people don't.  You've had some unpleasant reminders of your own mortality. I second the idea of seeing a counselor to get over this rough spot. 
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Offline a14

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Re: Horrific month for me, feel like I'm next. Having symptoms.
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2014, 11:46:35 PM »
I cannot say I have experienced the events that you have experienced, but I have had times where I felt the emotional pain that you have felt. I was at a point where I lost everything, my ability to work drive, socialize and even walk. There was no escape, I felt it all the time. I feared cancer, menieres, ect. My motivation in life was that I would someday die without a care of how painful or horrific it was. There was no escape for what I was feeling and little did I know it was anxiety. I can tell you one pill will not cure you, it takes time. If that was the case there would not be a single person suffering from PTSD, not a single person committing *****, not one person feeling pain. Depression, fear, anxiety is all apart of the human experience yet we continue because we know it wont last forever. You have experienced some very traumatic events and it wont go away in one day. I usually recommend that people see a psychologist to get there problems sorted out, but I really think you NEED to get some help or else you will lead yourself down an even darker path.
And please for god sakes keep eating!

I am without a doubt certain your symptoms you are experiencing ARE anxiety, and as I said recently taking one pill will wont eliminate the physical pain your are feeling. Pain in the esophagus is quite common with stress and anxiety and it will only worsen and persist as long as you keep that belief that it is indeed cancer. Being the bad HA that I am I have experienced many symptoms, some of which are hardly mentioned, and most of them never went away until I made an effort to accept them as anxiety over a long period. There is a way out of this but you need to work for it. Force yourself to start lifting it will get rid of tons of nervous energy you have, and meditate to understand the emotions your are feeling. The healing will only begin with acceptance.

Final Note
Do not go to a doctor for anxiety meds, they either look at you like your a junkie or they give you the first pill they can find in Google. One time a doctor gave me a pill that she claimed would help me with anxiety only to find out that it did nothing but help migraines. Go to psychiatrist (not a psychologist) and they will get you the medication you need.

Good luck, and keep in touch on this forum! Many of us have been down this road and I will help you in any way that I can.

I can't thank you enough for this post. I've come and gone from this community over the years as I have my good and bad times, but there never fails to be people who are willing to look past their own anxieties to offer me help whenever I need it. I know you must be suffering with your own fears, and yet you're able to encourage me and offer insight on how to defeat my anxieties.

I am strongly considering seeing a psychologist as this is beginning to impact my quality of life severely. I tried the doctor route in the past, but like you said, I was accused by my own doctor of faking my anxiety to get a benzo prescription like I was some kind of addict. A pill is not an ultimate answer, but medication exists to help in some capacity nonetheless.....it can be the bridge between mental illness and wellness if used appropriately.

I thank you for the reassurance that my esophageal problems are not anything dangerous. I am only concerned because they are persistent...but yes, it is something I obsess about, and I know from previous HA bouts that my mind can create physical symptoms out of thin air. Our brains love to undermine us for some reason. I will try to fight through each day telling myself that my anxiety is deceiving me until I can get the help that I need.


A picky point, but your aunt is not a first degree relative.  She is second degree; first is your parents, siblings, and children only. Also, 'precancerous' polyps are not guaranteed to ever become cancerous. They just do not know so they remove them; that's what colonoscopies are for.

That being said, I'm sorry to hear of your recent losses.  That would freak a lot of people out.  Since you have HA, you can pretty much expect to be freaked out by such news.  But, although we all know it is possible to die young, most people don't.  You've had some unpleasant reminders of your own mortality. I second the idea of seeing a counselor to get over this rough spot.

Thank you for the clarification. I was not sure if I was using the term "first degree" correctly, but I am so close with her that it is hard to think of her in terms other than immediate relative. I am very thankful that her polyps were removed while they were still benign, however the fact that she may have esophageal cancer in spite of this victory saddens me. She told me that her doctor theorizes that it was due to a lifelong smoking habit, so it may not be as "random" as my mother's colon cancer was. I am still terrified for my aunt. I am only 26 but already had my first colonoscopy last year (mostly due to my worst  HA bout ever) and will continue to have them every so many years.

I am considering seeking counseling as, like you say, all of this unpleasant news has done horrible things to my HA, and I myself am now manifesting symptoms because of it. I sincerely hope and pray that this is all temporary and I can return to a healthy state of mind soon in spite of everything.
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