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Author Topic: Told a girl I have GAD.. Now feeling exposed and insecure.  (Read 142 times)

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Offline CrystalShips

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Told a girl I have GAD.. Now feeling exposed and insecure.
« on: June 25, 2014, 01:10:54 AM »
Hi all, I am a 24 year old male and I spent the last 2 years with quite severe untreated GAD. During this time I had a lot of trouble with my university studies (adding a lot of extra time on to my degree) but I just about managed to make it through with decent grades.

I went on an SSRI in February and since then things have been much better. The crippling anxiety is gone and I am a lot more functional and confident in most areas.

The thing causing me major concern at the moment is a girl who I have been seeing over the last month. This girl and I have history - she used to like me a lot, we lost our virginity together ten years ago and I saw her intermittently over the years after that. Although we never dated we remained close and continued to be attracted to one another. Then when I got hit hard with GAD/depression 2 years ago I didn't feel able to see her, bailed on plans we had and completely lost contact with her.

Then last month she got in touch with my family and ended up meeting up with me. We've seen each other regularly since and it seemed to be going really well. She was flirtatious and obviously interested in me.. She invited me to go on a city break with her abroad at the end of July and I had been thinking that we would spend the period before getting to know each other again before I made my move when we were abroad.

However, it seemed like things were getting a bit intense. She came round on Saturday to go rollerblading (which was embarrassing for me having not skated in years but she found it hilarious) and after skating we went to lie in the sun and I finally asked her what had been going on with her love life.

She told me about two guys she had been into, one was long gone but the other was still around. I asked her if she was seeing anyone now and she said no, telling me that this other guy made her feel good and was a great friend of hers but that she wanted to be more than just a ***** buddy and he didn't. She said she was going to break it off with him as she couldn't be just friends with him, it always ended up being more and she asked me what I thought she should do.

At this point my heart was beating intensely. I was afraid she might be seeing someone and this was confirmation. My response was initially that I didn't want to be put in the position of giving advice (like a gay best friend) but I then elaborated to say that I was biased and had a conflict of interest but thought she should stop talking to him.

Then matters turned to my love life as she asked what had been going down with me. I had been dropping hints about GAD and discussing mental health matters with her over the past month, mainly with reference to the problems our parents have had. Now seemed like the time to be completely honest about my recent past and I told her the truth. That I had been mentally unwell, that this is why I hadn't seen her and that this was also why I hadn't been dating.

I elaborated to explain how the last girl I really liked ended up being a toxic match for me, how it was an inappropriate infatuation on my part and how I didn't like that it felt so intense. I told her how despite normally being quite detached, with this girl I couldn't control it and she was my absolute priority before friends, family and school. I also explained how this girl ended up sleeping with my best friend and how that hit me hard and left me feeling betrayed.

Anyway this was one of the hardest things I've ever done. GAD is the thing that kept me isolated - the sense of shame, the fear of exposing my disturbed self, the fear that people who once liked and respected me would see me as weak and pitiful. I wish I could say that getting it out there brought me relief but actually it has caused my anxiety to spike.

I found myself in the days after relentlessly checking my phone for some kind of feedback and replaying her response to my revelations in my head.

At the time she said "it doesn't change anything" and that she felt privileged that I had told her but since then I get the feeling she has been pulling away.

She isn't initiating contact through texting and has been much slower and a bit more lacklustre in her responses than before. On Sunday I couldn't help but apologise for 'dropping a bomb' and perhaps making her feel a bit awkward but I insisted that despite it being hard to get it out there, I was glad that I had told her and really rated her for being so cool about it. Her response was a simple 'It's fine :) im glad you can speak to me.'

Aside from some intermittent chit-chat I wrote to her again on Monday asking if she was free this week to go bowling or something. She said 'nope i don't think so :('. I know she is busy with work and has an important interview next Wednesday that she wants to prepare for but my mind cannot help but connect her knowing about GAD with her no longer being interested.

Please help me. I don't know how to proceed. Since Monday I haven't contacted her, figuring that I should give her space to think about what she wants and to focus on work etc. The unfortunate thing is that she is pretty busy from now until our trip away so I don't know if I will even see her again before we go.

Thanks a lot for any feedback :)

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Online Cuchculan

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Re: Told a girl I have GAD.. Now feeling exposed and insecure.
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2014, 05:44:19 AM »
Interesting situation. I think you did the right thing. That way you will know sooner, rather than later, exactly where you stand with this girl. You were honest with her. Now be honest with her again. You are wondering what exactly she is thinking after you told her of your condition. Let her know that. You can say the condition makes you think situations through if you really want. And right now you are thinking about her and how she really took the news you told her. You can always BS a bit. That you told a person in the past and they said it wouldn't change a thing, but it did. That is why you are worried that she might be thinking different now after hearing the news. Make it in such a way that you will get an answer one way or the other. Is easy to say that it won't change a thing. But we have to find out if she meant it. But not in a way that may come across as cold and mean. Hence I say to create a story of you having told someone before and it all went badly. Get her reaction to this story you make up. Just one way of doing things. The other is you can wait for the holiday and just play it by ear. Which means you will be always guessing and worrying.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline worldbeat99

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Re: Told a girl I have GAD.. Now feeling exposed and insecure.
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2014, 12:48:45 AM »
Crystal, sounds like you handled things well.  But if she cant' handle your truth, then maybe she's not the right person for you.
Or maybe you can help her understand your condition better.  It seems like she's not wanting to deal with the topic.
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Offline CrystalShips

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Re: Told a girl I have GAD.. Now feeling exposed and insecure.
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2014, 06:28:48 PM »
Hey, cheers for taking the time to read & respond. I haven't been back with an update as the situation still seemed fluid and I guess I was caught up in the intense feeling that I have/had about this girl.

So I felt terrible after telling her about GAD but couldn't tell if I was imagining it being a big deal or things being different. After waiting it out and doing my utmost not to seek reassurance from her it seemed like things were back to normal. She was spending time with me and it seemed like things were going well, although not really moving forward romantically.

Then she came round with her little sister last night after they went to a festival. We chilled out, had some drinks and listened to some tunes and it was all good. I thought that maybe she wanted me to meet her little sister to make sure her sis approved and that I got along with her family. Anyway it went well and we were whatsapping this morning and intermittently today..

BUT this evening I saw her new profile pic on ***** was of her and this guy that she has been hooking up with for a couple of years with but who told her he didn't want a relationship (from the original post: 'She told me ... this other guy made her feel good and was a great friend of hers but that she wanted to be more than just a ***** buddy and he didn't. She said she was going to break it off with him as she couldn't be just friends with him, it always ended up being more and she asked me what I thought she should do.')

So I asked her about the pic, whether this was the guy she mentioned and had hopes of dating. She told me it was the guy and basically after she comes back from this festival in Croatia she hoped it would go somewhere with him and that she wanted to see where it went. I asked her if she knew I liked her a lot & she said I hadn't made it clear. I told her she gave mixed signals and she conceded that she did. Anyway this settles the matter at least.

Despite the seemingly bleak outcome I'm not feeling too bad. I don't need to waste more time on this girl and I feel more determined to find the person who is right for me. This was the first to come along since I really started struggling with GAD and she literally showed up at my doorstep so I know my chances are good.

Still, part of me thinks that London is not the best place for those with GAD to date. I have actually found American girls to be much more on a wavelength with me (maybe they are a little bit crazier?) so perhaps I should hop over the pond and search there. IDK.
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