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Author Topic: how did I get here?  (Read 119 times)

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Offline mrsdmilkman

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how did I get here?
« on: June 21, 2014, 11:57:48 PM »
Tonight as I was about to look through all the new posts. That question entered my mind. Hoe did I get here? How did I get HA? 5 years ago I had anxiety. Ive always had it, even as a child. But I didnt have HA. So what caused it? I know its the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with.
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Offline noella6

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Re: how did I get here?
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2014, 10:06:31 PM »
I've driven myself insane trying to work this one out.

Some ideas of mine, but not sure if they're correct:
I don't feel 'safe' in my body. It feels constantly threatened, by itself, not the outside world, just itself.
I used to have an eating disorder, and this has a similar internal dialogue - perfectionist tendencies and a loathing of uncertainty.
Had an illness at age 8 that made me see my body as vulnerable and I hated it. (got well very quick so no lasting damage).
Have experienced a trauma in childhood.

I think HA can lie dormant for years. I had it in my early twenties, lasted a few years then only resurfaced in my late thirties.

The trigger?
I believe I am 'living wrong'.
Can't explain it any better than that.
There is too much 'space' in my mind that allows me to ruminate on diseases, to feel every tiny sensation. This space needs to be filled with something else, another mental occupation that does NOT involve negativity or obsession.
At the time my HA returned, I was in a dying relationship, hated my home, felt lonely, was unemployed and felt ugly.
Many of those issues are now fixed, but the HA will not budge!
It's like mental glue.

Lots of triggers. No cure  :(
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"Giants exist to deceive, they retreat if they're clearly perceived"

Offline rileybug

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Re: how did I get here?
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2014, 10:24:27 PM »
I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS-BUT I GOT MINE AT AGE 63-due to a gall bladder surgery-which i was terrified of.  Now i worry about my health 24/7 and it never gets better.  I go to counslind but i don't think it doing much except taking my money.  I worry about death and cancer alot-even having all the tests negative.    I always thought i'd be the last person  to have this worry-Surprise Surprise.  I think i have a great fear of death and missing out on being there for my kids.  My mom is still alive at 101.
.




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Offline noella6

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Re: how did I get here?
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2014, 10:31:23 PM »
Well Riley you have good genetics already so make the most of that!
Why not?
And you are already 'here' for your kids, right? This is the time that matters - not some arbitrary 'later' when we might have ceased to exist.

(now i go to try and take my own advice) :happy0151:
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"Giants exist to deceive, they retreat if they're clearly perceived"

Offline rileybug

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Re: how did I get here?
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2014, 10:42:40 PM »
I know part of it is my age-its the age of trouble in my mind.  I have lost a cousin to caner(age 53)) and a few friends recently.  Sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.  I even went to mayo and had a zillion tests done-all negitive.  My daughter is a doc and i'm still worried.  I need to find a way to move on.
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