For those of you feeling AFRAID OF BEING ALIVE:
The way I feel when I feel like I'm afraid / don't want life itself is an illusion.
I'll try to break it down.
1.) I deep thought about life's existence, and I felt fake and scared, and I felt like life was pointless.
2.) I felt nervous and scared because of this feeling.
3.) Every day I thought about these thoughts, and more anxiety came.
4.) Everywhere I went, my thoughts about how life itself was pointless and scary followed me.
5.) I began to associate my very presence in this world WITH that panicky feeling.
6.) I feel panic out of nowhere and I assume that I don't want to live anymore and that I am anxious about being alive.
I am not anxious about being alive. I feel anxious because I associate life WITH this feeling. It goes away when I'm distracted because I don't get the chance to sit back and think about all of this. I feel like I have "something" to worry about because in the back of my mind, I still associate life with the anxiety.
At times I feel totally overwhelmed because I think how "my whole life is being questioned" when in reality, it's only my thoughts.
I also feel like when I feel okay for a while, I shouldn't feel okay because I know that I have anxiety to worry about, and I know that I thought that life was pointless in the past.
But again, I just keep reminding myself that all of this is just a feeling, and it is just anxiety.
My strategy is to continue to distract myself (I felt absolutely fantastic for 5 days straight at camp) and to NOT deep think about my anxiety feelings. I need to accept that they are there, but not put stock into them. If I feel like life is scary and pointless, and I feel anxious "living" I just need to remind myself that it is only anxiety.