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Author Topic: Left boyfriend of 4 years.  (Read 451 times)

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Offline kristinsanxiety

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Left boyfriend of 4 years.
« on: July 01, 2014, 04:57:04 PM »
Well I need to talk about this here. My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. There were always doubts from me in the relationship, I left him/strayed away 3 times before this last time. We have been long distance for 7 months but the spark wasn't there when we were living together either, however he was my best friend which is why I'm so conflicted. I confided in him with all my anxiety issues from the fear of going crazy and murdering someone I love to all my cancer/hypochondria fears. Now I don't have him in my life and he is NOT handling it well at all and the guilt is overwhelming which is inevitably why I got back with him the last 3 times. I guess I'm just looking for some advice or someone who can relate.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Left boyfriend of 4 years.
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2014, 05:38:04 AM »
If you don't hit it off by way of lovers there is no point in the relationship. I would not go back just because of guilt. It will only fail again. Like it has done in the past. There are some people in life who we are meant to be just good friends with. People we can talk about anything to. I think you had the friendship side of things. But not the relationship side of things. Giving the history that is there now it would be hard to remain just good friends. I don't think that would be fair on either on you. When people do that it is not exactly ending a relationship. As they remain friends and both people never get that chance to move on with their lives. Like most people with anxiety, you probably came to depend on him a lot with your issues. That is what you more miss. Now you need to find some other way of dealing with those same issues. Don't go back out of guilt. When a relationship ends there is always going to be hurt. That is called ' life '. It happens. Just give yourself some time and some *****.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline flyaway

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Re: Left boyfriend of 4 years.
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2014, 06:22:23 AM »
Kristin, I've ended 2 long-term relationships in my life (the first 4 years, the second 7).  Despite the fact the relationships were unhappy at the end, both times the boyfriend did not take it well and did not want us to break up.

Despite knowing I did the right thing, I felt a lot of guilt, because I hate the idea of hurting anyone, even people who have hurt me.  With both relationships I had fleeting thoughts of going back, because I just wanted the hurt to stop.

My advice is, if you don't want to hurt your ex-boyfriend, don't even bring up the topic of reuniting unless it is something that you actually want, and are in the right mindframe to consider.  Think about it, if you go back, it's more than likely you're going to end up in exactly the same position as you were before, when you decided to end it. Judging by the fact you've broken up several times, you know this already.

I don't know if you have a counsellor or therapist, but it may be something you want to consider. 

You can, and you will, get through this.  The way you feel now will not last forever!!! Be kind to yourself, and look after yourself.
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Offline TyeDyedButterfly

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Re: Left boyfriend of 4 years.
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2014, 07:51:42 AM »
You have to ask yourself if you want to keep wasting more years of your life with someone you really don't Love like someone should love someone in a marriage or even living together the rest of your lives because you can not get those days or years back and if he is only being used as a sounding board or just as a friend then you need to keep him cut loose and give him time to heal and go on with his life because it really isn't fair to him or you to be honest.

Guilt will eat a person up and it will keep making you do things you really don't want to do and that isn't good at all you are only hurting yourself and him. I do understand how nice it was to have him to rely on but if you only love him as a friend then time to finally move on and breaking up and getting back together isn't a positive thing how will you ever heal up ? He is your safe person also.

I also would think how would you feel when you finally see or hear he has found someone else would you be jealous or hurt and want him back ? Maybe there is Love there I don't know but picture him with someone else and your life without him in it everyday and no going back is that okay with you?? Also for you if you don't love him then what if the Guy meant for you is out there and you are stuck in this on and off again relationship because you don't want to step out of the comfort zone and be away from your safe person?

Good Luck relationships are very hard and they are a job and even in marriage it takes work on both sides. 
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