I finally decided to make an account here. I've found this website a few weeks ago and have been coming here when anxious and overwhelmed. The last few days I've been going through another episode (I'm constantly anxious but these days it's even more overwhelming), and although even posting here makes me nervous and embarrassed, I decided I'll do it in case it will help me a bit. English is my second language, so I'm sorry if I don't explain things well.
There are many things going wrong with me. I feel like a coward, stuck and powerless. I know I am the cause for this situation but I don't feel that I can break through it.
I'm 23, graduated Uni almost a year ago. I have been applying for work but with zero luck and for a long time have taken a break from applying as I wouldn't even get a single call from an employer, despite me thinking my resume is good (I've taken resume workshops and constantly modify my resume) and applying to very many jobs, including retail. Not a single call, which I still don't understand. I've recently applied (in person and online) to many retail stores and still not a single call. I do need a job very badly, as I live in a poor household with only my mother who can't find work as well (she can only work without standing up for too long, as she has severe back pains due to disc hernia) and works as a volunteer while my sister is in Uni now, struggling financially as well. We do get a sum of money from the government but it barely covers the rent, and we live in a bachelor. We can't even get groceries sometimes. Anyway, I very badly need a job and nobody is ever calling me. I have stopped applying again in the last week as I am discouraged and don't know what to do. This financial situation has been going on more or less my entire life, but there have been periods when we were a little better off than now. I don't think we've been this bad since 2006 when we were still in our home country. This situation has also kept me from attending many social events, as I can't afford them. I have nice friends and am a friendly person, my friends are very sweet (not many friends but enough friends) but I meet them very rarely as they are far from me. To be honest, I have been out with friends maybe 10 times max in the last 6 months. A lot of the times I stay inside, or go for a walk, bike, or roller blade, but mostly just stay inside. I am nervous to get out even for a walk alone, or if I meet a neighbor in the elevator, or anywhere. I always try to avoid eye contact, unless I'm having a good day which are usually good days because I make myself believe everything's okay and distract myself with tv shows or youtube or uplifting news. I know, useless things. I've always been very nervous and a little awkward (although not as bad in the past years, I've been getting good at pretending I'm normal). People know I am a little nervous, but don't really know anything about my situation at home and how bad it is. I'm embarrassed by it. My best friend knows most of it, but I still downgrade it to her. The cherry on top, by the way, is that I've graduated in business admin, so I've gone through a lot of painful presentations and projects and survived them. I know I've chosen the wrong program, and to be honest my mom wanted me to do it and I had no spine to choose something else back when I finished highschool.
Anyway, another issue I have is my mom. My mom is a very strict and closed minded person. She is sort of the equivalent of a communist, in my opinion. She used to beat us up every day up until highschool. Granted, I wasn't a very obeying child, but my mischief was really innocent, now as I look back. When I say beat up I don't just mean slapping or hair pulling, I mean kicking and pushing and throwing chairs at me, sometimes in front of relatives or friends. She even came to school and beat me up in front of my classmates a few times in my home country. She is still violent sometimes, but much more rare now for the past 2 years. Now she only abuses verbally, but it gets to me still. I try to put my earphones in when she starts yelling though and have actually built a little fort (I know, pathetic) in our little bachelor so I can somehow separate myself from her. I feel ridiculous and stupid for not having the courage to be more outspoken and get a good job, instead I apply to lower quality jobs and even there I get no response. All these things should motivate me to toughen up and conquer the world, so that I can get out and be on my own, but instead I'm cowardly taking the easy way and just sit at home, apply to jobs, then do useless things, telling myself maybe they will call I just have to wait more, instead of going for it out in the real world. I went to a job counselor in march and she actually did connect me to a banking job but I was so terrified, as I didn't feel I could do it, that I pleaded her that I'm not ready for that kind of job, and she kind of gave up on me. I am so afraid of everything. I get bursts of energy sometimes and I feel positive but they only involve little things like getting the courage to apply to somewhere in person, nut going out and appearing confident to good jobs. Sorry this is so long and silly:(
I have no confidence in me. I know I'm a good person and that if someone would give me a chance at a job that didn't involve being confident (like bank teller). I don't think I'm nice to look at too, my mom calls me so many names regarding my appearance. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think I'm cute and pretty but should be confident. I have a good mind (maybe) and should use it and not be a coward, but the positive words I tell myself don't stay in for long. Mom's words of "you're cow poop" (i know, ridiculous), get priority. I am very anxious and I just want to cry all day long and stay in my fort and listen to depressing music. I don't know how to get out of this feeling and situation. I get so panicked, I'm usually up until the sun gets out in the morning and just freak out. My sister is the only one who kind of understands, as she too is going through anxiety and depression often. We usually only get along when she's on campus and I'm home, not when we're both home for a long time, as we often fight (all 3 of us), maybe because we're so stressed financially and in the same room all the time and we each have different opinions, but when she's away we get along through text.
There are other things that I don't want to share as I've already whined a lot. I appreciate if anybody actually read this whole thing. I know it's stupid and I would never say this if it wasn't anonymous. I'm scared and stuck. I need someone to slap me into reality.
Anyway, that is who I am right now. Thanks for letting me join here.