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Author Topic: I've had enough of this battle...  (Read 127 times)

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Offline Potatoes

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I've had enough of this battle...
« on: July 09, 2014, 05:35:00 PM »
Hello all..


I don't know how to start this. I'm two clonazepam deep, and I'm about to take another one... my last one. I'm sick of them. I find no sense of closure to what is going on with me. I don't want to be in the situation I'm in. I've got so many ends to tie and I'm all out of string at this point. I go on motorcycle rides to find my escape, but my worry is slowly taking over that.

Upon starting my new job I was let go from my previous job at the end of the pay period... I didn't start my new job for two weeks following that. I got screwed big time. My savings I thought was perfect for an emergency fund only gave me a life raft with no oars. I've got collection agencies calling me over something that happened forever ago.. I've got two more things going to collections, one in which is $1,500. I can't find a home to move into... the home I live in now with my parents and my girlfriend are overbearing to me. Makes me SICK to my stomach. I'm a hard working individual and I hold my own, but when I come "home" I just wish it was a place of peace and privacy, but it's not... It's tough. Oh well. Woh is me. Pity me. I'm not looking for pity. I'm just making a primary source of what's really going on with my life.

I want freed from these chains of why I'm constantly worried about everything. I am vulnerable on so many levels and there is not one single thing I can think of that can free me from this.

I spent $140 at the bar a couple of nights ago and got completely trashed, and yet I didn't feel any relief.. I woke up the next morning and cried. Why Is this happening to me?

I don't feel any relief from my medication, Only horrible dreams when I run out of it... And tomorrow will be the start of that because I'm about to take my last one and I'm going to go for a long motorcycle ride.. to the middle of nowhere because if I can't leave my troubles behind then there's not much else I can do.

Never have I ever shown so much embarrassment in my life than I am right now. I'm crying. I'm a grown ass man and I'm sitting here wimpering because of what's going on right now. I want to apply for a credit card. I JUST WANT TO BREAK EVEN.... Start a new life.

My girlfriend wants to move out, we are off and on fighting. I can't free myself, I almost want to be single but I can't make it alone. My heart is so very heavy right now and I don't know what to do. I want to get on my bike and see where my mind takes me. I've got no regards to anything at this time... I can't think clearly. Medication isn't dulling me they way it should. I just want to scream..

There's no digging myself out of this hole... I am in way too deep. There's other people in this world that's got it more bad than me, but I can't figure out my own situation.

One more pill down the hatch and I'm hitting the road for a while.
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Offline TyeDyedButterfly

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Re: I've had enough of this battle...
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2014, 06:31:48 PM »
Hi Potatoes,

I read what you wrote several times thinking what do I say back to someone who is suffering so bad and I so can relate to what you have written and everyday I wonder why I am not better and why things keep happening and it seems to never stop it does get so over whelming and disappointing and so much more.

The advice I can offer is very little because I am such a mess myself but I everyday I believe in Hope and Faith and try not to beat myself up and wow it sure is hard! I struggle to walk through my house and hardly ever leave my home and I hurt all over and I did lose my job and that cut our income a lot but we make it and do okay we want for nothing only for good health .

I honestly wonder if the meds make me worse because I sure am not better and I have been on them for a long time and then I have friends tell me they feel better off them and are back out living life so I guess it can go both ways. I think soon I need to get off the meds after talking to my doctor and just get a new therapist and start fighting to gain back my life.

I would suggest journaling if you don't and write down the positives and build on those and maybe you and your girlfriend need to set down and discuss some things could be she isn't the right one for you I don't know . I do know when you said you CAN'T make it alone yes you CAN that is the problem with us all on here well most we say CANT a lot but we don't know unless we try and I was a single mom and I struggled but I did make it so I know that is possible . We just feel so down we don't see the top of this pit but it is there we have to keep climbing and know we will get back out!

Only we can work on us and that is a lot of work and very depressing and scary also I do know about guilt and being embarrassed I just finally said to myself and others I wont let anyone not even myself live in guilt and feel ashamed because this is a Mental Health Illness or Issues whatever people want to call it just as any other Illness so why be ashamed we don't need to be at all. I do know Men feel they should not be like this but it is happening with many men also not just a few and if we allow people to make us feel bad about ourselves then that is our own fault and if we beat ourselves up it is our own fault but dang the Mind is tricky and loves to just keep messing with us and that is where we start by changing how we talk to ourselves and how we let others talk to us and make us feel it become a habit and a hard one to break like smoking or drinking etc.it is an addiction because we stay so focused on our thoughts and actions and we also focus a lot on others wondering what do they think about Me?..

Getting out and working or riding around , sports, exercise, eat right, hobbies, exposure etc. therapy of course are the keys to overcoming this and sometimes many do need meds.

It may take months or years depends on the person and what they are dealing with but this can be BEAT! Do not give up do not beat yourself up anymore and know you have nothing to be ashamed of at all! We that deal with this stuff we are some of the strongest people around!

Drinking will only cause things to be worse in the long run or as you seen really solved nothing.

You will beat this! YOU WILL! Retrain the brain over and over with positive self talk and phrases.
Take care and soon you will be back on track with money and where you live and yes your health I have been up and down for years and have a lot going on but I will not accept defeat !

Tyedyedbutterfly Hang in there better days are coming!
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Offline forever young

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Re: I've had enough of this battle...
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2014, 08:18:16 PM »
you are so right tyedyebutterfly  we have to learn to help ourselves. we need to love ourselves where we are. we can' help we got this but we can work toward getting over it. I have been stuck for years waiting for some miracle to come alone well it never has. I am still in the same spot. it is not a shame to have it but a shame to stay stuck. I know what I need to do but don't want to because it will hurt I will have to feel the fear. I am avoiding that at all cost even my happiness. I have lost a lot over the years things I can't get back. I can't look back only go forward. I am trying to get on meds and having a hard  time . I have so many physical symptoms that drive me crazy and have me wanting to run to the er. not sure if it is my medicine or my anxiety or if something physical is wrong. I am tired of going ot drs who don't know what is going on. I can only just keep moving on I can't give up even some days Iwant to that can't be an options. I am trying to get stable enough to face my demons and not look back and recover the teritory I have lost. I want my life back better than before. I s that too much to ask for. potatoes hang in there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
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