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Author Topic: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?  (Read 225 times)

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Offline Nichlas224

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The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« on: July 06, 2014, 03:30:34 PM »
Hi. I have made a few posts about this topic but i dont feel as if i got a clear answer, im sorry and no offence.
Warning: This is long =)

I have been having physical and mental health anxiety for more than 6 months and currently belive i have two things.
One is having throat cancer and Two is having NPD.
I have, before thinking i had NPD, belived i had/was both Sociopath, Psychopath, AsPD, Borderline, Scizhoprhrenic, and possible more. The worst was sociopath because i was scared i was never gonne feel love, or have any true emotions and that my lifee had been a lie.
My pDoc said that the only thing that is wrong with me is my ADHD (Hyper Kinetic Conduct Disorder) and there is nothing else, else they wouldve seen it since they been with me for about 6-8 months.
However this NPD thing really gets me to wonder and really makes me worried and i OBSESS about it. Its all i think about its all i can talk about. I have ruined my relationship with my girlfriend since i started to fear mental illness because it was all i cared about. You can say i have had a relationship with my anxiety and not a relationship with her.

I dont know if this is what Healt Anxiety does or if i really have some of these symptoms.
I am aware that everyone have narc traits in some way or another.
I dont know if it is my mind that makes me think i have some of these symptoms or if my mind is making them worse than they really are. And ill go over the basics that i know in my head.

Note: I dont want to be a narc, i want to be 'normal' ( no offence if that came out wrong) and just experience love, happyness.. everything

Lack of empathy: I took an online test twice and scored under avage both times. I know you cant trust an online test but somewhere it must say something about me anyways. (i took the test quick without really thinking the different answers through)
I can feel bad for another person. I can litterely cry if i can see another person is happy/surpriced because i feel their happyness. I can feel bad if i see one get bullied. If one looks unhappy, Have a hard time or stuff like that. Something concerns me.

I will give a few exambles of where i have felt empathy. (These are from one of my recent posts)

"I saw a video on youtube.. All this guy wanted to do was sing.. His whole life people have told him he couldn sing.. that he had a terrible voice.. Then he was gonne sing infront of a few thousands.. He was crying of nervousness..
When he started to sing and you could see the audience loved it and he enjoyed it..
When he was done people stood up. They clapped. I could see how happy he was.. I felt happy for him.. I honestly started crying a little bit cause i could see how happy he was.


I saw a tv show.. This guy was driving around with unsecured fireworks.. Police caught him and said how much the ticket would be and you could see the sadness in his expression right away.. The police offer then said he wasnt going to give it to him cause it wasnt to much he had done wrong.. I felt happy, reliefed.. I felt bad for this guy AFTER i saw how happy he was that he didn get the ticket.. i fell bad cause he just thought he was gonne get a huge ticket and the look on his face screamed 'sadness' But the look on his face after made me feel happy?


I was playing an online game and i saw 3 guys bully him.. at first i was kinda like 'haha this is funny to read' But after a lil i thought 'i wouldn wanne be in this situation' and i felt bad for him.. I private messaged him and told him not to care what they said.. I agreed with him..

I dont do alot at home for my mother.. Shes sick but still do all chores.. I seem to forget it and just think like 'im used to her doing it all she can handle it' But sometimes i get these moments where i feel so bad for her.. I will start to clean the kitchen to suprice her and see her happy."

Mr always right: That is me. If i have an argument or a verbal fight i always belive im right. I try to view the other persons point but i dont know if i care enough to. I just belive im right, and if im proven wrong and i know i am wrong, if i had already said im right i will be to embarrased to admit im wrong and the argument just goes on forever. I have also been told i twist sentences and make them logical into that im the one whos right. I dont like the fact IF i actually do this.

I cant never ever make up my mind. If i make a decision i will change my mind right after because i think its the wrong. I always ask for others opinion with a decision and still cant deside..

I am a shy person. I will not talk at all in socisl activities (special if there are new people i havent met yet) I feel as everyone stares at me. I feel discomfort uncomfteble (typos) If i walk down the street i feel as everyone is looking at me and laughing. I have even noticed i change the way i walk when i have that feeling that everyone stares at me. I almlst always check shopwindows with a quick glance to see how i look i also do this with mirrors. Sometimes i think i am pretty and sometimes i think i am ugly and why do i have to be this ugly!

I dont really see people as superior than me i think. I want to be the best and mostly i think i am the best, atleast better than i actually am. I can be verbaly mean (special on online games) But sometimes i will feel bad after and apologize. I dont feel as i care about others as much as i should. I think i only see what i have lost, untill i truly lost it.

