Hopeless.

[SayAnything]

Hi, I'm Leslie & I'm a freshman in highschool. 

Wellll, we all know how this story goes, right?  I've always been known as 'the shy girl' or 'the girl who never talks' & of course I was voted 'Most Quietest' in my 8th grade class last year.  & for as long as I can remember, I've never really been the same as everyone else.  I've always been the one that just kind of stood by and watched instead of joining in.  I'm horrible at talking to people.  I never know what to say.  Even with my closest friends, sometimes.  I always feel like other people notice that I'm nervous.  That's the worst part for me.  And when I go to read stuff in front of class or something (which I pretty much always avoid if I can in any way possible), I tremble sooo bad.  My voice gets shaky, and I get all sweaty, my fingers go numb sometimes, I feel sick to my stomach, & I get real short of breath.  I've been like this for a long time.  But about 4 years ago it got a whole lot worse.  Probably because that was the year I entered middle school.  And because my long-term best friend ditched me for some volleyball players.

But just almost a year ago I got diagnosed with SAD and now I'm taking pills for it and I started therapy about four months ago.  You'd think that this would have atleast SOME affect on the situation.  But it hasn't.  It's helped for my depression some, but as far as the anxiety goes, I'm just as bad as I ever was.  I've changed medicine like three times because my counselor wanted me to. 

So I'm pretty much beginning to think it's just me.  Like, I'm just incurable and I'm never going to feel okay again.  My counselor says that I'll probably never be 'out going'.  & that I'll probably have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  I'm sure lots of you guys have heard that before, though.  Anyways, I know I should be trying harder to get better and you know... put myself out there a little more.  But I just can't make myself!  I just feel like I've had enough bad experiences trying, & that I don't need to try anymore, because it's just going to be the same everytime I do.  & I know it's true.  That's why I can't make myself do anything else, I guess.

I need to hear some success stories or something.  To give me some hope that maybe I can get through it.  I need to hear how you guys cope. 

I feel like I'm just a hopeless cause.  Someone PLEASE tell me that I'm not.

[apple]

I dont believe anyone is a lost cause, unless they choose to be...and you just writting here is proof you are not one of them!! :)

I suffer from seasonal, GAD and panic.  I am not cured but I am way better now than I ever was.  Are you doing any cognative behavior therapy?  That was the most useful thing I did.  It helps you look at the way you think about things and situations...then retrain yourself to think differently, better perspective and more reasonably.

I'm sorry I cant relate to shyness...but I do understand wanting to keep to myself when things are tough.

The crappy thing about meds is that sometimes it takes many different ones to see what works.  It took me years, not to put a damper on things but if you give up trying you will never feel better.

What meds have you been on?  I have a chart in the "medications and Therapy" section of this forum called  "Medication Table-different groups". Its on the second page.  Here it shows that meds work on different parts of the brain.  Sometimes you can be on many of the same type of med and they all dont work, and that is because you need to try a different group of meds.  You could print it up and take it to your doctor, talkn to you Mom too.

You may not be out there partying but you can get to a point where you are not physically suffering when in those situations.

Hope things get better :love:

[SayAnything]

Hey Apple, Thanks for replying!  & I appreciate you saying that I'm not a hopeless cause  :]] 

I guess I just need to accept the fact that if I ever want to get better, than I have to try.  & I also have to accept that it's not going to be easy and it's probably going to be slow.  Which is kindof hard to do.  But it's good to hear that you've been doing better with your situation.

& you asked me what meds I've taken... Well, I started out on Paxil but I gained a lot of weight and it was making me tired & I guess it was just more trouble than it was worth.  So I switched to Lexapro.  It didn't really do much of anything.  So now I'm on Wellbutrin, Zoloft, & birth control.  My phsyciatrist requires all the teenage girls that she sees to take birth control.  Which I think is ridiculous... but maybe I'm wrong.  Anyways, this combination is working okay.  I'm not real sleepy like I was on the other medicines, and my depression hasn't been as bad.  But when I first started taking Wellbutrin, I was really paranoid and I couldn't sleep.  But since I've been on Zoloft+BC with it, I've been normal. 

& I'll check out that chart, it sounds helpful.


Thanks again :)

[Kitty_]

Hi Leslie!

 It's great to know that I'm the only freshman with SAD!

      I remember in 6th grade I asked myself "Is it normal not being able to breath?" every time I walked in for lunch at school. I've even been asked why I was so quiet (twice!) Middle school freaked the hell out of me, there were roomfulls of kids I didn't know and in every one of my classes I didn't have one friend. I absolutely dreaded speaches, after the class left I burst into tears because it was... so terrifying.

       And now, first (...er...second) of all,What the heck kind of a consulor says you'll never be outgoing?!?! I understand if a doctor says "I'm sorry, you'll never walk again" if a guy gets his lets cut off (well... they could always invent machine legs, but I diggress.) Please tell me he isn't your pyschologist, because it's not even a valid statement, and you deseave much better than that.

     I've been cured (or as much as I need to be) of my OCD through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I tried that with my SAD too, and it failed miserably. It's not ta I wan't trying, there was nothing I wanted more than too be free of my SAD, and, as I thought, to be happy.

    My Pyscholgist said one day that CBT just wasn't working. He was right, although I did things I never did before I still couldn't do what I wanted.  So, we started trying a different therpy, Acceptance and Commitment therapy.

     Now I do more of what I want and I'd say my life is happier... I guess just a diifferent perspective on life.  I still have SAD and I still freaked about the first day (well, everyone does) I not completely done with the program yet though... still more than half left yet.

      Anyway, I hope that I've helped you by writing any of this, and if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

Best Wishes,
           Kitty_

[Emily]

Errrrrr.. Paxil made me gain weight too! 50lbs! I was cute and had clear skin before that evil drug! LOL.. But seriously, your story kind of touched my heart because I know how it feels to be lost and feel hopeless.. Hang in there sweetie! Life will only get better.. I've never really been shy, but I agree with Kitty on that whole Doctors should NOT be telling you that you will never be outgoing! EFF that! You are on here talking to all of us about it aren't you? That's a HUGE step! Ok, I just fell asleep on my key board.. I'll check back in with you later on.. Maybe talking with all of us will help? I LOVE having "my people" here! They are the only ones that GET me.. I feel like belonging to this forum has helped more than the therapy I pay for: ) Take care sweets!

Emily

[purplerain210]

I have heaps of sympathy 'cos you are stuck where I was for so many years....
We learn it....from family, from friends, from our (perceived) failed experiences
I would like to pass on something I read a couple of years ago and it made a huge impact on me at the time:

THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH YOU
IS YOUR BELIEF
THAT THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU
 
I would like you to think about that deeply.

Its just a thought...one you can either continue to accept that thought
of get mad and reject it