Hi . . .
Welcome to the forum . . . you have had quite a few traumatic experiences from a very early age and it is no wonder that you are feeling the way you do . . .
I am not a medical professional so I cannot diagnose or even make recommendations but I will ask you to consider some things and to make sure you know that you are welcome here at any time . . .we may not be able to solve your problem (most of us are still working on our own) but we will share what has worked for us . . . ultimately, though, you need to decide what you will do and we most certainly will support you whatever the decision . . .
1. I don't know but I would suggest that you try to hook up with some professional counselling. You are trying to start a journey out of anxiety which started when you were so very young with an abusive father and several deaths of people to whom you were close. When we are young, we often do not have the intellectual coping mechanisms to process traumatic psychological and emotional experiences. So, if you can, you need someone to guide you through the process. It may not be the easiest process (and it is a process and not an event), but once you start the journey, each little step forward will bring you added strength which you have already shown that you have for coming here to this forum.
2. In a way, the relationship that you had with your father was relived with your boyfriend. . . .and this is not unusual. Your boyfriend seemed to have sensed that you needed someone to rely on and I am guessing that he used that to manipulate your emotions and probably allowed him to play the field. You deserve better. You deserve a boyfriend who is faithful to you. If he cannot make a commitment that is more than on and off so he can get what he wants, then he is not a boyfriend . . . . he is simply someone who knows how to push your buttons . . . and, again, you deserve better than an abusive situation to be repeated. Yep, it is difficult because you had a comfort zone with him even if the comfort zone was damaging to your spirit and change is always difficult, but, again, you are worth it . . .
3. We all need support but if the support comes at a price, then it is not support. So, I would suggest that you consider whether he was supporting you because of you or whether he figured you would think that you owed him.
4. Often in these situations, our self confidence and self esteem never develops or becomes damaged so we think that we have no value unless we are with someone. That's not true. You have great value. You have weathered immense difficulties, but you can use that strength that is deep down to help you manage your anxiety. You do it in very small steps recognizing that there is often speedbumps that set us back, but we do pick ourselves up and move on . . .
From what you tell me, you are feeling alone with your anxiety and you need to start to build up your management techniques. If you cannot see a trained professional, then scan these postings: many of us find great support in practicing mindfulness or changing our lifestyles (especially exercise which does wonders for anxiety for most people); others consult with a doctor and may use prescription medications for a while as a bridge and others use them more long term. We are all unique in our experiences and our needs but the one thing that we share in common on this forum is a welcoming attitude to anyone who is suffering from anxiety because we have all been there and we are all on different personal journeys to recover and manage it.
Please know that you are more than welcome to come here and post . . .we will do our best to support you . . . even if you just want to come by and use us to get your thoughts out on paper (this technique is also very helpful because then these thoughts get out of your mind and you can deal with them better --- I found this helped me a lot) . . . . or even to say hi and to let us know how you are doing . . . know that we are not here to judge anyone else (none of us has that focus) but also know that we so understand how you are feeling but there is the journey back and you have taken the biggest step by coming here . . . take care, kc