I dont really think i deserve something.. Sometimes i can wonder "why me.. why not someone else"
I am EXTREMELY lazy and try to make others do my work if possible..
I am greedy with money, Real money or 'game' money i am greedy.
Sometimes i get these moments where i just feel like giving.. Giving money to someone (online) just cause.. but i dont know if its because i wanne brag about my money or because i want to make them happy.

I dont really like my own look as said above^ And i get embarrased when getting complimented cause i think "that cant be true" But again sometimes i can think i am handsome.

I lie from time to time and maybe a bit too often but mostly to avoid arguments but also sometimes to look better..

I do sometimes feel like i am special, but for no reason and other times i feel as a failure.

Mostly when i say sorry im really not sorry.. I just try to avoid an argument..

I do feel somewhat bad for putting my ex through all this and i wanted to leave her at one point so i couldn hurt her more, but failed cause i didn want to be without her.
First time she said she was gonna leave me i paniced. First gime she said she liked someone i paniced but found out it was me =)

I will brag if i get the chance.

I want to copy something i also said in my first post about NPD.

1. " I dont have a profile picture on anything (*****, ***** etc) cuz i dont like my own pictures and i fear judgement or people laughing"

2. "Honestly i dont think i even know who i am.. Been 'hiding' my whole life.. Bottled up emotions
And now im wondering if i have NPD cause of Health anxiety and the same time trying to figure out who i am.." That being said, i have hidden behind a mask that i wasnt scared of anything, i have acted as i was the "cool gangster" in baggy closing when infact i am a very shy and paranoid guy. Small things can make me paranoid.. If i see a group of people around my age i will almost do anything to avoid passing them cause i fear looking stupid. i am SPECIAL shy and nervous around girls.

3. "Im not fancy with my body either.. If i look at myself in the mirror i cant see "oh i look 19" (my age) im thinking "oh you look 16 or something what the hell.. everyone else look their age whats wrong with me" And ill think i need my ID to go buy Ciggerettes or alchohol or something and nearly wont go without it.. I had to send a picture to my Online girlfriend once and i was nervous.. I took 100 pictures and i didn like a single one.. I Promised pictures cause in that moment i felt brave but when i took them and looked at them i was like "No.. you look fat, dont send that DELETE" and yea.. too 100 pictures to send one cause i feard jugdement" Yeeep. actually i still owe her pictures.

4. "I ALWAYS somehow change the topic so it involves around me.. With my girlfriend if she talks about her feelings i always end up talking about my stuff, always end up defending myself.. always end up saying things twice to make sure she saw it, or cause i feel like i didn get a straight answer.. But i ALWAYS somehow get it turned around so its my point of view.." So yea..

5. "EDIT.. I can feel bad for a person just by looking at their face.. Doesnt matter if its a boy or a girl.. But if they have a certian expression i can feel bad.. If they look extremely happy i feel sorta like.. Happy too.. I feel like i want that.. If i see someone with a cute face cry wether or not its a boy or girl i can feel bad.. I can be really sentitive to a cute face expression.. I saw a guy go on stage and singing after everyone his whole life laughed at him and said he couldn.. when the audience clapped at him and stood up i could see how happy he was.. i actually shed a tear there..
Ive been worring sometimes if im gay.. I can find another man "sexy" with his big muscles.. I think im just jealous and i want it myself so i think hes hot cause im always imagin myself with those muscles... If i see someone cute looking i feel "inlove" even when i got a girlfriend.. if i see someone cute i get sentitive... Even when i got a girlfriend.. This also scares me.. as how can i find someone else attractive and think dirty about them when i got a girlfriend... It gets me thinking if i think like a NPD.. Like "oh i could use this" and not care about my gf...Im scared its like that.. i hope not.. Maybe this is ALL in my head and im normal.. Maybe it is ALL anxiety and my ADHD and imy health anxiety is now on having NPD instead of AsPD as i feared a month ago... I hope its all in my head"

6. and last "I wanted to go to afgan once.. for selfish reason.. Not to help. I wanted to go home cause i wanted to experience the feelings and emotions people gave you when u got home.. i wanted to feel missed.. I saw a vid of returning soliders and i just wished it was me."

There are possible more but this is improvised thoughts and all i remember for now..

PLEASE ask if you have a question and i would love to answer.

Note: Alot of this could come from my ADHD and as pDoc said thats all i got.. but idont know.

