My recovery story, like all such stories, is a work in progress. I'm writing this story not to boast, but to maybe help or inspire someone. (This is a revision of a previous posting. I hope this version is more compelling, and if I can figure out how to delete the other post I will.)
JANUARY 19, 2014 was the day my GAD, generalized anxiety disorder, began. How do I know? Because I had been keeping an online journal. I've kept personal growth journals since high school. On this day, I wrote:
"START OF ANXIOUS FEELINGS? I have been feeling a bit of general anxiety. It's a gloom and dread that is with me when I go to sleep, and with me when I wake up. Feels relentless like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I had a premonition that I was feeling weird, not quite myself."
MARCH 12, 2014, I started seeing a therapist and taking Buspar for GAD. Though I was hopeful for the med, I did not feel much effect in ten weeks.
I found ACT therapy much more powerful and inspirational to me than CBT therapy. I liked the idea of shifting my focus away from my illness and more toward the things that gave my life meaning. Still, I had my good days and bad days. I incorporated physical exercise and yoga to my morning ritual. Whenever I could, I broke out of boring old routines of behavior. Even affirmations were helpful. Spending time now and them talking with myself in the mirror.
Since this was one of the worst, darkest winters in years -- I hoped that my GAD was seasonal and would disappear with the sunlight of spring. Sadly, the sun came and the anxiety remained. My life was basically going fine, but I was not feeling fine inside. My brain chemistry seemed confused. I was terrified that I was falling into some kind of hellish hole that would take me years to climb out of. I continued my buddhist chanting to reveal my best, most enlighted self: my buddha nature. I knew the my anxious self was essentially a delusion.
JUNE 18, 2014, I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking Klonopin. I now take 1 mg a day -- .5 in the morning and .5 in the evening. I could now officially say I had GAD because it had been six months, and that's part of the definition of GAD. Some of my friends where surprised that I was still dealing with anxiety. I formed new friendships through anxiety Meetup Groups and an online support group.
JULY 3, 2014, about two weeks on Klonopin and I can say I'm really feeling not only more calm, but also more motivated about achieving my goals and dreams. Anxiety can still pop up now and then but it's much more manageable. I am working again on revising my second novel. I haven't felt passionately about that in a while.
Throughout all, I continue to reach out to my friends and be open with them. I continue trying to dating because I do dream of having a LTR one day.
Nothing is for certain. We have relapses and we have recoveries. We must learn to manage our disorders, and in some way work together with them. Befriend them. I'll try to update this thread as things continue. I wish you all much good luck in your various unique recoveries.