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Author Topic: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.  (Read 391 times)

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Offline alicat22

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Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« on: July 21, 2014, 07:41:17 PM »
So my daughter is going off to college in NYC in a few weeks. (We live about an hour away). She wants me to come to move her into her dorm, and I want to see where she is living. But I have been having a really hard time traveling lately. NYC is not an easy place for e..too big, too tall, very overwhelming. I'd probably be ok if I could get dropped off at her building and picked up there, but move in day is pretty chaotic from what I hear and security tells you where you have to park (which might not be near her building) and I'd have to get dumped on the street to stay with the stuff while my husband finds a parking garage blocks away. Then once I get her in, I'd have to walk to where ever the car was parked. Even if he got the car to pick me up, security doesn't let you back on the block. I feel like the worst mom and the biggest loser. Anyone else ever been in this situation?? I am so upset and haven't even told her yet that I probably can't make it.
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Offline kimjai08

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2014, 07:54:34 PM »
I totally understand where you are coming from.  There have been times I have had to have my dad drive my daughter down the street to school because I was afraid.  That being said I feel much better about myself when I force myself to go.  She will only go to college once and I think you will totally regret not going.  You can do it! Just remember the anticipation is ALWAYS worse than the actual event.
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Offline alicat22

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2014, 08:23:48 PM »
Thanks for your quick reply Kim. You're right, after 35 years of panic attacks you would think I'd already know that the anticipation is ALWAYS worse than the actual event! It is so true. Not sure why we like to torture ourselves first! ;*) It is the feeling of not having things under my control and being told where I can go or park, etc. I just don;t want to ruin her day by everyone having to work around me instead of it being about her.
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Offline brittanyborg

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2014, 12:35:28 PM »
I'm not a parent (but I am a daughter). I started University this past fall and I know how much it meant to me that my mom was there with me to move me in. It's such a milestone in life and for someone who doesn't even have anxiety it can be an extremely anxious and nervous day so I completely understand why you're in a panic about it. I think that maybe you should try expressing your concerns to your daughter and husband so at least they know how you're feeling - the best people to talk to about it in this situation would be them. I think if they know then they can better help to accommodate you on the actually day (by not leaving you totally alone).

To be completely honest, move in day is extremely hectic! But I almost think that's a good thing in this situation. You will be so busy helping your daughter that it should help take your mind off of your worries. If you focus 110% of yourself to your daughter for one day and make sure that her day goes as smoothly as possible I'd be willingly to bet that it would help you forget about being panicked. The best thing to do is preoccupy yourself so that you don't even have time to worry. I'm sure you'll be in and out before you even have a chance to let it cross your mind.

Talk to your family about how you're feeling. I definitely think you should attend move in day, it's a once in a lifetime experience and I know how much it means to have your parents there with you.
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Offline alicat22

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2014, 09:05:55 PM »
So it is now a couple of days away, and I still don't thank I can do this. When I told my daughter a couple of weeks ago that I might not be able to come, she said it was OK and that she understood. I came to grips with my decision and felt ok with it, especially since she was ok. My anxiety level went down to almost normal and although I was till disappointed, I accepted my decision. Even my therapist seemed to think I was making the best choice since it is a very hectic day and we are in the middle of NYC and the situation is very unpredictable. The other day, when brought up again, my daughter seemed upset by it... not with me but the situation. She even said "Why won't those security people let you go??" referring to security not letting me be able to enter the street where the building is, or be able to be picked up there. Seeing a child off to college and leaving the nest is hard enough, let alone adding panic/anxiety disorders t magnify all the feelings by 1000. A friend said to me the other day, "You're a great mother, and this is just something that comes along with the package!" Do any other parents miss out on milestones/occasions??  Thanks for listening.  :(
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Offline kimjai08

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2014, 10:17:39 PM »
Hi! If you look at what you wrote...you are blaming the situation.  There is nothing wrong with the  street or parking it's you making excuses.  I am not trying to be mean at all but trying to make you see you can do this.  Other people will be doing it and there is nothing wrong with you!  You can do this! I really feel you will regret not going but will be so glad you did if you do! Go for it!  I'm rooting for you!
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Offline alicat22

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2014, 03:38:47 AM »
Wow..that was harsh. I get what you're saying and appreciate your point of view but to say that an agoraphobic is just making excuses is a bit simplistic and somewhat insensative. It should be so easy. That is the magic cure agoraphobes...stop making excuses and get out there...which sounds like the advice from people who have never experienced panic (which i assume you have) but as we know-its more complex. If only.
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Offline alicat22

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2014, 08:10:28 AM »
To add another thought... I was not making excuses or blaming anyone. I was simply stating the parts of the day that would be problematic to me and might make me panic. The only one I'm blaming is myself or did you not read "the worst mom and loser" part. ???
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Offline kimjai08

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2014, 09:26:28 PM »
I am totally sorry if I offended you!  If anyone "gets" being agoraphobic I can promise you I do.  I have suffered since I was 14 and am now 42.  So I definately have had some rough times and suffer with anxiety every day of my life since I don't take meds.  That being said, I recently went to an outpatient group clinic for anxiety disorders and that is pretty much what they overall teach you.  That at the end of the day it's not surrounding influences that causes your anxiety...you do.  Believe me I know it's a nightmare and I don't want you to feel bad. We do that to ourselves enough!  I was just trying to encourage you to go for it!  What's the worst that can happen?
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Offline Julie A. Cook

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2014, 02:43:29 PM »
Alica, I understand your fear.  I went through this when my daughter was moving into Penn...another big city school.

I know how frightened you are.  I have been there many times this year and am still strugling, but I am gutting things out better by staying in the present moment.   Also, it helps me to say to myself, come on fear, give me all you got!

I think you can do this.  I certainly wish you the best of luck, girlfriend.

Best regards,

Julie
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Offline alicat22

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2014, 04:33:30 PM »
Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement! No hard feelings kimjai. I have been a bit emotional lately  :spineyes: :spineyes: Tomorrow is the big day. My daughter said it would be fine if I don't go. I will make up my mind in the morning. We left a seat in the car uncluttered with boxes just in case! I have made peace with it either way. Thanks again for the support.
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Offline kimjai08

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2014, 06:36:45 PM »
Alicat.....Did you go or no?  Either way how are you feeling about it?  I've been thinking about you and hope all is well!
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Offline alicat22

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2014, 09:13:19 PM »
I chose not to go kimjai. My daughter and I spoke last night about it and she was totally fine and told me I was still the best mom. Her move in went smoothly with her father and brother's help. I still felt bad about it but I think a big part was just the normal child leaving the nest heartache. She was very excited to go and not nervous or upset so that made me feel better. Thank you for asking! And thanks for all the support from everyone.
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Offline kimjai08

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Re: Parents? Can't take my daughter to school.
« Reply #13 on: August 18, 2014, 10:42:54 PM »
Glad that everything turned out okay!! :happy0151:
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