Are these symptoms of anxiety or something else ?

[Angsthase]

I can't remember the last time I felt good. I have IBS but constantly worry if it's something else. The last 2 days my belly feels better but still something is off. In the morning I felt hot flashes and my heart is beating very fast. I also don't have any appetite. I just eat because I don't want to feel weaker. I just have constantly this uneasy feeling even when my stomach doesn't feel too bad. Once in a while I have a good day but most of the time I feel anxious and depressed. I feel also so alone because my husband  pays even less attention to me when I don't feel good.
I feel I ruin everybodies life with me never feeling good, I can't even smile anymore. I often wish I don't wake up the next morning because of the guilt. My husband only pays attentioin to me when he wants sex. I am just good for that. Telling how I feel doesn't help  because than  I am a complainer or nag.
There is just nothing I do right and if I don't feel good physically I am no fun to be around. What is this uneasy feeling all the time ? It's so hard to describe. All my friends seem happy and strong. Seems like I am the only weak one.

[Anxiously_Yours]

Everything you described sounds like anxiety to me.  Even when you are feeling good you still have an uneasy feeling.  That is how I feel alot of the time.  I know it's my anxiety.  It's hard when you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about what you are going through.  I don't talk to my husband alot about my anxieties either.  It sucks when you get that "I feel so alone" feeling.  You may think most of your friends are happy and strong but that may not be the case.  Most of my friends think that of me because I hide my inner feelings very well.  I have been doing it for so long now that I'm an old pro at it.

IBS is an awful thing to deal with. I suspect that even when you are feeling better you are always stressing about when you are going to have another flare up.  I know it's hard but try to focus on the moment.  When you are feeling well, go with it and enjoy it. 

I hope you feel better and please know you AREN'T alone.

[Xalatimo]

Yeah, this just sounds like anxiety but there seems to be some depression along with it.  You aren't alone, but that doesn't mean you have to accept this as a way of life.  You have some seriously negative thinking that can be fixed if you work at it.  You have been diagnosed with IBS & anxiety.  Actually your very first post back in December 2006 proves that this is nothing more than anxiety since you have been stuck on this same worry for 2 years.  This prove that this is nothing more than that, just anxiety and worry.  If you look back and realize the pattern you see what is going on here and that you aren't weak it is just anxiety messing with your head.

If you can learn to just accept this and not worry about all the other what ifs you would probably be able to enjoy life a lot more with your husband and kids.  It's a choice.  You can either choose to worry or choose to take the risk (in your mind) and assume it's nothing more than anxiety since it has been going on for so long.  People think that with Health Anxiety worry is a part of life and that it is natural but it isn't true.  You continuously choose to give in to your symptoms and your negative thoughts and this produces the worry.  You are used to believing your anxiety and it becomes reality. 

Even if you are feeling bad, try to enjoy life with your kids and husband!  There are going to be days in life where we all feel bad but we have to fight through them and still try to enjoy life and make something out of it.  Don't let them see it.  Your husband probably loves you but maybe he doesn't like being around you and seeing you suffer like this.  It has nothing to do with you as a person, or you ruining everybody's life.  He only pays attention to you when he wants sex...probably untrue and due to negative thinking!  Try to put yourself in your husband's shoes.  What if you were the one who didn't have anxiety and he did?  Wouldn't you want the best for him?  Would you want him to focus on recovery, or dwell on the negative?  It's just human nature.  The uneasy feeling is simply you being anxious thinking that there is something wrong or something is about to go wrong.  The more you give in to this feeling the more you believe it is true.  Just ignore it.  Soon it becomes nothing more than an annoyance, which is what IBS is.  You can continue feeling bad that you aren't doing anything right (which is untrue) or you can use the way you are feeling right now as motivation.  Motivation to finally take a stand and to get better and live a better life with your husband and kids!  Remember, there are options out there like medication and therapy, I don't know if you have tried any but it cant hurt to try.

[Angsthase]

Thanks Xalatimo for your reply. I know you are right and I am trying my best to work on it. I did try Celexa before but it really didn't make a difference. I didn't have any side effect. Every 6 weeks I see a psych nurse about my IBS and my anxiety. Unfortunately my insurance doesn't cover weekly therapy sessions. She said I could try Zoloft. I didn't try it yet because I am always so scared of the side effects esspecially of the weight gain. Seems like a lot of people gain weight from it even though I didn't form Celexa. Celexa suppose to be one which doesn't do that to you.
I think I didn't mentioned  that my husband cheated on me last year. I think the reason for that is also due to my IBS and anxiety. Well, he decided to stay with me after all but I am still hurting and feel  very insecure in my relationship. We just went to a couples communication class because to counsling he doesn't want to go. He seem to forget a lot of the things we learned in this class which makes me also sad. I blame my anxiety and the IBS for the cheating. He even told me ones " You can be glad I am still around  because everybody would have left you already". This sentence is still ringing in my ears. I learned marriage and being sick doesn't go together. Sometimes I think  he just stays with me because we have  child together and also he would have to pay a ton of child support. That's a lot of negative thinking , I know but it just feels this way. When I don't feel good I am at the same time scared about my marriage. I also think that I wouldn't find somebody again because of the anxiety and IBS .That's why I better work on this relationship even though I don't feel I get the respect I deserve.

