relocation anxiety

[marie]

hello,
my story is probably not as bad as some, but for some reason, i am really affected by it.  i can't eat, sleep, breathe right or think straight.  my arms and hands feel tingly and I feel like nothing is helping.  i should also mention i'm on medication for migraines, stomach spasms and a mild anti-depressant - all caused by stress.

i've been with my boyfriend for about 6 years.  within that time, i have done everything possible to stick with him and whenever he moved around, i was there with him.  we live in a small town - that we both have always wanted to get away from - but we live there together right now.  we have always planned on leaving, but for the past 3 years he has been working for his family and won't even think of moving.  i am a designer and b/c the town is so small, i could never find work.  i finally found a great job about 30 minutes away.  i've been there almost a year and they have already promoted me twice.  they treat me great and i absolutely love working there. 

so they told me recently that we were moving the business to the "big city" a little over an hour away.  i don't want to lose this job.  if i do, i will be stuck in this small town forever.  this is a great opportunity for me.  here's the problem:  my boyfriend hates the idea of me leaving and told me today that we will break up if i move closer to the city.  i have even asked him to move halfway and we could live together and both drive a little longer to work... and he said he would hate that and doesn't want to move b/c he's not paying rent where he's at now and his friends won't come to visit.  he doesn't want to put ANY effort into this and he's making this relocation situation even harder on me.  i feel so alone and he's telling me that if i leave, seeing me once during the week and on the weekends wouldn't be good enough. 

i'm already freaking out b/c i have to find a place NOW and he's not budging.  i feel like it's my fault that we're breaking up, but if i didn't move and keep this job, i would regret it forever.  things have always been shaky b/c of his attitude, but i've always worked really hard to stay with him.  i feel like if i don't make 100% of the effort, our relationship will be over.  now that i need him to work with me, he's totally against it.  i don't know what to do.... everyday i feel worse and the guy i've been with for years and is supposed to love me and want the best for me told me he could care less about my job, is disappointed in me, and that i'm not putting him as top priority... "so i can f*ck off."  those were his exact words.

what do i do from here?  any comments would be appreciated.

[apple]

Well sounds like your really in a pickle.  I tell you what I think and remember its only my opinion and advice...the decision is your and yours alone to make.

Starters, when you truly Love someone you want them to be happy and fulfill their dreams.  When a couple gets together and decide to be together in life, they make compromises...sounds like this guys friends are on his A list when it should be you.  And if he wants to stay somewhere because it is free then he isn't very responsible, and I don't think he's ready for life with a spouse.

I feel that if you give up this opportunity..you will get bitter and blame him for it.  This guy doesn't sound committed to you...what if you stay and it falls apart anyway?  Then you are stuck in this place your whole life for a guy who didn't love you in the first place.


6 years is a long time to be with someone...your invested in him, but it sounds like he's not invested in you.  What is a short drive anyway?

I think you should take the risk...if he does love you he will come around and join you.  If he doesn't,,there is a man out there that will respect you, put you on top of the list and compromise with you just as you would do.  Dont shortchange yourself and settle.  Too many people do this and the divorse rate is so high because people settle.  If he's willing to break up with you so you can move up in the world is he really worth everything you do?

Whatever you choose...make sure it is something you can live with without regret. 

Oh and one more thing...Its not your fault if you do this and he backs out.  You should not have to put your dreams to bed for any man!!!  My friend missed out on life for 18 years to work her 0104 off for her relationship.  You should not have to work that hard for it.  Love hurts But TRUE LOVE DOESNT!!

Good luck to you

[PEACEMAN]

hello,
my story is probably not as bad as some, but for some reason, i am really affected by it.  i can't eat, sleep, breathe right or think straight.  my arms and hands feel tingly and I feel like nothing is helping.  i should also mention i'm on medication for migraines, stomach spasms and a mild anti-depressant - all caused by stress.

i've been with my boyfriend for about 6 years.  within that time, i have done everything possible to stick with him and whenever he moved around, i was there with him.  we live in a small town - that we both have always wanted to get away from - but we live there together right now.  we have always planned on leaving, but for the past 3 years he has been working for his family and won't even think of moving.  i am a designer and b/c the town is so small, i could never find work.  i finally found a great job about 30 minutes away.  i've been there almost a year and they have already promoted me twice.  they treat me great and i absolutely love working there. 

so they told me recently that we were moving the business to the "big city" a little over an hour away.  i don't want to lose this job.  if i do, i will be stuck in this small town forever.  this is a great opportunity for me.  here's the problem:  my boyfriend hates the idea of me leaving and told me today that we will break up if i move closer to the city.  i have even asked him to move halfway and we could live together and both drive a little longer to work... and he said he would hate that and doesn't want to move b/c he's not paying rent where he's at now and his friends won't come to visit.  he doesn't want to put ANY effort into this and he's making this relocation situation even harder on me.  i feel so alone and he's telling me that if i leave, seeing me once during the week and on the weekends wouldn't be good enough. 