Thanks for reading

EDIT: Its also like im not thankfull for what others do for me.:(
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Online sixpack

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2014, 03:35:14 PM »
tbh-- I didn't read thw whole post.  I scanned it.  but wondering what is NPD?
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MOST anxiety occurs on a subconscious level.  JUST because you don't feel consciously anxious or had a day or two of calm doesn't mean your mind & body are relaxed.  It can take months of reduced anxiety before a body goes back to a more non-reactive state

Offline Nichlas224

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2014, 03:40:07 PM »
NPD as in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

And it worries me as said in post :(
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Online sixpack

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2014, 04:02:39 PM »
ahhhh  I was talking to my bro in law about this just this morning.  He is a clinical psychologist.  we were discussing a colleague of his who he and others think she is that.

what I know about NPD is that those who have it wouldn't give a rat's arse if they did or would adamantly deny they had it. 

respectfully, you are  googling too much.  this is a dangerous thing for those with anxiety.   

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MOST anxiety occurs on a subconscious level.  JUST because you don't feel consciously anxious or had a day or two of calm doesn't mean your mind & body are relaxed.  It can take months of reduced anxiety before a body goes back to a more non-reactive state

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2014, 04:19:17 PM »
to add about the googling and reading about any illness:  a person with an anxious mindset is not capable of seeing things clearly.  You have a preconceived notion that you have a personality disorder.  so googling such disorders you  and your anxious mindset are going to attribute everything you read as fitting into your fears.  You will sit back and collect "proof" to fit your theory.  trouble is all of this is being filtered through anxious thinking.  Which is HIGHLY unreliable.

One of my kids, when 16/17, was depressed and anxious.  He had worked himself up into quite a frenzy.  He was googling personality disorders and mental illnesses, in general.  He had himself completely and totally convinced he had schizoid personality disorder.  It was ludicrous, of course.  but he was doing just as you are now.  Luckily we got him into an excellent therapist.  AND with the help of the therapist and a lot of work on his part in time he got better.  He just finished his first year in college with a 3.9 in physics and math.  His big problem was not some personality disorder but anxiety and depression.
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MOST anxiety occurs on a subconscious level.  JUST because you don't feel consciously anxious or had a day or two of calm doesn't mean your mind & body are relaxed.  It can take months of reduced anxiety before a body goes back to a more non-reactive state

Offline Nichlas224

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2014, 04:23:18 PM »
Thank you so very much for your reply!

its good to hear that they wouldn care and possible deny if they was NPD when i obvious care :)

About the googling you are right, i do belive i have all symptoms of a disorder and those i actually do have my mind makes it worse than it is :)

Im sorry your son went through that but i am happy he got better!

Glad it was 'just' depression and anxiety and glad he finished his forst year of collage! i wish him goodluck
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Online sixpack

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2014, 04:36:51 PM »
OH anxiety and depression are not a "just"  they make lives miserable--the sufferer and those around him/her.

I would urge you to seriously address the anxiety disorder you have.  You will feel so much better.  Just think to be happy    ;D
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MOST anxiety occurs on a subconscious level.  JUST because you don't feel consciously anxious or had a day or two of calm doesn't mean your mind & body are relaxed.  It can take months of reduced anxiety before a body goes back to a more non-reactive state

Offline Nichlas224

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2014, 04:41:56 PM »
I know its not just 'just' bad choose of word :p english isnt my primsry language or nation so what do you mean with adress it? sorry :)
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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2014, 04:55:38 PM »
address----  meaning to work on getting anxiety under control. 


An observation I have:  I've been a member here for a long time.  I mostly post trying to encourage others to get on the healing path. I can, at times, be very direct.   :laugh3:   What I find odd is that often people know they have anxiety.  they know it makes them feel miserable.  they hate being scared  They know it can cause so many symptoms etc. and, yet,  They just can't make the leap of faith to getting better.  Many just stay stuck in the cycle of symptoms and fear.  I don't know why???  who knows maybe it becomes 'easier' to do the same thing--in a weird way comfortable.  Maybe it becomes too hard to imagine not being scared  OR maybe there is the fear of trying but failing is scary...........   Well as I said just an observation...  By the way I am not saying that is you   :winking0008:   
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MOST anxiety occurs on a subconscious level.  JUST because you don't feel consciously anxious or had a day or two of calm doesn't mean your mind & body are relaxed.  It can take months of reduced anxiety before a body goes back to a more non-reactive state

Offline Nichlas224

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2014, 05:12:50 PM »
Well i can agree to some. I feel as if i got used to feeling like i do. I would be very scared of a heart attack if i just felt the slightest in my cheat and i would panic, it doesnt borther me anymore unless it is serve.
I also feel like i have no motivation at all and that could also be a key to not 'wanting' to get better? And last i feel like isolation is safety and so on :)

The only thing that scares me now still is my throat, its been the same for 7months.. the classic throat/breathing people have with anxiety :) borthers me 24:7

Good observation :p
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Offline saffron

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2014, 02:55:28 AM »
Hi :) I'm responding to this at your request.