[Xalatimo]

Your husband is wrong there.  There are other husbands that would stick around and help you, not cheat.  If I love my wife I don't care if she has anxiety or IBS or if she is always negative, I will always be there and support her.  That's the point of wedding vows.  And if I feel I can't do this anymore, I break up, not cheat (especially if we have kids already).  So don't let him brainwash you, and don't start feeling guilty for him cheating.  The reason he cheated might have been frustration but that doesn't give him the right to.  He's lucky you haven't divorced him yet.  I don't know there are two sides to every story but regardless that is not something he should say to you.  This is probably having an impact and making you feel weak.  Think about if staying in this relationship is healthy.  Yes, I know there are kids involved so it is complicated but don't let anyone take advantage of you.

Sometimes I think  he just stays with me because we have  child together and also he would have to pay a ton of child support. That's a lot of negative thinking , I know but it just feels this way. When I don't feel good I am at the same time scared about my marriage. I also think that I wouldn't find somebody again because of the anxiety and IBS .That's why I better work on this relationship even though I don't feel I get the respect I deserve.

Even if you don't find anyone, it's better than being disrespected.  What makes you think having anxiety will prevent you from finding someone else though, if that's what you eventually choose to do?  There are millions of people with anxiety maybe you will find someone like you who can relate.  You're right that is just negative thinking again.

[Angsthase]

I just know that with my confidence level and anxiety and IBS I won't appear very attractive to anybody. I can pretend for while but eventually the real me will appear and that person will be very dissapointed and of course I will be hurt too. I just can't picture anybody wanting me. Somehow I don't want to live alone right now especially when I don't feel good.
Also, I don't have family here and bugging my friends about my problems will hurt my friendships with them. My friends know about my problems but I doubt that they can relate or want to hear more of it. Well, that's why I go on the internet. That's better than nothing.
At least he (husband) is not mean right now but I get treated like air. Totally taken for granted. Maybe it's part of marriage ?
Maybe I have to buy some sort of self help book. Do you know a good one ?

[Xalatimo]

It's hard to say without knowing your situation and hearing both sides of the story.  Maybe he does appreciate you but he just doesn't show it.  You are right, it -can- be a part of marriage.  But it doesn't always have to be that way.  It's always important to remind yourselves how much you love each other and make each other feel appreciated.  I learned the hard way.  I know for a fact that I took took my girlfriend for granted.  She was also the same way.  It seems the only way we would ever show how much we appreciated each other was after an argument.  We did end up breaking up after a while, and it was only then that I realized just how important she was to me.  Sometimes you only appreciate someone after they're gone, so you're right.  I guess sometimes it's just a part of marriage.

I never really read that many self-help books.  The only actual book I currently own is, "It's Not All in Your Head" which is mostly about Health Anxiety.  Whataprettyworld also posted a while back about some good books to read regarding Health Anxiety and cognitive behavioral therapy.  Whatever you do don't give up.

[Angsthase]

Xalatimo, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I just want to be dead but of course I would be to scared to 0473. I slept 1 hour last night due to IBS pain. I am just so scared that my husband will leave me one day because I am always so depressed. When I ask him if he loves me he just sais o.k or you are the mom but he just can't say I love you. He also doesn't show it in other ways like hugging, kissing.... He is so cold to me.
He tells me I am treating him bad. Yesterday he caught me crying in the bathroom because I can't affort crying in front of him anymore. I can't fake happiness when I feel unloved and in pain everyday. He sais I am making him feel like a bad person when I cry, like he did something terrible(this is what he means by treating him bad). He can't love me when I am depressed. Even before IBS he wasn't the greated in showing his affection but now I think he doesn't even like me anymore.
I can't divorce him because the way I feel I can't attract anybody anymore. Also, I am scared to loose my health insurance when I am divorced. That's a big one for somebody who has health anxiety. I was a preschool teacher before but I couldn't even picture myself in this job right now.  I am way to depressed and in pain. I am basically stuck but I also don't want to lose him. How can I become happy so he will be nicer to me ?