i'm already freaking out b/c i have to find a place NOW and he's not budging.  i feel like it's my fault that we're breaking up, but if i didn't move and keep this job, i would regret it forever.  things have always been shaky b/c of his attitude, but i've always worked really hard to stay with him.  i feel like if i don't make 100% of the effort, our relationship will be over.  now that i need him to work with me, he's totally against it.  i don't know what to do.... everyday i feel worse and the guy i've been with for years and is supposed to love me and want the best for me told me he could care less about my job, is disappointed in me, and that i'm not putting him as top priority... "so i can f*ck off."  those were his exact words.

what do i do from here?  any comments would be appreciated.

HI, SOUNDS LIKE THIS IS A VERY ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY PARTNER NOW FOR 16 YEARS SINCE WE WERE 16 INFACT AND YOU CAN CALL ME A ROMANTIC FOOL BUT OUR LIVES REVOLVE AROUND EACH OTHER, IT IS THE CLOSEST THING TO TRUE LOVE I CAN IMAGINE EXISTS IN THIS WORLD. HOWEVER WE ARE NOT PERFECT EITHER AS WE BOTH SUFFER FROM VARYING DEGREES OF ANXIETY, MINE IS VERY ACUTE AND I HAVE HAD A HARD 5 YEARS GETTING TO GRIPS WITH THIS. I GUESS MY POINT IS THAT IF IT IS LOVE YOU SHARE BETWEEN YOU THEN THERE HAS TO BE SOME MATURE MIDDLE GROUND IN EVERYTHING YOU DO. YOU HAVE TO MAKE SACRIFICES FOR EACH OTHER BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT EACH OTHERS WELL BEING AND FUTURE HEALTH ETC..I SUPPOSE ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER ALWAYS FEELS THEY DO MOST OF THE WORK IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND I GUESS I FEEL THATS ME IN OUR SITUATION WHICH CAN HURT SOMETIMES BUT TREATING YOU LIKE THIS IS NOT A GOOD INDICATION OF LOVE AND AFFECTION. IF YOU HAVE ALWAYS STUCK BY HIM THEN BELIEVE ME ITS HIS TURN TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. RELATIONSHIPS OVER YEARS CAN BECOME VERY CODEPENDANT AND I DO FIND THAT MIND GAMES CAN OCCUR FROM THE MORE INSECURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP TO TRY AND MAKE YOU DO WHAT THEY WANT ALL THE TIME, IN MY EXPERIENCE I HAVE FOUND THAT THE KIND OF THREATS YOU ARE GETTING ARE USUALLY JUST FROM INSECURITYS AND PANIC OF CHANGEAND AREN'T REAL THREATS. YOU HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF WHOEVER YOU LIVE WITH AND ALTHOUGH ITS VERY HARD WHEN YOU'VE BEEN WITH SOMEONE FOR ALONG TIME TO MAKE HARD DECISIONS WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY THEY SHOULD BE FOLLOWED THROUGH-ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS TO DO WITH A CAREER WHICH MAKES YOU HAPPY, HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN SAY THEY ENJOY THEIR JOB- I CAN'T. ULTIMATELY YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER AND I DONT BUT IF HE IS QUITE HAPPY TO SPLIT WITH YOU OVER MINOR DETAILS LIKE DISTANCE AND HIS FRIENDS WITHOUT EVEN HESITIATING TO SEE THIS FROM YOUR ANGLE THEN THERE ISN'T A LOT OF LOVE THERE . LIFES TOO SHORT TO BE EMOTIONALLY BLACK MAILED AND TRUE LOVE WILL CONQER JUST ABOUT ANYTHING. GOOD LUCK.
P-S - I HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE CONTROLLING MY BREATHING AND HAVE FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS ON AND OFF IN STRESSFUL TIMES, THERE ARE ALOT OF GREAT TAPES AND BOOKS WHICH CAN TEACH YOU TO PUT THIS RIGHT AND THERE ARE GREAT TECHNIQUES FOR RELAXING, WHEN YOU'VE MASTERED THESE YOU'LL FEEL IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AGAIN, THE TINGLING IS JUST SYMPTOMS OF ANXIETY, SOMETIMES MY ARM GOES COMPLETELY DEAD AND MY CHEST GETS HEAVY, ALL SIGNS OF HEART PROBLEMS BUT ITS JUST ANXIETY RELATED STUFF NOTHING LIFE THREATENING.
GILLIAN BUTLER IS GREAT FOR ALL THINGS RELATED TO STRESS, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.
PEACEMAN .