I don't know how to start this. I'm two clonazepam deep, and I'm about to take another one... my last one. I'm sick of them. I find no sense of closure to what is going on with me. I don't want to be in the situation I'm in. I've got so many ends to tie and I'm all out of string at this point. I go on motorcycle rides to find my escape, but my worry is slowly taking over that.
Upon starting my new job I was let go from my previous job at the end of the pay period... I didn't start my new job for two weeks following that. I got screwed big time. My savings I thought was perfect for an emergency fund only gave me a life raft with no oars. I've got collection agencies calling me over something that happened forever ago.. I've got two more things going to collections, one in which is $1,500. I can't find a home to move into... the home I live in now with my parents and my girlfriend are overbearing to me. Makes me SICK to my stomach. I'm a hard working individual and I hold my own, but when I come "home" I just wish it was a place of peace and privacy, but it's not... It's tough. Oh well. Woh is me. Pity me. I'm not looking for pity. I'm just making a primary source of what's really going on with my life.
I want freed from these chains of why I'm constantly worried about everything. I am vulnerable on so many levels and there is not one single thing I can think of that can free me from this.
I spent $140 at the bar a couple of nights ago and got completely trashed, and yet I didn't feel any relief.. I woke up the next morning and cried. Why Is this happening to me?
I don't feel any relief from my medication, Only horrible dreams when I run out of it... And tomorrow will be the start of that because I'm about to take my last one and I'm going to go for a long motorcycle ride.. to the middle of nowhere because if I can't leave my troubles behind then there's not much else I can do.
Never have I ever shown so much embarrassment in my life than I am right now. I'm crying. I'm a grown ass man and I'm sitting here wimpering because of what's going on right now. I want to apply for a credit card. I JUST WANT TO BREAK EVEN.... Start a new life.
My girlfriend wants to move out, we are off and on fighting. I can't free myself, I almost want to be single but I can't make it alone. My heart is so very heavy right now and I don't know what to do. I want to get on my bike and see where my mind takes me. I've got no regards to anything at this time... I can't think clearly. Medication isn't dulling me they way it should. I just want to scream..
There's no digging myself out of this hole... I am in way too deep. There's other people in this world that's got it more bad than me, but I can't figure out my own situation.
One more pill down the hatch and I'm hitting the road for a while.