The Crash

[IhparesAngelofDeth]

I have tried to tell myself that I'm not depressed, but it's starting to seem like I am after all. I cry a lot. I'm often lonely, to the point where I always chase my boyfriend around trying to make him give me attention and stay at my house. I bought a hamster and two rats to alleviate some of my loneliness; I'm an animal lover and my pets sometimes are the only reason I will stop thinking about 0669. No one would love them like me. I just feel like crap--all the time. Even when I am doing something that I used to love so much it was insane. Nothing but food and sleep really interest me anymore. (I'm even crying now) I've been called emo and told that my life isn't that bad and that others are worse off then me. I know, but I am so sad and empty inside at this point that I just can't explain the desolation that is gnawing away my soul to anyone. 
    I have been thinking about 0119 a lot lately. I feel that I have a morbid and growing obsession,I guess, with death in general. Now I think about jumping into traffic or getting in a car crash or worse. Then yesterday, my grandma was driving me to work and we crashed in the rain. We hit in front twice and were rear-ended. I was terrified. I realized my own mortality last night and I was even more frightened. I started crying. I feel so guilty that I was wishing for a swift death via any means, a car crash being one, and now my grandma can barely speak or move, she's home, and they expect her to get better in week or so. I am just really sore, very stiff, my right arm doesn't want to bend much.
    I feel like the accident was my fault, not only because I was late, but because I was wishing for death. The EMTs told me it was a good thing I was with her because she wasn't able to tell them anything, I told them. I guess they have point, but I still feel very guilty. I feel like her injuries are my fault.  I'm convinced of it, actually.
    I feel even more despondent than usual, but every time I try to tell someone, my grandma or my mom, they don't understand why I should have any reason to be sad or lonely or depressed or suicidal. They don't know that I have wanted to 0473 for about a month. No one in my family does, except my aunt. Now my feelings are even worse, and I think I am about to quit my job(especially since I have no way there now{I can't drive}) and just stay home until I go back to college. I try not to be depressed, not to let the stupid little things in life get to me, but every little thing seems to be my fault. I can't seem to stay happy about anything in my life. I sometimes think I am bored, but then I go find something to snack on and stare at t.v. for awhile. It's not getting better, I have no way to get help, and no one thinks i need any. I don't know if I am going crazy or if I am sick or if it's all in my head or maybe I'm just F***ed up and need slapped. I don't know.
   All I do know is that I wish this dark black sadness that's boring a hole into my soul and slowly killing me. I don't know what I should do. I can't drive anywhere, I can't seem to make myself happy, and no one else seems to notice that anything is wrong. I
    If anyone has any advice, any at all, then I would appreciate it. I'm lost, and no one knows that either. I feel alone, but I'm surrounded and trapped. This is my cry to the world at large for help, I hope someone answers.

[apple]

Uwh hunny I truely understand your dispair    I was a manic depressant in my younger years.  And your right, no matter how you try to tell people how hopeless you feel they just dont see how it is possible.  I too thought of ways to off myself and even tried once...well I wanted to but deep down I just wanted someone to help me, and when I did that no one helped me still??

Your feeling guilty about your grandma is truely not your fault, it would have happened whether you thought of dieing or not.  Your life was obviously important for her at that time.

Are you able to talk to a doctor?  or a councellor who could guide you to someone who can guide you to one?  Depression is a physical thing...the chemicals in your brain are not functioning properly, its a medical disorder that CAN be fixed!!  :love:

I have not had a suisidal thought in 11 years (since I was 20).  Medication helped me, altho I had to try several kinds to find the right one for me.  I want you to know that the lonely, empty feeling can go away and you can get back to enjoying life again, you just need help.

Please let me know how you do, ask anything you need to and I will try to be here for you.

Apple

[itsmeesindee]

I totally agree with Apple none of this is your fault.  When chemicals don't work right in your brain and become unbalance you can have a lot of your symptoms.  But medications can work wonders.  If you have no means to go to a councelor or a doctor, just go to the emergency room I am sure they could tell you more about places where you can get some help. 

Trust me 0119 is not the answer, it is very devestating to everyone around you.  My best friend killed herself 10 years ago and it totally wrecked her family and friends.  It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and a very selfish act. 

If you do not have health insurance there maybe mental health clinics in your town where you pay on a sliding scale.  If not the hospital must treat you whether you have insurance or not.  If you are extremely depressed an suicidal, you may want to go inpatient for a few days just to get the help that you need.

I really hope that you are feeling better soon and you find some help.  Life it meant to enjoy and with a little help you can enjoy yours too.

Cin