[Xalatimo]

If you have to be happy in order for your husband to love you and be nice to you, I think there is a major problem.  When you get married, didn't he agree to love you unconditionally, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health?  Or am I just not interpreting that correctly?  The bottom line is, if it was my wife, I would stick with her whether she woke up with a smile on her face or if she woke up feeling depressed.  I would do whatever it takes to make her feel happy and feel loved.  Sometimes though, tough love is needed.  But I don't think true love just vanishes into thin air, just because your wife has depression/anxiety issues.  I think he might be acting selfish.  Maybe he has been patient and he is just frustrated now and not seeing any results, I really don't know. 

But that shouldn't give him the excuse to act like that, and make you feel even worse.  Like I said, try to take advantage of CBT while you can and still have health insurance.  And just focus on your kids, they have priority.  Your last question also worries me, because I think you should be happy so -you- can live a happy life, not so your husband will be nice to you.  This just sounds like you are too dependent on him right now, and you are feeling vulnerable.  Put it this way, I'd rather be single and rely on child support than to live unhappily with someone who I feel doesn't love me.  Don't be scared that he will leave you, if it happens, it happens and you will be able to cope somehow.  I think you are just stressed out right now causing your IBS to get even worse.  There are good days and bad days, IBS can't kill you, but if you are preoccupied with it and want to feel perfect -all- the time, then I could see how it could affect you, but I guess work on the anxiety first -- for yourself -- and the rest will follow.  Are you sure you wouldn't be able to handle a preschool job?  Because I think getting back on your feet and feeling independent will go a long way.  Not only for yourself, and your relationship, but for your anxiety and IBS symptoms.  Sometimes just dwelling on it makes it worse and once you are active and take your mind off of it, you get better.  Also, sometimes we feel we can't handle something, but somehow we do.

[Angsthase]

I actually quit my job because of the IBS. I felt like I wasn't doing my job right since I was so depressed and in pain from the IBS. As a preschool teacher you have to be positive and happy all the time. My husband actually said why don't you take a break from it. The other reason was that paying child care for my daughter and working  in child care didn't make sense money wise. I rather wanted to take care of my own child and I want to raise her billingual German /English since I am from Germany. I don't want to sound like lazy or something. Seems like even if I would work full time I would still be so dependent on him. You live in the Bay Area too just like me and we both know how expensive everything is.
How is it actually possible to be happy in pain/discomfort on a day to day basis ? Can you learn that with CBT ? Is there a sliding scale therapist in the East bay ( I live in Albany near Berkeley). I am saying sliding scale because I don't have any money of my own and I don't want to spent his money on a Therapist. I rather go without him knowing. I did go to a therapist last year because of the same problem but it wasn't CBT. This therapist was constantly talking about my childhood experiences but talking about the past really doesn't solve any problems.

[Xalatimo]

Yeah I know it is expensive over here.  Well if you think it's not worth it to work, I guess your mind is made up.  But even so, the money your husband makes is not really "his" money it's for the both of you, as well as your kids.  I think you can be happy in discomfort if you just interpret the discomfort differently.  You might be so anxious at wanting to feel good that it kind of hinders the whole thing.  I don't know.  Yes, CBT can help this kind of thing.  I mean it's worth a try.  You can't put a price on peace of mind.

[WorriedinTexas]

Hi Ang,

I will have to agree with Xal that in order for your husband to love you you have to be happy? Not true. I am severely depressed right now and crippled with anxiety, I don't work and don't even leave my house and for that matter only shower about once a week. My husband works over 60 hours a week and come home every night looking forward to being with me. Just the other night I was laying on the floor, not feeling well, looking terrible and he asked if I would get on the couch and cuddle with him for just a little bit, he fell asleep holding me. Everytime he gets up he asks what he can get me and makes me dinner and brings it to me, and he said, I can do this for the rest of my life...

You see he married me for better or worse, in sickness and in health and he meant it. Your husband either needs to start treating you like a person again or you need to figure out what is going to be best for you and your child in the long run. Life is too short to be miserable. My husband does have bad days with this because of course he feels like he has lost his best friend but he still sees me for the girl he met 3 years ago and still knows that I will come back as the sam girl. Just hang in there and take care of yourself! I can totally relate to your health issues and the IBS so well. Please take care!

[Angsthase]

You are very lucky ! Maybe it's also because you are married just 3 years and the romance is still there. I am married already 13 years.
Do you also have IBS ? What made you so depressed ?

[WorriedinTexas]

I would think it would be even better after 13 years! I mean if you had cancer would he still treat you like this? It's a real disorder with real symptoms. Anyway I have always been depressed since I was younger but have gotten worse in the past 8 years or so. My aunt passed away in November and then I lost my job in January, and then 5 weeks ago I found my neighbor dead and that set off the anxiety bad. So when I got that anxious it turned into nonstop anxiety and then depression and agoraphobia. Just got out of control. Yes I have had IBS for years and it hurts and I always feel crampy and bloated and have spent many days curled in a ball on the couch. I hate not feeling normal.