I know what you're going through, and I know what it's like to feel scared too. As I was saying in one of your other topics, I seem to worry about something different every day too. Not to the extent that you do, but some days can definitely be worse than others.

To be honest, I really have no idea about throat cancer or what the symptoms of it are; I'm completely clueless when it comes to diseases like that because to be honest, I'm not a doctor. The only knowledge I have of the body is the introductory biology class that they make us take as a General Education class in college. I would find out more about diseases and the body, but Googling and researching things about that on the Internet only make my anxiety worse. Speaking of that, reading about NPD or throat cancer online and taking those quizzes is really something that you need to stay away from. Those quizzes are very inaccurate. See, a person can be a bit narcissistic sometimes, but that doesn't mean that they have the full disorder. But anyways, about the throat cancer, I think it's really unlikely that you have it. It's more likely that you have extreme anxiety over it. I worry about similar things, but I'm alive and healthy, typing this message. I thought that there was something wrong with my heart, but I had my doctor listen to it and I had an EKG, and she said that it sounded perfectly healthy. For your own peace of mind, you should get checked out by your doctor. It really helped to lessen my anxiety.

I do know a few things about psychology and mental disorders, and I'm pretty sure you don't have NPD. I actually know someone with NPD. My friend's sister has it. And as sixpack up there mentioned, people with NPD wouldn't know that they had such a disorder, and they would flat out deny having it if someone pointed it out to them. They wouldn't care either. I told you this before when you were worried about having schizophrenia and/or being a sociopath: the fact that you're so worried about having the disorder proves that you most likely don't have it, even with the supposed symptoms you pointed out. In fact, you sound like almost the opposite of someone with NPD, in my opinion.

For example, one of the classic symptoms of NPD is the lack of empathy, but you clearly have empathy for other people, with all of the examples that you mentioned, like the guy on Youtube whose dream of being a singer made you cry a little when he actually achieved it, or how you try and surprise your mom by cleaning the kitchen to make her happy. And as I mentioned before, people with NPD simply wouldn't care if they had any of the symptoms that you pointed out. And some of the symptoms you pointed out are just completely different. You said that you're shy, indecisive, and sometimes worried about your appearance and what other people might be thinking about it. These are not symptoms of NPD. I'm honestly curious why you think you have it. About the other things you mentioned, they're honestly not that strange. People arguing with each other always feel like their opinion is the right one. Everyone feels greedy or protective of their money sometimes, and most people will brag if given the chance. I'm around your age, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life either. Extreme laziness can be a symptom of your ADHD. I have ADD, and when I don't take my stimulant medication to correct for it, I'm extremely sluggish and lazy too.

You really really need to slow down, and maybe see a therapist. I know that it's not an easy step, but they can really really help you. You have a psychiatrist, but honestly, just seeing a psychiatrist isn't enough. A therapist can be sympathetic, helpful and friendly. Anyways, I hope I was able to to help you in some way.
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Offline mikewise77

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2014, 09:37:54 AM »
Hey Nicolas,
I relate to your struggles with empathy, I have them too, have had them all my life. I don't have NPD though I am a high functioning autistic with aspergers syndrome and we aspies notoriously have issues with empathy. I am not at all suggesting that you yourself have aspergers, there is no way I'd be able to make that diagnosis. What I am suggesting is that some of what you are experiencing, while frustrating might not be all that serious. I struggle with empathy but I have been able to learn how to be more empathetic, it is a learned skill.
Hang in there
Mike 
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Offline Nichlas224

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Re: The more i read, the more i belive. NPD?
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2014, 10:20:45 PM »
Thank you both so much for your replies!

And to  saffron i didn mean to 'use' you as a doctor, sorry :)

You are right with the throat cancer, i too have had an ekg cause i was scared of my heart, im aware its anxiety, i know theres nothing wrong, but i belive there is, if it makes sense at all.

About the NPD thing you are right aswell, i see it when others tells me, but when i do myself i dont.
You asked why i think i have it, well. I know for a fact my whole life i have been a jerk :p
And the last 6 months i have been to my girlfriend and im scared i dont feel as guilty as i should. There is alot more reasons that would fit perfectly into having NPD but there is some stuff as you say that rules it out, so my behavior must be something else :)

To mike, i am glad you have learned to be more empathetic, and that it is possible.

I hope you can learn to manage your aspergers (if you already have, then i hope you get way more controll :) )

Im kinda speechless and dont know what to say other than i really apprichiate both your replies! And thank you for the help :) As far as adhd by the way, i am starting on medication soon, i think its called Dex amptefemin or similar. And i really really hope itll change my life. I have read a few stories of what adhd medication did to them and it did change their life :)

I mean.. i cant even eat dinner because im distracted right away, inside my head or by anything outside my head :p

Thank you
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