I can only offer you the following thoughts . . . and I am very unsure how they may or may not help you . . .
Each of us carries baggage from our past. But, I notice that you write in the past tense that you "went" to prison and you "were" and angry person. It sounds as if you are no longer that person.
For some reason, though, you feel guilty about your past and are having a difficult time to move forward. Just as we cannot predict the future, we cannot change the past. You feel that you still need to be punished and that would be where I would ask why? Perhaps you do not feel as if you deserve a second chance to live a better life . . . but only someone like a trained professional would be able to take you through the process and support you. . . .and that would be something to consider.
You write that you are a Christian but you do not attend Church. I am not a theologian, but I do not think that one has to attend Church to be a good any type of person. That comes from our commitment to making ourselves the best we can be and doing the best in our interactions with others. Because you continue to feel "guilty" for the past, then it seems as if you are projecting that guilt on to what others may think if you do attend Church. For some people, Church provides a very forgiving environment. Do the people at Church know of your background? If not, then it is really you who seems to be creating a reality that you fear and is stopping you. Do you want to attend Church? If so, ease into the process. Do you know anyone who attends the Church? You do not have to tell your past to anyone and, quite frankly, I suspect that if one dug deep enough into anyone's past, there would be events that might be questionable in any of our pasts or at least in many of our past lives, myself included.
The specific event occurred when you were drunk. Hopefully, you do not drink any longer as alcohol and anxiety very rarely ever mix. You are responsible for your actions and for no one else's actions. I know that this is easier said than done. You cannot control anyone. But, you are responsible for your decisions. Right now, I do believe that you need to consider professional help. If your decision is to do nothing, then this will inevitably harm your beautiful wife and your family because you will be a husband and a family member who is there without being there. You liken your life to a film, but you are the director of it . . . you can choose to remain where you are or you can choose to embark in a very difficult and often times frustrating journey of self-examination to find out why you process events (past, present, future) the way you do and begin to manage the situation. It is not an easy journey but, for me, it was better than what I was doing to myself.
If I remember correctly, John Milton in Paradise Lost wrote something along the lines that “the mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..” ---- it seems as if you are the one in charge and can make the decision to move forward, for yourself and for your family . . . as for the Church, you do not have to be a church goer to be a good Christian . . . if Church is a goal for you, then gradually work yourself into going . . . . I do not think that you deserve to be in hell, but all of us have to be careful not to create a hell for ourselves that does not need to exist . . .
Please check whenever convenient and, by the way, there are many notable poets and writers who cannot spell including Faulkner, Hemingway, and F. Scott Fitzgerald . . . besides, this is a forum for us to support each other so spelling does not count :) Take care, kc