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Author Topic: Im being a jerk.. Dont know what to do..  (Read 289 times)

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Offline Nichlas224

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Im being a jerk.. Dont know what to do..
« on: June 28, 2014, 04:23:52 AM »
Hi.. I dont really know if this is a stupid question but yea..

For a few months now i have been a jerk to my girlfriend which is now ex...
Ive had Health Anxiety for 6-7 months and a few months ago i started to change..
Ive been Completely self absorbed.. I think 90% of our convensations we have had its been anout my problems.. My fears.. Me looking for reasurrence.. If we had an argument i would almost take her words and tear them apart.. twist it around and fail to see her point of view.. Like i must be right..
If she tried to talk about some of her stuff i would listen and then after a little i would somehow manage to start talking about my stuff aswell and she would sit there with problems she didn even finish half about but still listen to mine.. She have way bigger problems than my health anxiety but the fear of having illnesses or mental didorders left me with seeking reasurence 24/7.. The thing is i wanne be there for her and i do care for her but i have been so obsessed with health anxiety that ive been a complete jerk..
I feel as if i dont deserve her and that im a even more jerk for staying with her..
The thing is i love her and i will do anything to NOT lose her.. But i feel as a even bigger jerl for staying around cause i have caused her alot of emotional pain... I have done things to improve us a little (less fights, more fun and connection between us) By forcing myself to talk less about my own stuff and really focus on hers... But theres just still some jerk in me.. I have all these worries, all these thoughts and i can only focus on one problem at a time.. I know which problems are more importent than others but my mind dont care.. if there is a problem even the smallest my mind will just trip out on all the thoughts and seitch between them all the time..
Back to the topic..as said im doing stuff to make it better between me and her and show that i care alot for her.. i can do good in a few days and then i fall back in this stupid habbit again.. I dont know if its reallt because anxiety can make you self absorbed and selfish or if its just an excuse and im a nacissist or something..  its getting better between us but its not enough.. We have 'good' days everyday but also everyday there must be that one little argument/fight .. and im just putting even more weight on her.. to the point where she actually dont want to talk to me about her problems cause shes afraid i wont listen and just talk over it with my own problems.. this hurts me cause i really am here for her.. Its to the point she have found comfort and such in another guy..... which gave me a little boost to move on and get better so me and her could get better.. But knowing te one you love, loves you but likes someone else is really hard.. I keep getting thoughts about him and her and along with all other thoughts racing through my head i dont know what to do anymore... Honestly i dont know where i even am in my post anymore.. Im saying what crosses my mind as im typing this.. I have ADHD and that can cause ALOT of this and all and so can my abxiety.. but is that the reason...?


Note: Im starting on my ADHD meds finally after 19 years im starting soon and i hope theyll change my life and behavior.. I feel bad for hurting and putting her through this and i just dont know what to do anymore.. everything i do end up being a bad thing.. r it end up hurting her, even when i try to do a good thing it ends bad..

Sorry its this long.. I hope someone will read it and give me an magical answer :'( Thanks for reading :)

ps.. I dont feel alot of emotions lately after my fears of being sociopathic started i kinda bottleup emotions before i even feel them... i feel love for her and bad for her.. feels some anger and else just.. not alot
and i noticed how much i defend myself in this post.. exactly what ive been doing for months towards her...:(
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Online Cuchculan

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Re: Im being a jerk.. Dont know what to do..
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2014, 04:53:05 PM »
I could gloss you a nice answer to make you feel better about yourself. But I am not like that. ADHD? Not an issue in this problem at all. It seems when things come up it is a case of ' My issues and problems are worse than yours '. So you are making her feel less important and small. Bit like saying forget about your stuff. Lets just talk about my stuff. That is not how relationships work. You need an equal balance in there or it will never work out. She has to be seen and heard as well. Easy for us to blame or conditions for bad relationships. But that is not always the case. There are times we have to admit that it is just us. Not our condition. Just the way we are. You wanted more attention so you would hijack every little thing when it came up. Made it all about you. Which is wrong. Now she is off looking for comfort with another bloke. One who probably makes it all about her. Tells her what she wants to hear. At times we have to do this. To let them know how much we care about them. Not saying it is all about her every time. But every so often just those few moments and the right words and the attention would make her feel loved and needed. You know where the changes have to be made. Thing is can you do it? You love this girl. Try not to let her slip away from you. You will regret it.
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Offline Capris

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Re: Im being a jerk.. Dont know what to do..
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2014, 01:55:51 PM »
The truth is in between.
Hello guys, in this case i am the girlfriend. My bf could have written this post Nichlas224, down to every sentence, besides the fact that we are still together. I have been through anxiety (+OCD) and over it, so i do understand what he is going through. I am 99% sure that this extreme behavior is from his anxiety. Now im not saying  Cuchculan is wrong, as i stated up front, it;s somewhere in between.

What i have observed from both me and my boyfriend considering anxiety, is we both lack of self confidence, yet, we do not think of ourselves less, i am sure this makes some sense to alot of you.Its like we lack self confidence but have self respect. Truth is, i think the extreme form of self confidence is coming out in a form of self absorbed, because you really really really need it. So although you do want to give everything to your gf, you have the need to feel good about yourself too much so you cant give the attention you want to her. Getting the confirmation of you being worthy by talking about your problems, helps you get over your anxiety by boosting your ego and the circle goes on and on.

In other words. I think that without the anxiety you will respect and offer your gf what you want to and have the self confidence not to when you do not want to.  This does not make you a jerk. I do not think that your extreme behavior is part of your personality, because if it was, you would be ok with it and not worrying about it. Having traits of a healthy ego, does not make you a jerk. Note, i am not talking about your extreme behavior while have to deal with anxiety.

I really hope i made sense. I am trying my best!
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Offline Nichlas224

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Re: Im being a jerk.. Dont know what to do..
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2014, 07:18:10 AM »
Both you commwnt made sense to me! :)

I dont know if its entirely my anxiety cause i have been a jerk quite a few periods of my life.
I do have really low self esteem and have been hiding it about all my life behind this facade that im cool and scared of nothing.

The problem is, although you both are right, im scared that i dont care as much as i should.. ive been dmotional numb exept some anger and i start to second guess even my feelings for others. That and the fact ive been a huge jerk gets me thinking if i care as much as i should..i know i do but i got a feeling i dont..

Thank you both for your replies
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