My husband and I got into a really bad argument today. About money big surprise. Got out of control quickly, his tone was condescending which really gets to me. I admit that I don't have the best common sense and I know that can be irritating. He said I misinterpret his tone because of my own self loathing.......do I have self loathing, yes I do. But he doesn't hear how he comes off to me even when I try to explain it gently, he gets very defensive. My emotions got so out of control that I did something terrible. I grabbed a knife and made a threatening gesture at my own neck. I'm disgusted with myself.
I don't understand. I've been "getting better" sleeping more exercising regularly, in a good new job. But yet one unexpected stressor after another hits me and I don't know how to maintain my reserves. I'm tired of seeing that knife or a mouthful of pills as an option during one of my out of control states. I regret so deeply how I hurt my husband when I did that.